Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I've never forgotten the first time I met my wife. Maybe hypno-therapy will help.
The man who invented the television was initially terribly disappointed. After all that work, there wasn't anything on the air worth watching.
My sister is annoyed because her birthday is so close to Christmas that people tend to be shopped out and her gift count gets compromised. Makes me appreciate just how pissed off Jesus must have been.
"My brother's a coin collector and he told me something interesting. Did you know that 1968 pennies can be worth almost $20.00?"
"Doesn't surprise me at all. Add 32 more, and they'd be worth exactly $20.00."
In school, they used to tell ya that "going number one" meant taking a pee. Well I'm here ta tell ya that it don't mean shit!
"Panda" is the one of the easiest animal names to spell. You just use P and A.
However much you may enjoy this year's Christmas gifts, just remember that Santa's will always be better. Being the spirit of the season, he has to be might careful how he presents himself.
I thought my blond fiance would be angry when I told her that I just wasn't a kid person, but she wasn't upset at all. She said that she always planned to marry a grown-up.
Ever seen the Oxygen/Magnesium reaction? OMG!
Captain Kirk recommended the the man to replace him as captain of the Enterprise, but then died because of him. He was hoist with his own Picard.
I don't know what to make of my new French hairstyle. My barber recommended it; he said it would give me an air of je ne sais coiffe.
Two Jehovah's Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
"Greetings!" states St. Peter as he opens the Pearly Gates.
"Hello!" the first of the newcomers pipes up jovially: "Have you heard the good news?"
I was so embarrassed to be playing with toy train sets that I took great pains to conceal them carefully when they're not in use. Unfortunately, I hid them so well that I can't find them myself now... I was way too good at covering my tracks.
You've heard about Dr. Pepper, of course. He's the nation's leading fizzician.
All my blood tests came back positive. I'm so relieved: the doctors finally found out I still have blood!
Next year, we're going to have twelve months of bad puns about perfect vision. I can see it so clearly...
I just lost my job as zookeeper. In my defense, every sign I saw at work read "Please don't feed the animals".
Hear about the dyslexic video game character who was so near to death that he swallowed a whole vial of red elixir? It was his final option.
I feel like such and idiot! For 6 months, Dwayne Johnson had the apartment right above mine and I never knew it! I feel like I've been living under a rock!
Man with cataracts: "Magic 8 Ball, I have to know! Will my vision ever get any better?"
Orange: "........."
My dad's brother is the least hip member of our family. All us kids call him uncool.
Donald Trump: "The Democrats keeps identifying me as the color orange. Well, that may have been true once... but after this week, I'm peach."
* * *
The man who invented the television was initially terribly disappointed. After all that work, there wasn't anything on the air worth watching.
* * *
My sister is annoyed because her birthday is so close to Christmas that people tend to be shopped out and her gift count gets compromised. Makes me appreciate just how pissed off Jesus must have been.
* * *
"My brother's a coin collector and he told me something interesting. Did you know that 1968 pennies can be worth almost $20.00?"
"Doesn't surprise me at all. Add 32 more, and they'd be worth exactly $20.00."
* * *
In school, they used to tell ya that "going number one" meant taking a pee. Well I'm here ta tell ya that it don't mean shit!
* * *
"Panda" is the one of the easiest animal names to spell. You just use P and A.
* * *
However much you may enjoy this year's Christmas gifts, just remember that Santa's will always be better. Being the spirit of the season, he has to be might careful how he presents himself.
* * *
I thought my blond fiance would be angry when I told her that I just wasn't a kid person, but she wasn't upset at all. She said that she always planned to marry a grown-up.
* * *
Ever seen the Oxygen/Magnesium reaction? OMG!
* * *
Captain Kirk recommended the the man to replace him as captain of the Enterprise, but then died because of him. He was hoist with his own Picard.
* * *
I don't know what to make of my new French hairstyle. My barber recommended it; he said it would give me an air of je ne sais coiffe.
* * *
Two Jehovah's Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
"Greetings!" states St. Peter as he opens the Pearly Gates.
"Hello!" the first of the newcomers pipes up jovially: "Have you heard the good news?"
* * *
I was so embarrassed to be playing with toy train sets that I took great pains to conceal them carefully when they're not in use. Unfortunately, I hid them so well that I can't find them myself now... I was way too good at covering my tracks.
* * *
You've heard about Dr. Pepper, of course. He's the nation's leading fizzician.
* * *
All my blood tests came back positive. I'm so relieved: the doctors finally found out I still have blood!
* * *
Next year, we're going to have twelve months of bad puns about perfect vision. I can see it so clearly...
* * *
I just lost my job as zookeeper. In my defense, every sign I saw at work read "Please don't feed the animals".
* * *
Hear about the dyslexic video game character who was so near to death that he swallowed a whole vial of red elixir? It was his final option.
* * *
I feel like such and idiot! For 6 months, Dwayne Johnson had the apartment right above mine and I never knew it! I feel like I've been living under a rock!
* * *
Man with cataracts: "Magic 8 Ball, I have to know! Will my vision ever get any better?"
Orange: "........."
* * *
My dad's brother is the least hip member of our family. All us kids call him uncool.
* * *
Donald Trump: "The Democrats keeps identifying me as the color orange. Well, that may have been true once... but after this week, I'm peach."
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