Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]At first, I thought my doctor told me not to eat anything fatty. What he actually said was, “Don’t eat anything, fatty!”
The trailer for Avengers Endgame broke the record at 289 million online views in 24 hours. Think how many more there would have been if Thanos hadn’t snapped his fingers.
We should all be conscious of the health benefits of preserved fruit, particularly dried grapes. I strongly believe in raisin awareness.
Private: “I’m quitting the army! The Captain just said something really offensive!”
Corporal: “Oh yeah? What was that?”
Private: “He told me, ‘Get out there and take that bunker!’ “
NASA is starting to bully Elon Musk like he was a schoolboy... I hear they want his launch money.
“Our trip to the zoo has been quite instructive! Look over here; according to the sign, this enclosure houses a creature that creates a huge stink and lives off dead beetles.”
“Great! They finally put Yoko Ono behind bars!”
If Rudolph and his crew ever get ill, Gandalf the magician has volunteered to pull Santa’s sleigh with his magic. I suppose he’s up to the job; he is, after all, the Mithreindeer.
How do you stop bacon strips from curling in the pan?
Take away their brooms.
Trump should not have used the term “shit-hole countries”. The proper wording, I believe, is turd-world nations.
Band-Aids’ stock is way down. That’s what happens when you’re constantly being ripped off.
One leech: a parasite.
More than one leech: a nest.
A whole community of leeches: a Senate.
I went to a wild Halloween party back in October... everyone was dressed up in ghost costumes and the ground outside was decorated to look like a graveyard. Then some jerk vandalized all the crosses by setting them on fire.
Which soul singer made a Christmas decoration from hundred dollar bills?
Aretha Franklin.
The pagan gods didn’t talk to mortals much. When they did, it was only idol chatter.
I was afraid my son might have Tourette’s Syndrome. Happily, it turns out he really does think I’m an asshole and wants me to fuck off.
He: “I love these black-tie events!”
She: “Jackass! Show some respect at my mother’s funeral!”
I went to the gym hoping to use a machine that would impress the ladies. Turns out the only one that worked was the ATM machine.
Certain of the X-Men seem more trustworthy than others. Wolverine, for example, is a standup guy; Professor X, not so much.
“Congratulations! Your wife told me she’s now eating for two!”
“Yeah, that’s her goal. I suppose next year it’ll be 300 pounds.”
My married life is just like a fairy tale! Tonight, I’m heading home to face the wicked witch.
When having unmarried sex, it’s advisable to use a condom. To be extra safe, cover that condom with a second condom. Better still, cover those two with a third condom. A condom within a condom within a condom... the end result: Contraception.
“I just read that the Statue of Liberty is 20 times the size of an actual woman.”
“Interesting statistic. I just found out that the blue whale has a penis 20 times the size of a human male’s.”
“Well I’ll be darned... no wonder she’s constantly looking out to sea.”[/FONT]
* * *
The trailer for Avengers Endgame broke the record at 289 million online views in 24 hours. Think how many more there would have been if Thanos hadn’t snapped his fingers.
* * *
We should all be conscious of the health benefits of preserved fruit, particularly dried grapes. I strongly believe in raisin awareness.
* * *
Private: “I’m quitting the army! The Captain just said something really offensive!”
Corporal: “Oh yeah? What was that?”
Private: “He told me, ‘Get out there and take that bunker!’ “
* * *
NASA is starting to bully Elon Musk like he was a schoolboy... I hear they want his launch money.
* * *
“Our trip to the zoo has been quite instructive! Look over here; according to the sign, this enclosure houses a creature that creates a huge stink and lives off dead beetles.”
“Great! They finally put Yoko Ono behind bars!”
* * *
If Rudolph and his crew ever get ill, Gandalf the magician has volunteered to pull Santa’s sleigh with his magic. I suppose he’s up to the job; he is, after all, the Mithreindeer.
* * *
How do you stop bacon strips from curling in the pan?
Take away their brooms.
* * *
Trump should not have used the term “shit-hole countries”. The proper wording, I believe, is turd-world nations.
* * *
Band-Aids’ stock is way down. That’s what happens when you’re constantly being ripped off.
* * *
One leech: a parasite.
More than one leech: a nest.
A whole community of leeches: a Senate.
* * *
I went to a wild Halloween party back in October... everyone was dressed up in ghost costumes and the ground outside was decorated to look like a graveyard. Then some jerk vandalized all the crosses by setting them on fire.
* * *
Which soul singer made a Christmas decoration from hundred dollar bills?
Aretha Franklin.
* * *
The pagan gods didn’t talk to mortals much. When they did, it was only idol chatter.
* * *
I was afraid my son might have Tourette’s Syndrome. Happily, it turns out he really does think I’m an asshole and wants me to fuck off.
* * *
He: “I love these black-tie events!”
She: “Jackass! Show some respect at my mother’s funeral!”
* * *
I went to the gym hoping to use a machine that would impress the ladies. Turns out the only one that worked was the ATM machine.
* * *
Certain of the X-Men seem more trustworthy than others. Wolverine, for example, is a standup guy; Professor X, not so much.
* * *
“Congratulations! Your wife told me she’s now eating for two!”
“Yeah, that’s her goal. I suppose next year it’ll be 300 pounds.”
* * *
My married life is just like a fairy tale! Tonight, I’m heading home to face the wicked witch.
* * *
When having unmarried sex, it’s advisable to use a condom. To be extra safe, cover that condom with a second condom. Better still, cover those two with a third condom. A condom within a condom within a condom... the end result: Contraception.
* * *
“I just read that the Statue of Liberty is 20 times the size of an actual woman.”
“Interesting statistic. I just found out that the blue whale has a penis 20 times the size of a human male’s.”
“Well I’ll be darned... no wonder she’s constantly looking out to sea.”[/FONT]
