Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]An old carpenter built a wooden puppet which then came to life and molested him. It was a case of geppetophilia.
If you drink every day, you’re clearly an alcoholic. To avoid this, I’ve chosen to drink only at night.
Motorist: “I’m terribly sorry to have to tell you, ma’am, but I just ran over your dog. If you’ll allow me to, I’d like to replace him.”
Pet owner: “Well, we can try it. Let’s get a ball and we’ll see how good you are at ‘fetch’”.
Water with ice: the drink that refills itself!
What’s the capital of Zimbabwe?
“Z”.
Relations with my boss tend to be psychological: he’s a psycho, I’m logical.
Shopper: “These frozen turkeys don’t hold nearly enough meat for Thanksgiving dinner! Can’t you get them any bigger?”
Clerk: “I’m afraid not, ma’am. They’re dead.”
My cousin in the USMC always follows orders, no matter how humiliating. He ought to be in the Navy... he’s clearly a sub Marine.
Two idiots, a pee-wee and a giant, are sitting on a wall. Which one falls off first?
The giant. The pee-wee is a little more on.
I made a big mistake telling my despondent friend that “time heals all wounds”. He was later found dead at the base of a clock tower.
Flossing used to be a huge pain in the ass. Then someone showed me how to do it right.
Why did Johann Sebastian Bach’s recital fail?
It suffered organ failure.
Kevin Spacey is bit like the tortoise in the fable: he’s eager to get to his goal before the hair does.
A foreign spy sneaks into the White House, seeking American intelligence. Needless to say, he leaves empty handed.
I hear that Federal Express and UPS plan to merge. Does that mean all their delivery drivers will be Fed-UPS?
Geneticists tend to be foot fetishists. That’s what comes of fooling with double heel licks.
What’s the tallest building in town?
The public library. It has over 5,000 stories.
Same sex marriage is driving single women to despair. Now all the good men are married and gay.
I hate when it rains cats and dogs; it stops me from keeping important appointments. I’d pay someone to drive me, except that I also hate hailing taxi cabs.
One of my baby sheep just spontaneously exploded! I’ll have to check more carefully for extreme is-lamb.
At last! EA has gotten rid of micro-transactions! It’s replacing them with macro-transactions.
American: “In my country, we have guaranteed freedom of speech. We can even stand outside the White House and shout ‘President Trump is an idiot!’ without any fear.”
Russian: “Don’t act so superior! In my country, it is the same. We too can stand outside the Kremlin and shout: ‘President Trump is an idiot!’”[/FONT]
* * *
If you drink every day, you’re clearly an alcoholic. To avoid this, I’ve chosen to drink only at night.
* * *
Motorist: “I’m terribly sorry to have to tell you, ma’am, but I just ran over your dog. If you’ll allow me to, I’d like to replace him.”
Pet owner: “Well, we can try it. Let’s get a ball and we’ll see how good you are at ‘fetch’”.
* * *
Water with ice: the drink that refills itself!
* * *
What’s the capital of Zimbabwe?
“Z”.
* * *
Relations with my boss tend to be psychological: he’s a psycho, I’m logical.
* * *
Shopper: “These frozen turkeys don’t hold nearly enough meat for Thanksgiving dinner! Can’t you get them any bigger?”
Clerk: “I’m afraid not, ma’am. They’re dead.”
* * *
My cousin in the USMC always follows orders, no matter how humiliating. He ought to be in the Navy... he’s clearly a sub Marine.
* * *
Two idiots, a pee-wee and a giant, are sitting on a wall. Which one falls off first?
The giant. The pee-wee is a little more on.
* * *
I made a big mistake telling my despondent friend that “time heals all wounds”. He was later found dead at the base of a clock tower.
* * *
Flossing used to be a huge pain in the ass. Then someone showed me how to do it right.
* * *
Why did Johann Sebastian Bach’s recital fail?
It suffered organ failure.
* * *
Kevin Spacey is bit like the tortoise in the fable: he’s eager to get to his goal before the hair does.
* * *
A foreign spy sneaks into the White House, seeking American intelligence. Needless to say, he leaves empty handed.
* * *
I hear that Federal Express and UPS plan to merge. Does that mean all their delivery drivers will be Fed-UPS?
* * *
Geneticists tend to be foot fetishists. That’s what comes of fooling with double heel licks.
* * *
What’s the tallest building in town?
The public library. It has over 5,000 stories.
* * *
Same sex marriage is driving single women to despair. Now all the good men are married and gay.
* * *
I hate when it rains cats and dogs; it stops me from keeping important appointments. I’d pay someone to drive me, except that I also hate hailing taxi cabs.
* * *
One of my baby sheep just spontaneously exploded! I’ll have to check more carefully for extreme is-lamb.
* * *
At last! EA has gotten rid of micro-transactions! It’s replacing them with macro-transactions.
* * *
American: “In my country, we have guaranteed freedom of speech. We can even stand outside the White House and shout ‘President Trump is an idiot!’ without any fear.”
Russian: “Don’t act so superior! In my country, it is the same. We too can stand outside the Kremlin and shout: ‘President Trump is an idiot!’”[/FONT]
