Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My date asked me if I was into steampunk. I told her I'd never eaten any before but if I ever did, steaming would probably be the healthiest way to prepare it.
Today I saw a billboard in front of the concert hall reading "Bach's Organ Works". Not a surprise to me; the guy had at least 20 kids.
Princess Jasmine declared that a race would be held for her hand in marriage, but Aladdin wasn't allowed to participate. Seems he had used performance enhancing rugs.
I carve headstones for a living and on my latest job I completely misspelled the name of the deceased. My boss will be apoplectic; it was a grave mistake.
Q: How does an introvert ask for money?
A: "Can you please leave me a loan?"
I took my boy fishing yesterday and he caught a real whopper! That's not the technical name, of course; the aquarium worker called it an endangered sea turtle.
Hear about the construction firm commissioned to build a lighthouse? It didn't go so well... balsa wood doesn't hold up in stiff winds.
I asked a porno filmmaker what I needed to star in one of his pictures. He laughed and told me it should be hard, a foot long and have cum in it. Guess that makes sense... cucumbers give you plenty of energy.
Burnette: "Looks like my snowman's finally gone."
Blonde: "Of course it is! You should have known better than to build it out of water!"
Santa threw a surprise birthday supper for one of his most important reindeer, but no one showed up. None of them wanted to dine at the Donner party.
Harry Potter was considered well groomed until he had to strip for gym class. Now everyone's calling him Hairy Pitter.
The way I hear it, Santa has a morbid fear of becoming stuck in one of those chimneys. Poor guy... I hope I never get Claustrophobia.
She: "I never want to see you again!"
He: "But what about our love?"
She: "You can go and fuck your love!"
He: "Sounds great! Take off your clothes!
Q: What kind of flour is used in orphanages?
A: Self-raising.
Did you know that pirates sang the first Christmas carols? It's where we get the term Shanty Claus.
I recently attended a gender reveal party. Kind of a bust... no one told me it was customary to wear pants.
No wisdom sticks to a dunce. That's because he has a silly cone covering.
Stay out of the dog park at night. It's full of shady crap.
Thieves broke into Walmart and cleaned out the clock department. Almost got caught, too; they took way too much time.
There are rumors floating around that our company wants to put chips in all employees. My coworkers are outraged, but I think it's a great idea! Can't decide if I want barbecue or cool ranch!
Know what I used to call my old school chum? A phone, same as I do now.
Son: "Dad, what music did you like when you were my age?"
Dad: "Well boy, I listened to a lot of Led Zeppelin?"
Son: "Who?"
Dad: "Yeah, they were great too."
* * *
Today I saw a billboard in front of the concert hall reading "Bach's Organ Works". Not a surprise to me; the guy had at least 20 kids.
* * *
Princess Jasmine declared that a race would be held for her hand in marriage, but Aladdin wasn't allowed to participate. Seems he had used performance enhancing rugs.
* * *
I carve headstones for a living and on my latest job I completely misspelled the name of the deceased. My boss will be apoplectic; it was a grave mistake.
* * *
Q: How does an introvert ask for money?
A: "Can you please leave me a loan?"
* * *
I took my boy fishing yesterday and he caught a real whopper! That's not the technical name, of course; the aquarium worker called it an endangered sea turtle.
* * *
Hear about the construction firm commissioned to build a lighthouse? It didn't go so well... balsa wood doesn't hold up in stiff winds.
* * *
I asked a porno filmmaker what I needed to star in one of his pictures. He laughed and told me it should be hard, a foot long and have cum in it. Guess that makes sense... cucumbers give you plenty of energy.
* * *
Burnette: "Looks like my snowman's finally gone."
Blonde: "Of course it is! You should have known better than to build it out of water!"
* * *
Santa threw a surprise birthday supper for one of his most important reindeer, but no one showed up. None of them wanted to dine at the Donner party.
* * *
Harry Potter was considered well groomed until he had to strip for gym class. Now everyone's calling him Hairy Pitter.
* * *
The way I hear it, Santa has a morbid fear of becoming stuck in one of those chimneys. Poor guy... I hope I never get Claustrophobia.
* * *
She: "I never want to see you again!"
He: "But what about our love?"
She: "You can go and fuck your love!"
He: "Sounds great! Take off your clothes!
* * *
Q: What kind of flour is used in orphanages?
A: Self-raising.
* * *
Did you know that pirates sang the first Christmas carols? It's where we get the term Shanty Claus.
* * *
I recently attended a gender reveal party. Kind of a bust... no one told me it was customary to wear pants.
* * *
No wisdom sticks to a dunce. That's because he has a silly cone covering.
* * *
Stay out of the dog park at night. It's full of shady crap.
* * *
Thieves broke into Walmart and cleaned out the clock department. Almost got caught, too; they took way too much time.
* * *
There are rumors floating around that our company wants to put chips in all employees. My coworkers are outraged, but I think it's a great idea! Can't decide if I want barbecue or cool ranch!
* * *
Know what I used to call my old school chum? A phone, same as I do now.
* * *
Son: "Dad, what music did you like when you were my age?"
Dad: "Well boy, I listened to a lot of Led Zeppelin?"
Son: "Who?"
Dad: "Yeah, they were great too."
