Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,994
- Points
- 48
It's a sad fact that musicians in tribute bands often turn to crime. The ones with successful recording careers are usually the hardest to catch; they're just too good at covering their tracks.
My girlfriend is wall-eyed. Some people find that off-putting, by I love her all the more for it; it's so nice to know she's looking out for me!
Satan: "You know, I do my best down here... try as hard as I can to make this the most terrifying, unpleasant place you could possibly imagine. And yet, the youngsters on planet Earth just don't seem to understand me."
God: "Really? What gives you that impression?"
Satan: "I keeping getting Christmas lists from dyslexic kids."
My family had a fine, fat, farm-bred turkey for Thanksgiving dinner... all of us except my crazy, iconoclastic Uncle Bill. He had Wild Turkey.
Q: What's the difference between a turkey and a turnkey?
A: A turnkey is what Uncle Bill gets right after Thanksgiving.
If I lived to be a million, I'd never cheat on my wife. I'd be way too old.
She: "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were dating?"
He: "Okay, okay... tonight, we'll go out to dinner, then to a romantic movie."
She: "Well that's more like it!"
He: "... after which, I'll take you back to your parents' house."
My neighbor undid my tethered dog's collar and let him run away. In retaliation, I poisoned his fish. My moment of triumph didn't last long... following lunch, I was arrested for murder.
When trying to amuse identical twins, it's wrong not to complete the joke. You cannot tell them a part.
If someone wants to get a rhinoplasty, I say let 'em. It's no skin off my nose.
Most people know that medication can prevent bloating, but have you heard that there's also one to prevent gloating? It comes as a cream; folks just can't wait to rub it in.
My wife must be afraid of nuclear war or a zombie apocalypse: lately, she's loaded our shelves with essential supplies like canned food, bottled water and toilet paper. It's become such a nuisance, I consulted psychiatrist about it; he told me that many today suffer from Stock Home Syndrome.
Brunette: "Do you see any soup on the menu?"
Blonde: "Yeah. There appear to be grease stains, too."
I must be the world's worst shoplifter... I can't get even one corner of a building off the ground!
Everyone has specialized pronouns today. Urologists usually opt for we/we. Gastroenterologists, however, prefer she/it.
I no longer worry about religious types going door-to-door, proselytizing and badgering me... not since I joined the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.
Q: Is it possible to weigh an elephant?
A: Yes. You do it exactly the same way you would a human, just on a much larger scale.
I usually watch a football game during the Thanksgiving meal. That's why my turkey is so dry; ideally, it should be baste-ball.
CHP officer: "Let me see your license, son."
Juvenile driver: "Big bad cop, huh? Do you know who my dad is?"
CHP officer: "Look, kid, if your mom won't tell you, it's not up to me to find out."
Mother turkey to chick: "Such a disobedient child! If your father could see you now, he'd be turning over in his gravy!"
Hear about the ambulance chaser with digestive problems? He had a huge case load, so big it filled his briefs.
For me, Thanksgiving Day is just like every other day. There's nothing unusual about my wife giving me the bird.
* * *
My girlfriend is wall-eyed. Some people find that off-putting, by I love her all the more for it; it's so nice to know she's looking out for me!
* * *
Satan: "You know, I do my best down here... try as hard as I can to make this the most terrifying, unpleasant place you could possibly imagine. And yet, the youngsters on planet Earth just don't seem to understand me."
God: "Really? What gives you that impression?"
Satan: "I keeping getting Christmas lists from dyslexic kids."
* * *
My family had a fine, fat, farm-bred turkey for Thanksgiving dinner... all of us except my crazy, iconoclastic Uncle Bill. He had Wild Turkey.
* * *
Q: What's the difference between a turkey and a turnkey?
A: A turnkey is what Uncle Bill gets right after Thanksgiving.
* * *
If I lived to be a million, I'd never cheat on my wife. I'd be way too old.
* * *
She: "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were dating?"
He: "Okay, okay... tonight, we'll go out to dinner, then to a romantic movie."
She: "Well that's more like it!"
He: "... after which, I'll take you back to your parents' house."
* * *
My neighbor undid my tethered dog's collar and let him run away. In retaliation, I poisoned his fish. My moment of triumph didn't last long... following lunch, I was arrested for murder.
* * *
When trying to amuse identical twins, it's wrong not to complete the joke. You cannot tell them a part.
* * *
If someone wants to get a rhinoplasty, I say let 'em. It's no skin off my nose.
* * *
Most people know that medication can prevent bloating, but have you heard that there's also one to prevent gloating? It comes as a cream; folks just can't wait to rub it in.
* * *
My wife must be afraid of nuclear war or a zombie apocalypse: lately, she's loaded our shelves with essential supplies like canned food, bottled water and toilet paper. It's become such a nuisance, I consulted psychiatrist about it; he told me that many today suffer from Stock Home Syndrome.
* * *
Brunette: "Do you see any soup on the menu?"
Blonde: "Yeah. There appear to be grease stains, too."
* * *
I must be the world's worst shoplifter... I can't get even one corner of a building off the ground!
* * *
Everyone has specialized pronouns today. Urologists usually opt for we/we. Gastroenterologists, however, prefer she/it.
* * *
I no longer worry about religious types going door-to-door, proselytizing and badgering me... not since I joined the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.
* * *
Q: Is it possible to weigh an elephant?
A: Yes. You do it exactly the same way you would a human, just on a much larger scale.
* * *
I usually watch a football game during the Thanksgiving meal. That's why my turkey is so dry; ideally, it should be baste-ball.
* * *
CHP officer: "Let me see your license, son."
Juvenile driver: "Big bad cop, huh? Do you know who my dad is?"
CHP officer: "Look, kid, if your mom won't tell you, it's not up to me to find out."
* * *
Mother turkey to chick: "Such a disobedient child! If your father could see you now, he'd be turning over in his gravy!"
* * *
Hear about the ambulance chaser with digestive problems? He had a huge case load, so big it filled his briefs.
* * *
For me, Thanksgiving Day is just like every other day. There's nothing unusual about my wife giving me the bird.
