Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
A secretary at the office asked if I'd be interested in swinging with her and a second girl. Jesus, who needs a threesome! If I wanted to see two disappointed faces, I'd have dinner with my parents!
Last night, a bunch of lab monkeys escaped their cage and broke into a fireworks factory. This morning, the whole town was covered with Rhesus pieces.
This weekend I quit smoking cold turkey. Three of them should be more than enough for Thanksgiving dinner.
Despite all the unintentional confusion he's created, we really ought to cut the inventor of auto-correct some slack. I'm sure he meant we'll.
My wife and I had a huge argument about which of us would take care of the laundry. In the end, it was me that folded.
Tom Brady is a perplexing sports figure. On the one hand, he has five Super Bowl rings... but on the other hand, he has only one.
I once swallowed too much Viagra and got an erection that lasted for six hours. Doctors say that can be dangerous; I wasn't concerned, but my wife took it hard.
Seoul is an okay city, but Dublin is twice as good. And there's another city three times better: Tripoli.
Ever since PG&E started randomly turning off the electricity in California, I've become obsessed with getting enough supplies to last through multiple blackouts. I've been buying up bottled water, battery operated lanterns, food that doesn't have to be cooked and anything else I can think of. I ought to feel enraged at the utility, but I don't... guess I've developed stock home syndrome.
Q: Does James Bond ride a horse using stirrups?
A: No. He prefers shaken-ups.
Väinämöinen, epic hero of the Kalavala myths, must have been the ancestor of Popeye. We know this because he was strong to the Finnish.
"Why do wild elephants wear yellow hats?"
"I really couldn't say."
"It's camouflage so they blend right in with our local mustard fields."
"Hey, this is California! No one's ever seen wild elephants in the United States!"
"I know! That's how well they work!"
My wife is currently carrying our first male child. It's a humiliating spectacle... eighteen year olds can walk perfectly well on their own.
Q: How do white supremacists celebrate their birthdays?
A: With cake, cake, cake!
My wife calls me a hopeless drunk, but that doesn't keep me from sleeping like a baby... pooping and pissing myself all night long and waking up only long enough to scream for another bottle.
He: "If it wasn't for your partial deafness, you'd be the perfect woman! In fact, you're an eight on a scale of ten!"
She: "Now why the hell would you want me to do that?"
He: "Huh? Do what?"
She: "You just said it: urinate on a skeleton!"
Most dairy cattle have the standard four teats per udder; all the ones I own have seven. You'd think that Guinness World Records would be interested in them, but says they're nothing special. That's because they lactate.
Q: Which musical instrument is worth a thousand dollars exactly?
A: The grand piano.
I was afraid I might have broken my leg when I stumbled over that Kleenex box last night, but happily there was only tissue damage.
Math texts are the saddest books in the library. They have nothing but problems.
If you're going to become a mathematician, stay away from alcohol. Employers won't tolerate a worker who drinks and derives.
Each and every passenger on a certain transatlantic flight joined the Mile-High Club. It was one of the most massive fuck-ups in airline history.
* * *
Last night, a bunch of lab monkeys escaped their cage and broke into a fireworks factory. This morning, the whole town was covered with Rhesus pieces.
* * *
This weekend I quit smoking cold turkey. Three of them should be more than enough for Thanksgiving dinner.
* * *
Despite all the unintentional confusion he's created, we really ought to cut the inventor of auto-correct some slack. I'm sure he meant we'll.
* * *
My wife and I had a huge argument about which of us would take care of the laundry. In the end, it was me that folded.
* * *
Tom Brady is a perplexing sports figure. On the one hand, he has five Super Bowl rings... but on the other hand, he has only one.
* * *
I once swallowed too much Viagra and got an erection that lasted for six hours. Doctors say that can be dangerous; I wasn't concerned, but my wife took it hard.
* * *
Seoul is an okay city, but Dublin is twice as good. And there's another city three times better: Tripoli.
* * *
Ever since PG&E started randomly turning off the electricity in California, I've become obsessed with getting enough supplies to last through multiple blackouts. I've been buying up bottled water, battery operated lanterns, food that doesn't have to be cooked and anything else I can think of. I ought to feel enraged at the utility, but I don't... guess I've developed stock home syndrome.
* * *
Q: Does James Bond ride a horse using stirrups?
A: No. He prefers shaken-ups.
* * *
Väinämöinen, epic hero of the Kalavala myths, must have been the ancestor of Popeye. We know this because he was strong to the Finnish.
* * *
"Why do wild elephants wear yellow hats?"
"I really couldn't say."
"It's camouflage so they blend right in with our local mustard fields."
"Hey, this is California! No one's ever seen wild elephants in the United States!"
"I know! That's how well they work!"
* * *
My wife is currently carrying our first male child. It's a humiliating spectacle... eighteen year olds can walk perfectly well on their own.
* * *
Q: How do white supremacists celebrate their birthdays?
A: With cake, cake, cake!
* * *
My wife calls me a hopeless drunk, but that doesn't keep me from sleeping like a baby... pooping and pissing myself all night long and waking up only long enough to scream for another bottle.
* * *
He: "If it wasn't for your partial deafness, you'd be the perfect woman! In fact, you're an eight on a scale of ten!"
She: "Now why the hell would you want me to do that?"
He: "Huh? Do what?"
She: "You just said it: urinate on a skeleton!"
* * *
Most dairy cattle have the standard four teats per udder; all the ones I own have seven. You'd think that Guinness World Records would be interested in them, but says they're nothing special. That's because they lactate.
* * *
Q: Which musical instrument is worth a thousand dollars exactly?
A: The grand piano.
* * *
I was afraid I might have broken my leg when I stumbled over that Kleenex box last night, but happily there was only tissue damage.
* * *
Math texts are the saddest books in the library. They have nothing but problems.
* * *
If you're going to become a mathematician, stay away from alcohol. Employers won't tolerate a worker who drinks and derives.
* * *
Each and every passenger on a certain transatlantic flight joined the Mile-High Club. It was one of the most massive fuck-ups in airline history.
