Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I ran my camera’s memory card through the dishwasher. I was eager that all my pictures have watermarks.
Believe it or not, the Roman Empire had perfected a way of weaponizing the weather. Makes it so much easier to understand the phrase “Hail Caesar”.
You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tune a fish. Not unless it’s a bass.
The difference between a weasel and a stoat? A weasel is weasilly recognized; a stoat is stoatally different.
Today I saw a huge line of people outside of Toys R Us.
“What’s all this?” I asked.
“It’s getting close to Christmas,” I was told. “This is the Barbie queue.”
And like a fool I spent the next 45 minutes waiting for a burger.
Oxygen is surprisingly destructive. It can kill you even when you aren’t in the same room.
The doctor warned me to give up booze. I’ve chosen to take it on a case by case basis.
Patient: “Doctor, I have a neurotic compulsion to collect volumes of ‘War and Peace’.”
Psychiatrist: “When did this start?”
Patient: “Well sir, it’s a long story...”
The man who first learned to keep track of a whole year’s passage by counting the days on his fingers had too much time on his hands.
A homeowner hears a knock on his door. Opening it, he’s surprised to see a tiny Grim Reaper.
“What do you want, shorty?” the man inquires.
The Reaper looks up and hisses, “I’m here for the hamster.”
I enjoy applause as much as the next guy, but I didn’t appreciate it when my girlfriend gave me the clap.
The on/off button was unhappy in its work. It was constantly depressed.
I used to date an Asian girl, but we had a messy break up. I was badly disoriented.
There’s a reason why grass blades are so thin: they eat light.
A group of tourists visit an old English castle. One nervous lady whispers to the guide, “This place sure is spooky. Hope we don’t run into any ghosts!”
“Not to worry, mum,” the man replies. “I’ve been here 300 years and I haven’t seen one yet.”
If you’re a witch, make sure to use a broom. Never use a vacuum cleaner; you can easily fly off the handle.
My doctor just diagnosed me with severe hemorrhoids. Finally, I’m a badass!
A man is having anal sex with a prostitute, when my wife walks in.
“You can’t do this to me!” she wails.
“I know,” he replies. “Why else do you think she’s here!”
Over the weekend, I met a couple of hipsters. Properly, I guess they’re called “conjoined twins”.
Which timepiece has the fewest moving parts?
A sundial.
Which timepiece has the most moving parts?
An hourglass.
I’ve been told that infinity is not a number, but I think that’s wrong. Looks a lot like number 8 fell down drunk.
“I’m going to a party tonight, Dad.”
“You planning to drink?”
“No, Dad.”
“Do drugs?”
“Nope.”
“Have sex?”
“Of course not!”
“Why are you even bothering?”[/FONT]
* * *
Believe it or not, the Roman Empire had perfected a way of weaponizing the weather. Makes it so much easier to understand the phrase “Hail Caesar”.
* * *
You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tune a fish. Not unless it’s a bass.
* * *
The difference between a weasel and a stoat? A weasel is weasilly recognized; a stoat is stoatally different.
* * *
Today I saw a huge line of people outside of Toys R Us.
“What’s all this?” I asked.
“It’s getting close to Christmas,” I was told. “This is the Barbie queue.”
And like a fool I spent the next 45 minutes waiting for a burger.
* * *
Oxygen is surprisingly destructive. It can kill you even when you aren’t in the same room.
* * *
The doctor warned me to give up booze. I’ve chosen to take it on a case by case basis.
* * *
Patient: “Doctor, I have a neurotic compulsion to collect volumes of ‘War and Peace’.”
Psychiatrist: “When did this start?”
Patient: “Well sir, it’s a long story...”
* * *
The man who first learned to keep track of a whole year’s passage by counting the days on his fingers had too much time on his hands.
* * *
A homeowner hears a knock on his door. Opening it, he’s surprised to see a tiny Grim Reaper.
“What do you want, shorty?” the man inquires.
The Reaper looks up and hisses, “I’m here for the hamster.”
* * *
I enjoy applause as much as the next guy, but I didn’t appreciate it when my girlfriend gave me the clap.
* * *
The on/off button was unhappy in its work. It was constantly depressed.
* * *
I used to date an Asian girl, but we had a messy break up. I was badly disoriented.
* * *
There’s a reason why grass blades are so thin: they eat light.
* * *
A group of tourists visit an old English castle. One nervous lady whispers to the guide, “This place sure is spooky. Hope we don’t run into any ghosts!”
“Not to worry, mum,” the man replies. “I’ve been here 300 years and I haven’t seen one yet.”
* * *
If you’re a witch, make sure to use a broom. Never use a vacuum cleaner; you can easily fly off the handle.
* * *
My doctor just diagnosed me with severe hemorrhoids. Finally, I’m a badass!
* * *
A man is having anal sex with a prostitute, when my wife walks in.
“You can’t do this to me!” she wails.
“I know,” he replies. “Why else do you think she’s here!”
* * *
Over the weekend, I met a couple of hipsters. Properly, I guess they’re called “conjoined twins”.
* * *
Which timepiece has the fewest moving parts?
A sundial.
Which timepiece has the most moving parts?
An hourglass.
* * *
I’ve been told that infinity is not a number, but I think that’s wrong. Looks a lot like number 8 fell down drunk.
* * *
“I’m going to a party tonight, Dad.”
“You planning to drink?”
“No, Dad.”
“Do drugs?”
“Nope.”
“Have sex?”
“Of course not!”
“Why are you even bothering?”[/FONT]
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