Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The first thing I notice when riding a motorcycle helmetless is the insects. They never fail to catch my eye.
Judge: “You are accused of tracking down hundreds of innocent civilians so the Nazis could send them to concentration camps. How do you plead?”
German Shepherd: “Not guilty, your honor. I was just following odors.”
If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I’d have zero dollars. Of course, if socialism ever did actually work, I’d still have zero dollars.
“Son, I want you to promise me you won’t follow in my footsteps.”
“Why not, Dad?”
“I just stepped in something really nasty.”
This year, I’ve had myself gift-wrapped and left under my girlfriend’s Christmas tree. You might say I’m learning to live in the present.
That dog must be used for carting loads. You can tell because his tail’s a wagon.
I was tubing down the Amazon River when my ass got chewed away by piranhas. I never realized they were bottom feeders!
The difference between a Jewish and an Irish wedding? At Jewish weddings, they break a glass; at Irish weddings, they break everything!
As a fledgling terrorist, it was my first assignment to blow up a school bus. Didn’t work out... I burned my mouth on the tailpipe.
Ever notice that most blond girls have bruised bellybuttons? It’s because their blond boyfriends are stupid too.
I just saw an ad for Suicide Hotline on the back of a bus. If they really serious about accomplishing something, you’d think they’d put it up front.
How can you tell the difference between St. George and Rudolph?
St. George is slaying a dragon; Rudolph is draggin’ a sleigh.
While out hunting, I accidentally shot my atheist friend in the chest. He’s a holey man now.
Library patron: “Uh... where might I find the books on paranoia?”
Librarian: “They’re right behind you.”
The difference between dogs and cats: the dog walks up at you and declares “You’re God!”; a cat walks up at you and introduces himself as “Your god”.
I always stir my coffee with my left hand. Most folks look askance at that... they all prefer to use spoons.
Pet shopper: “I need me a dog.”
Pet shop owner: “Yes sir. We have several different breeds and they all have unique personalities. What temperament are you looking for?”
Shopper: “Whazat you wanna know?”
Owner: “Demeanor.”
Shopper: “Oh. I want him for a guard dog, so I guess da meaner, da better.”
I was at work when my neighbor called to complain: my wife had just accused him of stealing wooden planks from our yard. Evidently he took a fence.
Hear that wild urban legend about giant reptiles lurking in the sewers? Now that’s a croc of shit!
I just figured out that Santa’s favorite letter has to be “E”. According to him, you’re either not E or you’re nice.
To be classified as a mammal, an organism must have hair and must be able to give milk. So... that makes a coconut a mammal, right?
My Grandpa gave me some sage advice before he died: “Keep both hands on the ladder, moron!”[/FONT]
* * *
Judge: “You are accused of tracking down hundreds of innocent civilians so the Nazis could send them to concentration camps. How do you plead?”
German Shepherd: “Not guilty, your honor. I was just following odors.”
* * *
If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I’d have zero dollars. Of course, if socialism ever did actually work, I’d still have zero dollars.
* * *
“Son, I want you to promise me you won’t follow in my footsteps.”
“Why not, Dad?”
“I just stepped in something really nasty.”
* * *
This year, I’ve had myself gift-wrapped and left under my girlfriend’s Christmas tree. You might say I’m learning to live in the present.
* * *
That dog must be used for carting loads. You can tell because his tail’s a wagon.
* * *
I was tubing down the Amazon River when my ass got chewed away by piranhas. I never realized they were bottom feeders!
* * *
The difference between a Jewish and an Irish wedding? At Jewish weddings, they break a glass; at Irish weddings, they break everything!
* * *
As a fledgling terrorist, it was my first assignment to blow up a school bus. Didn’t work out... I burned my mouth on the tailpipe.
* * *
Ever notice that most blond girls have bruised bellybuttons? It’s because their blond boyfriends are stupid too.
* * *
I just saw an ad for Suicide Hotline on the back of a bus. If they really serious about accomplishing something, you’d think they’d put it up front.
* * *
How can you tell the difference between St. George and Rudolph?
St. George is slaying a dragon; Rudolph is draggin’ a sleigh.
* * *
While out hunting, I accidentally shot my atheist friend in the chest. He’s a holey man now.
* * *
Library patron: “Uh... where might I find the books on paranoia?”
Librarian: “They’re right behind you.”
* * *
The difference between dogs and cats: the dog walks up at you and declares “You’re God!”; a cat walks up at you and introduces himself as “Your god”.
* * *
I always stir my coffee with my left hand. Most folks look askance at that... they all prefer to use spoons.
* * *
Pet shopper: “I need me a dog.”
Pet shop owner: “Yes sir. We have several different breeds and they all have unique personalities. What temperament are you looking for?”
Shopper: “Whazat you wanna know?”
Owner: “Demeanor.”
Shopper: “Oh. I want him for a guard dog, so I guess da meaner, da better.”
* * *
I was at work when my neighbor called to complain: my wife had just accused him of stealing wooden planks from our yard. Evidently he took a fence.
* * *
Hear that wild urban legend about giant reptiles lurking in the sewers? Now that’s a croc of shit!
* * *
I just figured out that Santa’s favorite letter has to be “E”. According to him, you’re either not E or you’re nice.
* * *
To be classified as a mammal, an organism must have hair and must be able to give milk. So... that makes a coconut a mammal, right?
* * *
My Grandpa gave me some sage advice before he died: “Keep both hands on the ladder, moron!”[/FONT]
