Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I just recently learned that the xylophone is considered a percussion instrument. Technically, a percussion instrument is anything you can get music out of by beating on it: like drums... tambourines... celestas... maracas... Tina Turner...
According to the ads, Red Bull gives you wings. Loads of caffeine can do that, all right... that, and a harp.
More and more skunks are being born without their defensive scent glands; as a result, they're falling prey to predators that used to avoid them. The species is rapidly becoming ex-stinked.
Last year I started an institution for gifted children; so far, nobody's given me a single one.
The bovine version of ding-dong-ditch involves one of them sneaking up behind you, yelling "Moo!" real loud, then trotting off to hide behind a tree. This may seem alarming, but don't be scared; you're in no particular danger. You've just been assaulted by a cow word.
Happy memories from my high school years: I graduated top of my class, I was voted prom king, I hooked up with the hottest babe in my grade level.
Less happy memories from my high school years: I was homeschooled with my twin sister.
Sam Bankman has been charged with fraud. Sam Bankman will have his trial and be found guilty. Sam Bankman will be given a death sentence. Soon he'll be Sam Bankman-Fried.
My grandad is 90% Swiss, while my grandma is 80% Irish. Her friends call her Iris.
It's difficult to tell which people are listed as organ donors until they die. After that, check to see how much medical attention they get... it's a dead giveaway.
I go to all the trouble and expense of filling up my inflatable girlfriend with expensive helium... now she's playing hard-to-get!
The difference between your brain and your body: your brain is supposed to be wrinkly.
A genie promised to grant me one wish. Well, I'm not especially greedy, so I told him, "I just want to be happy!" Next thing you know, I'm doing hard labor in a mine with six midgets!
I don't like to sound conceited, but the ladies describe me as something of a looker. Technically, the term is actually voyeur.
Brunette: "Do you know the state you were born in?"
Blonde: "Far as I can recall, I was naked and whining."
My friends have advised me to tell more "Dad" jokes, but I don't have many in my repertoire. Guess I'll have to consult a daddabase.
Man hired to do things the husband refuses to do: handyman.
Woman hired to do things the wife refuses to do: prostitute.
To me, "steal" is ugly, biased terminology. I prefer, "buy none, get one free."
CHP Officer: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to site you for reckless driving."
Driver: "That's asinine! I've had three wrecks just this evening!"
Barbie looks spectacular for being 63! Then again, I'm sure she's had plastic surgery.
Q: How many politicians will it take to solve world hunger?
A: Hard to say. It depends on how thin you slice them.
There was a terrible crash out on Highway 80... an 18 wheeler with a load of Sudafed collided with a tanker trunk hauling Nyquil. You'd think this would back up traffic, but no... the road was congestion free for the next 8 hours.
He: "Honey, I hate to complain, but your mother's been with us for five years now! Isn't it past time she found a place of her own?"
She: "My mother? I thought she was your mother!"
* * *
According to the ads, Red Bull gives you wings. Loads of caffeine can do that, all right... that, and a harp.
* * *
More and more skunks are being born without their defensive scent glands; as a result, they're falling prey to predators that used to avoid them. The species is rapidly becoming ex-stinked.
* * *
Last year I started an institution for gifted children; so far, nobody's given me a single one.
* * *
The bovine version of ding-dong-ditch involves one of them sneaking up behind you, yelling "Moo!" real loud, then trotting off to hide behind a tree. This may seem alarming, but don't be scared; you're in no particular danger. You've just been assaulted by a cow word.
* * *
Happy memories from my high school years: I graduated top of my class, I was voted prom king, I hooked up with the hottest babe in my grade level.
Less happy memories from my high school years: I was homeschooled with my twin sister.
* * *
Sam Bankman has been charged with fraud. Sam Bankman will have his trial and be found guilty. Sam Bankman will be given a death sentence. Soon he'll be Sam Bankman-Fried.
* * *
My grandad is 90% Swiss, while my grandma is 80% Irish. Her friends call her Iris.
* * *
It's difficult to tell which people are listed as organ donors until they die. After that, check to see how much medical attention they get... it's a dead giveaway.
* * *
I go to all the trouble and expense of filling up my inflatable girlfriend with expensive helium... now she's playing hard-to-get!
* * *
The difference between your brain and your body: your brain is supposed to be wrinkly.
* * *
A genie promised to grant me one wish. Well, I'm not especially greedy, so I told him, "I just want to be happy!" Next thing you know, I'm doing hard labor in a mine with six midgets!
* * *
I don't like to sound conceited, but the ladies describe me as something of a looker. Technically, the term is actually voyeur.
* * *
Brunette: "Do you know the state you were born in?"
Blonde: "Far as I can recall, I was naked and whining."
* * *
My friends have advised me to tell more "Dad" jokes, but I don't have many in my repertoire. Guess I'll have to consult a daddabase.
* * *
Man hired to do things the husband refuses to do: handyman.
Woman hired to do things the wife refuses to do: prostitute.
* * *
To me, "steal" is ugly, biased terminology. I prefer, "buy none, get one free."
* * *
CHP Officer: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to site you for reckless driving."
Driver: "That's asinine! I've had three wrecks just this evening!"
* * *
Barbie looks spectacular for being 63! Then again, I'm sure she's had plastic surgery.
* * *
Q: How many politicians will it take to solve world hunger?
A: Hard to say. It depends on how thin you slice them.
* * *
There was a terrible crash out on Highway 80... an 18 wheeler with a load of Sudafed collided with a tanker trunk hauling Nyquil. You'd think this would back up traffic, but no... the road was congestion free for the next 8 hours.
* * *
He: "Honey, I hate to complain, but your mother's been with us for five years now! Isn't it past time she found a place of her own?"
She: "My mother? I thought she was your mother!"
