Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Happy holidays from the superhero world! Aquaman sends sea son's greetings!
My mom was a Spanish dancer in her youth. It prepared her admirably for her later work in the fisheries... she already knew how to castanet.
Blonde: "I don't understand this Hanukkah business. What's it got to do with dragons?"
Brunette: "It doesn't have anything to do with dragons! Hanukkah is a religious celebration where the participants feast eight nights."
Blonde: "Well, isn't that what dragons did? Ate knights?"
It's like my daddy always told me: if you want some sage advise, be sure to ask an herbalist.
There's a penalty to pay when you start drinking tea. The cost is steep.
A few years ago, I ran a trading post in New Guinea and had the occasional cannibal come in for supplies. One day, a burly savage entered and asked me, "Do you happen to stock any of those funny tasting cannibal sardine tins I've heard so much about?"
"Beg your pardon?" I countered. "Sorry, I don't know what you mean."
"It's something we don't have locally," he smiled, "but I'd hoped you might have brought some over. In the States, I believe you call them 'clown cars'."
Have you been to the new bait and tackle shop yet? You know the one I mean... the couple who run it named it after themselves: Rod and Annette.
Ain't life a pain? Yesterday I rolled a joint and hadda drag... my left leg, that is.
Since Toys-R-Us is now completely defunct, Walmart wants to fill the gap and claim a bigger share of the lucrative kiddie market. In fact, they've already developed a spokes-animal along the lines of Geoffrey the Giraffe... Wal-R-Us.
It seems my next-door neighbor wants to be a cannibal! Not only that, but he's eager to start feeding on the young! Every day, just at dinnertime, he goes out onto his front porch and hollers, "Time to eat kids!"
Q: Apiculture supply stores worldwide have been receiving order after order for hives to install up in the North Pole. What would Santa find so attractive about a beehive?
A: Its swarm.
The owner of our local saloon just had a new mechanical bull installed. When I asked him where it came from, he told me, "Right off the wrench!"
A college professor wants a grant to take his biology class to the African coast so they can observe shoals of that living fossil, the coelacanth. The students aren't supportive; they consider the subject old school.
I'm never buying Colgate Toothpaste again! It says right on the tube that significant whitening can be expected in just two weeks! Well I've been using it a month now and I'm just as much Chinese as I've ever been!
Despite appearances, Dr. Strange really resents his Cloak of Levitation. It's quite bulky and occasionally disobedient. Even so, when danger threatens, he's able to put it all behind him.
My auntie has a weird quirk: if she happens to light up a candle, she won't extinguish the flame until the wax is completely melted. She's quite puritanical and as far as she's concerned, there's no rest for the wicked.
You just can't win art contests... they always end in a draw.
Yesterday I bought some free range eggs. Big mistake; when I went to make breakfast this morning, none of them had returned to the kitchen.
Q: Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
A: The only light at the end of the tunnel they ever see is New Jersey.
Viagra may be popular, but I don't plan to buy any... I'm too hard up.
It's so distressing! Granny's planning to divorce my Grandpa and take up with a younger man! All she talks about anymore is her hip replacement!
I'm nearly 80 years old and my wife has stood by me since the day we were married. I'll be goddammed if I'm gonna buy a second chair!
* * *
My mom was a Spanish dancer in her youth. It prepared her admirably for her later work in the fisheries... she already knew how to castanet.
* * *
Blonde: "I don't understand this Hanukkah business. What's it got to do with dragons?"
Brunette: "It doesn't have anything to do with dragons! Hanukkah is a religious celebration where the participants feast eight nights."
Blonde: "Well, isn't that what dragons did? Ate knights?"
* * *
It's like my daddy always told me: if you want some sage advise, be sure to ask an herbalist.
* * *
There's a penalty to pay when you start drinking tea. The cost is steep.
* * *
A few years ago, I ran a trading post in New Guinea and had the occasional cannibal come in for supplies. One day, a burly savage entered and asked me, "Do you happen to stock any of those funny tasting cannibal sardine tins I've heard so much about?"
"Beg your pardon?" I countered. "Sorry, I don't know what you mean."
"It's something we don't have locally," he smiled, "but I'd hoped you might have brought some over. In the States, I believe you call them 'clown cars'."
* * *
Have you been to the new bait and tackle shop yet? You know the one I mean... the couple who run it named it after themselves: Rod and Annette.
* * *
Ain't life a pain? Yesterday I rolled a joint and hadda drag... my left leg, that is.
* * *
Since Toys-R-Us is now completely defunct, Walmart wants to fill the gap and claim a bigger share of the lucrative kiddie market. In fact, they've already developed a spokes-animal along the lines of Geoffrey the Giraffe... Wal-R-Us.
* * *
It seems my next-door neighbor wants to be a cannibal! Not only that, but he's eager to start feeding on the young! Every day, just at dinnertime, he goes out onto his front porch and hollers, "Time to eat kids!"
* * *
Q: Apiculture supply stores worldwide have been receiving order after order for hives to install up in the North Pole. What would Santa find so attractive about a beehive?
A: Its swarm.
* * *
The owner of our local saloon just had a new mechanical bull installed. When I asked him where it came from, he told me, "Right off the wrench!"
* * *
A college professor wants a grant to take his biology class to the African coast so they can observe shoals of that living fossil, the coelacanth. The students aren't supportive; they consider the subject old school.
* * *
I'm never buying Colgate Toothpaste again! It says right on the tube that significant whitening can be expected in just two weeks! Well I've been using it a month now and I'm just as much Chinese as I've ever been!
* * *
Despite appearances, Dr. Strange really resents his Cloak of Levitation. It's quite bulky and occasionally disobedient. Even so, when danger threatens, he's able to put it all behind him.
* * *
My auntie has a weird quirk: if she happens to light up a candle, she won't extinguish the flame until the wax is completely melted. She's quite puritanical and as far as she's concerned, there's no rest for the wicked.
* * *
You just can't win art contests... they always end in a draw.
* * *
Yesterday I bought some free range eggs. Big mistake; when I went to make breakfast this morning, none of them had returned to the kitchen.
* * *
Q: Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
A: The only light at the end of the tunnel they ever see is New Jersey.
* * *
Viagra may be popular, but I don't plan to buy any... I'm too hard up.
* * *
It's so distressing! Granny's planning to divorce my Grandpa and take up with a younger man! All she talks about anymore is her hip replacement!
* * *
I'm nearly 80 years old and my wife has stood by me since the day we were married. I'll be goddammed if I'm gonna buy a second chair!
