Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Never yell "fire!" in a crowded theater. I'll shoot when I'm damned well ready.
Big news! I am no longer a 30 year old virgin!
I turned 31 today.
If Donald Trump was Mexican, what would his campaign slogan be?
"We need to build a ladder!"
When I was young, my mom used to strip in front of our 12 chickens to insure they'd lay a dozen eggs apiece. That's gross!
The Goodwill Store burned down last night. This morning, the whole town was exposed to second-hand smoke.
My dad's been taking a self-help course which teaches that to grow, a person needs to embrace his mistakes. So... why's he been hugging me so long?
"Wanna hear a story about sodium?"
"Na."
"How about potassium?"
"K."
A jeweler cast a pendant of an adorable puppy in solid gold.
Au!
A mad scientist has spliced your genes together with those of a gopher and a duck. He calls the resulting creature Gophuckyourself.
Two statisticians are out duck hunting, when they notice a nice fat mallard winging overhead. They both fire at the same time; one shot passes 6 feet above the target, the other passes 6 feet below.
"Got him!" they both cheer.
North Korean news network: Another triumph! North Korean space probe discovers water and fish on moon!
Reuters: North Korean rocket found in Indian Ocean.
Chinese tourists are usually disappointed when they visit the US. As soon as they buy souvenirs to take home, they discover that they're all made in China.
I'm marrying a widow with a dozen kids. It's a twelve step program.
My brother may be on the run, but I insist he could have a fabulous career as a blacksmith. Every time he hears a siren, he makes a bolt for the door.
I wouldn't say my neighborhood's been gentrified; at best, it's been demilitarized.
In business, teamwork is essential. It's vitally important to spread the blame.
Bill Clinton's presidential legacy and Hillary Clinton's presidential ambition have this much in common: they're both being spoiled by a Wiener.
I just read that an average person has sex 89 times a year. Man, my December's gonna be insane!
I was minding my own business, when my girlfriend starts hollering, "You weren't even listening to me, were you?"
Wow, what a weird way to start a conversation!
Halloween should have been held on November 8th this year. I can't think of anything scarier.
You read so much about the negative effects of drinking and smoking; makes you want to stop reading altogether.
A man, stumbling home late from a Halloween party, decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. Midway through, he hears an eerie, persistent tapping... approaching fearfully, he discovers a withered old man chipping away at a grave marker.
"You scared the hell out of me!" the drunk cries. "I was afraid you might be a ghost or a zombie! Why on earth are you working out here so late?"
The gaunt man looks up in irritation.
"Damn stone carver!" he rasps. "He spelled my name wrong."
* * *
Big news! I am no longer a 30 year old virgin!
I turned 31 today.
* * *
If Donald Trump was Mexican, what would his campaign slogan be?
"We need to build a ladder!"
* * *
When I was young, my mom used to strip in front of our 12 chickens to insure they'd lay a dozen eggs apiece. That's gross!
* * *
The Goodwill Store burned down last night. This morning, the whole town was exposed to second-hand smoke.
* * *
My dad's been taking a self-help course which teaches that to grow, a person needs to embrace his mistakes. So... why's he been hugging me so long?
* * *
"Wanna hear a story about sodium?"
"Na."
"How about potassium?"
"K."
* * *
A jeweler cast a pendant of an adorable puppy in solid gold.
Au!
* * *
A mad scientist has spliced your genes together with those of a gopher and a duck. He calls the resulting creature Gophuckyourself.
* * *
Two statisticians are out duck hunting, when they notice a nice fat mallard winging overhead. They both fire at the same time; one shot passes 6 feet above the target, the other passes 6 feet below.
"Got him!" they both cheer.
* * *
North Korean news network: Another triumph! North Korean space probe discovers water and fish on moon!
Reuters: North Korean rocket found in Indian Ocean.
* * *
Chinese tourists are usually disappointed when they visit the US. As soon as they buy souvenirs to take home, they discover that they're all made in China.
* * *
I'm marrying a widow with a dozen kids. It's a twelve step program.
* * *
My brother may be on the run, but I insist he could have a fabulous career as a blacksmith. Every time he hears a siren, he makes a bolt for the door.
* * *
I wouldn't say my neighborhood's been gentrified; at best, it's been demilitarized.
* * *
In business, teamwork is essential. It's vitally important to spread the blame.
* * *
Bill Clinton's presidential legacy and Hillary Clinton's presidential ambition have this much in common: they're both being spoiled by a Wiener.
* * *
I just read that an average person has sex 89 times a year. Man, my December's gonna be insane!
* * *
I was minding my own business, when my girlfriend starts hollering, "You weren't even listening to me, were you?"
Wow, what a weird way to start a conversation!
* * *
Halloween should have been held on November 8th this year. I can't think of anything scarier.
* * *
You read so much about the negative effects of drinking and smoking; makes you want to stop reading altogether.
* * *
A man, stumbling home late from a Halloween party, decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. Midway through, he hears an eerie, persistent tapping... approaching fearfully, he discovers a withered old man chipping away at a grave marker.
"You scared the hell out of me!" the drunk cries. "I was afraid you might be a ghost or a zombie! Why on earth are you working out here so late?"
The gaunt man looks up in irritation.
"Damn stone carver!" he rasps. "He spelled my name wrong."
