Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I went to the grocery store to get half a dozen cans of Mountain Dew. But when I got home, I found that I’d picked 7 up.
Bomber pilot: “Enemy aircraft at one o’clock!”
Bomber copilot: “Thank god! That gives us a whole hour to get ready for them!”
Last year: bought a gun to protect my four children.
This year: sold the gun to protect my three children.
How many degrees does it take to fry a liberal’s brain cells?
Just one: a college degree.
When I need to make food for a lot of people, I choose pizza. There’s always enough dough to go ‘round.
The buyer for a US prosthetics company has started to obtain product from China. Bad decision... he’s now considered an international arms dealer.
To help treat my pessimism, my therapist suggested that I get a jar and put a dollar in it each time I have a negative thought. Well, I did... it’s currently half empty.
Teacher: “Let’s review our grammar rules, class. The rhyme tells ‘I before E, except after’... little Billy, do you know how it ends?”
Billy: “At Old MacDonald’s farm?”
I made a big purchase recently, but accidentally handed over my donor card instead of a credit card. It wound up costing me an arm and a leg.
“I understand you competed in a big debate about which vowel is most important.”
“Yeah. I won.”
I’ve been told that for ideal health I should do crunches twice a day. It’s working out great; Nestle makes a really delicious candy bar!
Child: “Mommy, how come you’re getting gray hairs?”
Mother: “Well dear, that’s so I can keep track of how naughty you’ve been. Every time you do something wrong, God turns one of my hairs gray to let me know.”
Child: “Ohhhh, that explains a lot. I can see now why Gramma’s completely gray.”
“Before dunking the lobster in boiling water, is it wise to satisfy its curiosity about the butter being used?”
“Indeed yes; at some point, you have to clarify.”
My wife insists that she’d rather be cremated than buried. I want to do everything possible to comply with her wishes... in fact, I’m trying to get her an appointment for tomorrow.
“Remember Mrs. Brown, the Sunday School teacher? She’s the one who kept nagging that masturbation would make us go blind.”
“Oh yeah. I haven’t seen her I years.”
I’m in need of a bone marrow transplant, but there’s a long wait for a suitable donor. It’s gonna take at least nine months.
Doctor: “This is serious. The bacteria in your system is more than strong enough to swim against your bloodstream.”
Patient: “Oh my god! Which one is it?”
Doctor: “Salmonella.”
I went to a Superman-themed night at my club, but never got in. The line at the cloakroom was too long.
“Says here on your resume you have a degree in theoretical physics.”
“That’s a typo. It should actually read I have a theoretical degree in physics.”
My German grandmother brought us a special treat last Christmas, but I never had any. It was stollen.
She: “I’m all out of blouses. Okay if I take one of your wife beaters?”
He: “Sure. Knock yourself out.”
The neighbors think my kids are spoiled. I think they just need to bathe more often.[/FONT]
* * *
Bomber pilot: “Enemy aircraft at one o’clock!”
Bomber copilot: “Thank god! That gives us a whole hour to get ready for them!”
* * *
Last year: bought a gun to protect my four children.
This year: sold the gun to protect my three children.
* * *
How many degrees does it take to fry a liberal’s brain cells?
Just one: a college degree.
* * *
When I need to make food for a lot of people, I choose pizza. There’s always enough dough to go ‘round.
* * *
The buyer for a US prosthetics company has started to obtain product from China. Bad decision... he’s now considered an international arms dealer.
* * *
To help treat my pessimism, my therapist suggested that I get a jar and put a dollar in it each time I have a negative thought. Well, I did... it’s currently half empty.
* * *
Teacher: “Let’s review our grammar rules, class. The rhyme tells ‘I before E, except after’... little Billy, do you know how it ends?”
Billy: “At Old MacDonald’s farm?”
* * *
I made a big purchase recently, but accidentally handed over my donor card instead of a credit card. It wound up costing me an arm and a leg.
* * *
“I understand you competed in a big debate about which vowel is most important.”
“Yeah. I won.”
* * *
I’ve been told that for ideal health I should do crunches twice a day. It’s working out great; Nestle makes a really delicious candy bar!
* * *
Child: “Mommy, how come you’re getting gray hairs?”
Mother: “Well dear, that’s so I can keep track of how naughty you’ve been. Every time you do something wrong, God turns one of my hairs gray to let me know.”
Child: “Ohhhh, that explains a lot. I can see now why Gramma’s completely gray.”
* * *
“Before dunking the lobster in boiling water, is it wise to satisfy its curiosity about the butter being used?”
“Indeed yes; at some point, you have to clarify.”
* * *
My wife insists that she’d rather be cremated than buried. I want to do everything possible to comply with her wishes... in fact, I’m trying to get her an appointment for tomorrow.
* * *
“Remember Mrs. Brown, the Sunday School teacher? She’s the one who kept nagging that masturbation would make us go blind.”
“Oh yeah. I haven’t seen her I years.”
* * *
I’m in need of a bone marrow transplant, but there’s a long wait for a suitable donor. It’s gonna take at least nine months.
* * *
Doctor: “This is serious. The bacteria in your system is more than strong enough to swim against your bloodstream.”
Patient: “Oh my god! Which one is it?”
Doctor: “Salmonella.”
* * *
I went to a Superman-themed night at my club, but never got in. The line at the cloakroom was too long.
* * *
“Says here on your resume you have a degree in theoretical physics.”
“That’s a typo. It should actually read I have a theoretical degree in physics.”
* * *
My German grandmother brought us a special treat last Christmas, but I never had any. It was stollen.
* * *
She: “I’m all out of blouses. Okay if I take one of your wife beaters?”
He: “Sure. Knock yourself out.”
* * *
The neighbors think my kids are spoiled. I think they just need to bathe more often.[/FONT]
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