Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Congress never seems to hear our voice... maybe 'cause they concentrate so much on ayes and noes.
My young son's developed ADD. You'd think that would compromise his test scores, but surprisingly he's become really good at math.
When I was young, I never went to school. My mom taught me how to count, but not very well: 1, 2, 3, 5, 6 and so on. My dad would say, "With those skills, you'll never become a mathematics professor." It was a foregone conclusion.
Q: How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A: Nothing. Where'd you get the idea that pirates pay for anything?
We tend to think of Jesus as austere and chaste, but I've just learned that he was super popular with the ladies. I'm not sure why, but I suspect it had something to do with his famous second coming.
No point in asking a shepherd how many girlfriends he has. He's sure to fall asleep.
My brother told me recently that he makes his living as something called a confidence man. He must not be very good at it... he's always asking me for money.
He: "Can I buy you a drink?"
She: "No thanks. I don't touch alcohol. It's bad for my legs."
He: "Really! Does it cause them to swell up?"
She: "No. It causes them to spread."
At work, my boss is getting sick and tired of our slovenly attitudes. He says he's going to fire the next employee who displays poor posture. I don't know for sure which of us will get the ax, but I've got a strong hunch.
Stumped about what to get your noisy nephew for Christmas? Try this suggestion: a broken drum set! Now there's a gift that can't be beat!
She: "I asked Junior to pick me up one bunch of asparagus at the grocery store, but he came back with two. I wonder why."
He: "Hmmm... I'm not sure. The second's just a spare, I guess."
My wife told me that she'd like a fancy ring for her birthday. Well, I can take a hint... I immediately booked two seats at the next Wrestlemania!
Q: Who received the first Nobel Prize?
A: The inventor of the knock-knock joke.
Baby corn #1: "Hey, I haven't seen your mom around lately."
Baby corn #2: "No, not since her sex change operation."
Baby corn #1: "Sex change operation?"
Baby corn #2: "Yeah, the farmer picked her to become a pop."
I recently caught my girlfriend using a needle to poke holes in my condom. I was distressed, naturally; couldn't she have done that before I put it on?
For years now, Dr. Pepper has come in cans. Evidently he has a tin fetish.
I alarmed our pastor when I told him that I believed only about 12 percent of the events in the Bible to be true. Now he considers me an eighth theist.
Waiter: "What will it be tonight, sir?"
Restaurant patron: "Well, whatever the lady at the next table's eating looks delicious! I'll have that!"
Waiter: "I'll inquire, sir. But I'm pretty sure she intends to finish it herself."
My therapist tells me that I have a lot of trouble interpreting social cues. God, I wish she'd quit hitting on me!
With its rampant bum explosion and constant power outages, some pundits have compared the state of California to the Titanic. That doesn't seem very apt: the Titanic crew managed to keep the lights on while it sank.
Q: What did Obi-Wan say when he learned that Anikin and Padme had gotten married?
A: "May divorce be with you!"
The staff at Webster's Dictionary has displayed their wokeness by selecting the word "they" as word of the year. They did this because they claim its gender neutral. Well, they're dead wrong about that. Any time you use the word "they", "he" will always be there.
* * *
My young son's developed ADD. You'd think that would compromise his test scores, but surprisingly he's become really good at math.
* * *
When I was young, I never went to school. My mom taught me how to count, but not very well: 1, 2, 3, 5, 6 and so on. My dad would say, "With those skills, you'll never become a mathematics professor." It was a foregone conclusion.
* * *
Q: How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A: Nothing. Where'd you get the idea that pirates pay for anything?
* * *
We tend to think of Jesus as austere and chaste, but I've just learned that he was super popular with the ladies. I'm not sure why, but I suspect it had something to do with his famous second coming.
* * *
No point in asking a shepherd how many girlfriends he has. He's sure to fall asleep.
* * *
My brother told me recently that he makes his living as something called a confidence man. He must not be very good at it... he's always asking me for money.
* * *
He: "Can I buy you a drink?"
She: "No thanks. I don't touch alcohol. It's bad for my legs."
He: "Really! Does it cause them to swell up?"
She: "No. It causes them to spread."
* * *
At work, my boss is getting sick and tired of our slovenly attitudes. He says he's going to fire the next employee who displays poor posture. I don't know for sure which of us will get the ax, but I've got a strong hunch.
* * *
Stumped about what to get your noisy nephew for Christmas? Try this suggestion: a broken drum set! Now there's a gift that can't be beat!
* * *
She: "I asked Junior to pick me up one bunch of asparagus at the grocery store, but he came back with two. I wonder why."
He: "Hmmm... I'm not sure. The second's just a spare, I guess."
* * *
My wife told me that she'd like a fancy ring for her birthday. Well, I can take a hint... I immediately booked two seats at the next Wrestlemania!
* * *
Q: Who received the first Nobel Prize?
A: The inventor of the knock-knock joke.
* * *
Baby corn #1: "Hey, I haven't seen your mom around lately."
Baby corn #2: "No, not since her sex change operation."
Baby corn #1: "Sex change operation?"
Baby corn #2: "Yeah, the farmer picked her to become a pop."
* * *
I recently caught my girlfriend using a needle to poke holes in my condom. I was distressed, naturally; couldn't she have done that before I put it on?
* * *
For years now, Dr. Pepper has come in cans. Evidently he has a tin fetish.
* * *
I alarmed our pastor when I told him that I believed only about 12 percent of the events in the Bible to be true. Now he considers me an eighth theist.
* * *
Waiter: "What will it be tonight, sir?"
Restaurant patron: "Well, whatever the lady at the next table's eating looks delicious! I'll have that!"
Waiter: "I'll inquire, sir. But I'm pretty sure she intends to finish it herself."
* * *
My therapist tells me that I have a lot of trouble interpreting social cues. God, I wish she'd quit hitting on me!
* * *
With its rampant bum explosion and constant power outages, some pundits have compared the state of California to the Titanic. That doesn't seem very apt: the Titanic crew managed to keep the lights on while it sank.
* * *
Q: What did Obi-Wan say when he learned that Anikin and Padme had gotten married?
A: "May divorce be with you!"
* * *
The staff at Webster's Dictionary has displayed their wokeness by selecting the word "they" as word of the year. They did this because they claim its gender neutral. Well, they're dead wrong about that. Any time you use the word "they", "he" will always be there.
