Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I always put on too much weight this time of year. The Thanksgiving dinner is partly to blame, but the main thing that trips me up is the Thanksgiving leftovers. All that rich food, day after day... is it any wonder I get fat? Well, not this year! I'm making a vow not to touch any of those yummy extras! You hear me? This year I'm quitting cold turkey!
Q: Females are XX... males are XY... drunks are XXX. So who's identified with YYY?
A: Delilah.
At noon today, my son went to the MacDonald's next to this school and ate a kids' meal. I really need to find a way to punish him for stealing his classmate's lunch.
He: "I'm leaving you! I want someone more like Beyonce!"
She: "Fine with me, jackass! Go right ahead, whatever floats your boat!"
He: "Hey, I said Beyonce, not buoyancy!"
I wanted to bring liquid nitrogen into my chemistry class to show the kids some interesting freezing experiments, but was denied on grounds of safety. The demonstration was just too cool for school.
Wolfman: "Hey barkeep, I'll have a Blue Moon cocktail! Bring some currant juice for my pal Frankie, and for Dracula... whadda you say, Drac, a Bloody Mary?"
Dracula: "No, no... I'm trying to slim down. Better make it a Blood Light."
Almost everyone clapped and cheered when my son was rescued from that well. Me, I'm withholding my applause until I see whether or not he was able to snag my cell phone.
Q: In which US states will you most rapidly lose your virginity?
A: Colorado, Montana, New Mexico, Utah and Wyoming. They're all dedicated to mountin' time.
I've noticed something odd... women I have sex with tend not to blink during foreplay. I guess they don't want to miss it.
Prince Charming vs Snow White in divorce court:
Judge: "So Mr. Charming, you wish to separate from your wife because she's content? That's usually the basis for a stable marriage."
Prince Charming: "No, your honor, I'm seeking a divorce on the grounds of infidelity. She never once said she was content... what she said was that she was feeling Happy!"
I was in need of transportation, so I bought myself a Toyota 4Runner. From what I hear, it's a revolutionary vehicle.
Inflation in this country is getting completely out of hand! How bad, you ask? Well, the Dollar Tree on the corner just changed its name to Tree Fiddy!
If you don't believe anything good comes from coercion, just remember: oranges don't choose to become juice... they're pressed into it.
My brother wanted to successfully swim the Bolton Strid in Yorkshire to prove it could be done, but the current proved to be far too murderous. On the plus side, he's now listed as an ex-stream athlete.
It's unclear just which nation Santa came from originally, but recent claims from Moscow make a convincing case: in order for him to visit every house in the world in just one night, he'd really have to be Russian.
If there's casual sex, there must also be formal sex. That would be black tie only.
For most of the theatre world, COVID has been a hardship. It has, however, been an absolute godsend for one stage profession: ventriloquists.
"My name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic."
"Sir, this is Triple-A, not Alcoholics Anonymous."
"I know that. I'm trying to explain why my car's in the lake."
A husband consults Madame Esmerelda, a fortune teller who gives him this advice: "Beware of the man making love to your wife! He is going to kill you!"
The man is so distraught at the news that his wife is cheating on him, he commits suicide.
High pitched shrieks can shatter most glass to pieces. Such hysteria... if only it was better tempered.
Q: If a lemon and a lime ever had offspring, what color would their rind be?
A: No one knows. Lemons and limes are close cousins... any carnal relation between them would be inzest.
A duck waddles into the office of his state representative.
"I want to legalize quack," he pleads, "but I don't have hands and can't write anything down. Will it be possible to make my petition by word of mouth?"
"Sure!" the politico responds jovially. "All new legislation is submitted through bills!"
* * *
Q: Females are XX... males are XY... drunks are XXX. So who's identified with YYY?
A: Delilah.
* * *
At noon today, my son went to the MacDonald's next to this school and ate a kids' meal. I really need to find a way to punish him for stealing his classmate's lunch.
* * *
He: "I'm leaving you! I want someone more like Beyonce!"
She: "Fine with me, jackass! Go right ahead, whatever floats your boat!"
He: "Hey, I said Beyonce, not buoyancy!"
* * *
I wanted to bring liquid nitrogen into my chemistry class to show the kids some interesting freezing experiments, but was denied on grounds of safety. The demonstration was just too cool for school.
* * *
Wolfman: "Hey barkeep, I'll have a Blue Moon cocktail! Bring some currant juice for my pal Frankie, and for Dracula... whadda you say, Drac, a Bloody Mary?"
Dracula: "No, no... I'm trying to slim down. Better make it a Blood Light."
* * *
Almost everyone clapped and cheered when my son was rescued from that well. Me, I'm withholding my applause until I see whether or not he was able to snag my cell phone.
* * *
Q: In which US states will you most rapidly lose your virginity?
A: Colorado, Montana, New Mexico, Utah and Wyoming. They're all dedicated to mountin' time.
* * *
I've noticed something odd... women I have sex with tend not to blink during foreplay. I guess they don't want to miss it.
* * *
Prince Charming vs Snow White in divorce court:
Judge: "So Mr. Charming, you wish to separate from your wife because she's content? That's usually the basis for a stable marriage."
Prince Charming: "No, your honor, I'm seeking a divorce on the grounds of infidelity. She never once said she was content... what she said was that she was feeling Happy!"
* * *
I was in need of transportation, so I bought myself a Toyota 4Runner. From what I hear, it's a revolutionary vehicle.
* * *
Inflation in this country is getting completely out of hand! How bad, you ask? Well, the Dollar Tree on the corner just changed its name to Tree Fiddy!
* * *
If you don't believe anything good comes from coercion, just remember: oranges don't choose to become juice... they're pressed into it.
* * *
My brother wanted to successfully swim the Bolton Strid in Yorkshire to prove it could be done, but the current proved to be far too murderous. On the plus side, he's now listed as an ex-stream athlete.
* * *
It's unclear just which nation Santa came from originally, but recent claims from Moscow make a convincing case: in order for him to visit every house in the world in just one night, he'd really have to be Russian.
* * *
If there's casual sex, there must also be formal sex. That would be black tie only.
* * *
For most of the theatre world, COVID has been a hardship. It has, however, been an absolute godsend for one stage profession: ventriloquists.
* * *
"My name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic."
"Sir, this is Triple-A, not Alcoholics Anonymous."
"I know that. I'm trying to explain why my car's in the lake."
* * *
A husband consults Madame Esmerelda, a fortune teller who gives him this advice: "Beware of the man making love to your wife! He is going to kill you!"
The man is so distraught at the news that his wife is cheating on him, he commits suicide.
* * *
High pitched shrieks can shatter most glass to pieces. Such hysteria... if only it was better tempered.
* * *
Q: If a lemon and a lime ever had offspring, what color would their rind be?
A: No one knows. Lemons and limes are close cousins... any carnal relation between them would be inzest.
* * *
A duck waddles into the office of his state representative.
"I want to legalize quack," he pleads, "but I don't have hands and can't write anything down. Will it be possible to make my petition by word of mouth?"
"Sure!" the politico responds jovially. "All new legislation is submitted through bills!"
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