Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,989
- Points
- 48
Ever hear about Tony the Tiger's Cheese-Frosted Flakes? They're grate!
I'm pro-condom. Maybe to a fanatical degree... I use them in every conceivable situation.
He: "This'll be your twentieth kid and counting! Bet you're starting to run out of names!"
She: "Oh, I've already worked that out."
He: "You have? So, what will you be calling the next one?"
She: "I'm planning to call it Quits."
I never knew my family was racist until I brought home a black girlfriend. My wife and kids were incredibly upset!
The most familiar mustard on the market: Dijon Vu.
If I could win ten million dollars in the lottery, it'd make all the difference in the world! That kind of money would be wife-changing!
Mrs. Partridge: "Did you hear? Officer Hawk has arrested the Seven Crow Brothers!"
Mrs. Pigeon: "What's the charge?"
Mrs. Partridge: "Unlawful assembly and suspicion of murder!"
Mrs. Pigeon: "Is the arrest expected to hold up?"
Mrs. Partridge: "Oh yes! There's probabale caws."
My childhood was the worst! Kids today gripe about being strapped... my mom used to come after me with a wire coat hanger! It wasn't until after I was born that she switched to a belt.
Every house should have a house cat! You can't spell "homeowner" without "meow"!
My uncle always said, "The good die young!" I suppose he thought that meant he'd live forever, but no such luck: turns out the bad also die young.
He: "You're gonna be so proud of me! Guinness record here I come... my last bowel movement weighed 3 full pounds!"
She: "Dear Lord! Please don't tell me you really stepped on the scale, did your business, then used the scale again just to check the difference!"
He: "Hmmm... yeah, I guess I could have done it that way too."
My wife tends to spoil the children. I tell her over and over again: make sure they're vacuum-sealed as quickly as possible!
Technically, werewolves should be called that right after the full moon. When the moon is high up in the night sky, they're really are-wolves.
I lost my wife due to my compulsive gambling. At the right odds, I might try to win her back again.
Q: According to mythology, the monster Cerberus was just as swift as the equally fearsome creature, the Hydra. If they were to have a race, how would it go?
A: The two would be neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck.
I think my mother-in-law happens to be quite attractive. That's my hope, anyway, every time there's a thunderstorm.
Product name for margarine targeted at Eskimos: "I Can't Believe It's Not Blubber!"
My girlfriend beat everyone in her chess club, so now she thinks she's a chess master. Big deal! In bed, I mate her in four moves!
A recent vote declared coffee the most popular beverage worldwide. The poling was generally considered to be faulty; no one counted the absent tea ballots.
Blonde #1: "People keep telling me that if I fill my ice cube trays with hot water, they'll freeze faster than if I use cold water. So, which one is faster, hot or cold?"
Blonde #2: "Hot, silly! I mean, it's so obvious... you can catch a cold!"
Last night on the way home, I passed a line of vendors selling caramel apples, Hawaiian ice, gelato, churros, cotton candy and kettle corn. "My!" I thought to myself, "The streets sure are desserted!"
Donald Trump has been reelected President of the United States. His first term was decidedly odd and so too will be his second term: 45th and 47th.
* * *
I'm pro-condom. Maybe to a fanatical degree... I use them in every conceivable situation.
* * *
He: "This'll be your twentieth kid and counting! Bet you're starting to run out of names!"
She: "Oh, I've already worked that out."
He: "You have? So, what will you be calling the next one?"
She: "I'm planning to call it Quits."
* * *
I never knew my family was racist until I brought home a black girlfriend. My wife and kids were incredibly upset!
* * *
The most familiar mustard on the market: Dijon Vu.
* * *
If I could win ten million dollars in the lottery, it'd make all the difference in the world! That kind of money would be wife-changing!
* * *
Mrs. Partridge: "Did you hear? Officer Hawk has arrested the Seven Crow Brothers!"
Mrs. Pigeon: "What's the charge?"
Mrs. Partridge: "Unlawful assembly and suspicion of murder!"
Mrs. Pigeon: "Is the arrest expected to hold up?"
Mrs. Partridge: "Oh yes! There's probabale caws."
* * *
My childhood was the worst! Kids today gripe about being strapped... my mom used to come after me with a wire coat hanger! It wasn't until after I was born that she switched to a belt.
* * *
Every house should have a house cat! You can't spell "homeowner" without "meow"!
* * *
My uncle always said, "The good die young!" I suppose he thought that meant he'd live forever, but no such luck: turns out the bad also die young.
* * *
He: "You're gonna be so proud of me! Guinness record here I come... my last bowel movement weighed 3 full pounds!"
She: "Dear Lord! Please don't tell me you really stepped on the scale, did your business, then used the scale again just to check the difference!"
He: "Hmmm... yeah, I guess I could have done it that way too."
* * *
My wife tends to spoil the children. I tell her over and over again: make sure they're vacuum-sealed as quickly as possible!
* * *
Technically, werewolves should be called that right after the full moon. When the moon is high up in the night sky, they're really are-wolves.
* * *
I lost my wife due to my compulsive gambling. At the right odds, I might try to win her back again.
* * *
Q: According to mythology, the monster Cerberus was just as swift as the equally fearsome creature, the Hydra. If they were to have a race, how would it go?
A: The two would be neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck.
* * *
I think my mother-in-law happens to be quite attractive. That's my hope, anyway, every time there's a thunderstorm.
* * *
Product name for margarine targeted at Eskimos: "I Can't Believe It's Not Blubber!"
* * *
My girlfriend beat everyone in her chess club, so now she thinks she's a chess master. Big deal! In bed, I mate her in four moves!
* * *
A recent vote declared coffee the most popular beverage worldwide. The poling was generally considered to be faulty; no one counted the absent tea ballots.
* * *
Blonde #1: "People keep telling me that if I fill my ice cube trays with hot water, they'll freeze faster than if I use cold water. So, which one is faster, hot or cold?"
Blonde #2: "Hot, silly! I mean, it's so obvious... you can catch a cold!"
* * *
Last night on the way home, I passed a line of vendors selling caramel apples, Hawaiian ice, gelato, churros, cotton candy and kettle corn. "My!" I thought to myself, "The streets sure are desserted!"
* * *
Donald Trump has been reelected President of the United States. His first term was decidedly odd and so too will be his second term: 45th and 47th.
