Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,993
- Points
- 48
I'm almost positive my neighbor stole my backyard gate. I'd sound him out, but I don't want him to take a fence.
Blonde: "Is this the doctor's office? I need to make an appointment to see him."
Phone receptionist: "Okay... how about 10 tomorrow?"
Blonde: "No thanks. I only really need one and I'd like it right now."
When I was on Amazon last month, I accidently ordered a Fleshlight instead of a flashlight. The consequences were obvious... next time the power went out, I was screwed!
Once the witch had Hansel and Gretel ready for cooking, she gathered her followers around the kitchen table to await their meal. You might say she set the coven at 360 degrees.
Gramma says I inherited my Grandpa's soft brown eyes. Dammit, I was hoping for lots of cash!
Q: What did Polyphemus tell the rest of the cyclops when he was blinded by a yeti?
A: "Snowman has hurt me!"
Our local petting zoo recently acquired a baby deer. It was so young and helpless, they had to lock it in a cage after hours; unfortunately, a careless employee left the barred door open and it escaped into the night. This has the director irate... there's nothing more frustrating than trying to locate a lost cell faun.
Exercise is important for more than just physical fitness... it's also vital for good decision making. Like, you can spend the whole of the morning running a marathon and wisely decide in the afternoon never to do that again.
During my trip to Kabul, I was questioned by an Afghani policewoman. At first, I was none too sure she was really with the department... it's not easy to spot an undercover cop.
If you want a soothing place to relax, try the bowling alley. It's so quiet there, you can hear a pin drop!
Some parents complain that there's not enough math being taught in school; I'd argue that there's an excessive amount already. We have far too much division in our country!
I just bought a horse for my daughter. My brother found out about it and asked if we had plans to race him. Silly notion; a horse is going to be a lot faster than any one of us.
Statistics tell us that one man in ten is gay. I don't think you have to go that far; one man in one is also indisputably gay.
Porn star John Holmes was on trial for murder. Turned out the jury was hung. Consequently, he got off.
Q: You're in a Scottish hospital waiting-room with two other people; the first is slightly ill, the other has come to collect some test results and is perfectly okay. Which one of the two is on vacation?
A: The one with a wee cough.
My friends all tell me I look a lot like Abraham Lincoln. Some compliment! He's been dead for over a hundred and fifty years!
Blonde: "See that cafe? I'm never going in there again! They serve cannibal food!"
Brunette: "Cannibal food? That's crazy! No place could get away with cooking human beings for lunch!"
Blonde: "Well this one does! Just this afternoon, the server asked me if I'd like to eat Al Fresco!"
You've seen on TV where a bunch of folks look skyward, then start yelling, "It's a bird!"... "It's a plane!"... "It's Superman!" Ever wonder what the first guy was so excited about?
Sewer worker: "Hey, it's a goldfish! What ya doin' down here, little fella?"
Goldfish: "I really don't know. There I was, living happily in my castle; free food, no worries. Next thing I know, I'm whirling around in a huge torrent and suddenly everything goes black! I haven't felt right since!"
Sewer worker: "Yeah, I can tell. You sure seem flushed."
A survey was conducted recently to pinpoint the favorite travel destination for nymphomaniacs. The winner: Mangalore.
I just called off my wedding and have never felt freer! I'm footloose and fiancée free!
Brunette: "Your apartment's about the same size as mine. How many cans of paint did you get when it was time to freshen the place up?"
Blonde: "Seven."
One week later...
Brunette: "Hey, you said you bought seven cans of paint to redo your apartment! Well, I followed that advice and bought seven. But I ended up using only four of them!"
Blonde: "No kidding? The same thing happened to me!"
* * *
Blonde: "Is this the doctor's office? I need to make an appointment to see him."
Phone receptionist: "Okay... how about 10 tomorrow?"
Blonde: "No thanks. I only really need one and I'd like it right now."
* * *
When I was on Amazon last month, I accidently ordered a Fleshlight instead of a flashlight. The consequences were obvious... next time the power went out, I was screwed!
* * *
Once the witch had Hansel and Gretel ready for cooking, she gathered her followers around the kitchen table to await their meal. You might say she set the coven at 360 degrees.
* * *
Gramma says I inherited my Grandpa's soft brown eyes. Dammit, I was hoping for lots of cash!
* * *
Q: What did Polyphemus tell the rest of the cyclops when he was blinded by a yeti?
A: "Snowman has hurt me!"
* * *
Our local petting zoo recently acquired a baby deer. It was so young and helpless, they had to lock it in a cage after hours; unfortunately, a careless employee left the barred door open and it escaped into the night. This has the director irate... there's nothing more frustrating than trying to locate a lost cell faun.
* * *
Exercise is important for more than just physical fitness... it's also vital for good decision making. Like, you can spend the whole of the morning running a marathon and wisely decide in the afternoon never to do that again.
* * *
During my trip to Kabul, I was questioned by an Afghani policewoman. At first, I was none too sure she was really with the department... it's not easy to spot an undercover cop.
* * *
If you want a soothing place to relax, try the bowling alley. It's so quiet there, you can hear a pin drop!
* * *
Some parents complain that there's not enough math being taught in school; I'd argue that there's an excessive amount already. We have far too much division in our country!
* * *
I just bought a horse for my daughter. My brother found out about it and asked if we had plans to race him. Silly notion; a horse is going to be a lot faster than any one of us.
* * *
Statistics tell us that one man in ten is gay. I don't think you have to go that far; one man in one is also indisputably gay.
* * *
Porn star John Holmes was on trial for murder. Turned out the jury was hung. Consequently, he got off.
* * *
Q: You're in a Scottish hospital waiting-room with two other people; the first is slightly ill, the other has come to collect some test results and is perfectly okay. Which one of the two is on vacation?
A: The one with a wee cough.
* * *
My friends all tell me I look a lot like Abraham Lincoln. Some compliment! He's been dead for over a hundred and fifty years!
* * *
Blonde: "See that cafe? I'm never going in there again! They serve cannibal food!"
Brunette: "Cannibal food? That's crazy! No place could get away with cooking human beings for lunch!"
Blonde: "Well this one does! Just this afternoon, the server asked me if I'd like to eat Al Fresco!"
* * *
You've seen on TV where a bunch of folks look skyward, then start yelling, "It's a bird!"... "It's a plane!"... "It's Superman!" Ever wonder what the first guy was so excited about?
* * *
Sewer worker: "Hey, it's a goldfish! What ya doin' down here, little fella?"
Goldfish: "I really don't know. There I was, living happily in my castle; free food, no worries. Next thing I know, I'm whirling around in a huge torrent and suddenly everything goes black! I haven't felt right since!"
Sewer worker: "Yeah, I can tell. You sure seem flushed."
* * *
A survey was conducted recently to pinpoint the favorite travel destination for nymphomaniacs. The winner: Mangalore.
* * *
I just called off my wedding and have never felt freer! I'm footloose and fiancée free!
* * *
Brunette: "Your apartment's about the same size as mine. How many cans of paint did you get when it was time to freshen the place up?"
Blonde: "Seven."
One week later...
Brunette: "Hey, you said you bought seven cans of paint to redo your apartment! Well, I followed that advice and bought seven. But I ended up using only four of them!"
Blonde: "No kidding? The same thing happened to me!"
