Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Henry Heimlich, the doctor who developed the Heimlich maneuver, passed away recently. It's sad, all right, but this is the wrong time to get all choked up.
I'll never forget the day Mom and Dad told me there was no Santa. It upset me so much I headed straight to the bar for a good stiff drink.
Squinting really hard can give you a nosebleed. Especially if you do it in Chinatown.
My dog thought he could fit through the cat door, but didn't quite make it. He's a little husky.
"How do you view same-sex relationships?"
"Through a keyhole, like any other voyeur."
A young lad skips down the street with a huge candy bar. A passerby sees this and lectures, "You know, it's terribly unhealthy to eat that much chocolate."
The boy stares back and says, "Yeah? Well my granddad lived to be 107 years old!"
The man starts.
"He lived to be 107 by eating chocolate?!"
"No. By minding his own business."
I believe it's morally improper to strike a child as punishment. Nowadays I do it only for laughs.
The creation of the shovel was groundbreaking, but it was the broom that really swept the nation.
A lot of people shoot off their mouths; me, I shoot off my foot. This time of year, no one can resist missile-toe!
What's warm and gray?
A melted penguin.
It isn't size that matters, it's technique. My penis may measure only an inch and a half, but the way I use it makes it seem twice as big!
Jesus claimed poverty as a virtue... about what you'd expect from a guy with holes in his hands.
I'm keen to visit LA, but not sure how to get there. So my brother, he says, "Hey, dummy! All you have to do is follow the freeway signs!"
Well, he's the damn dummy! I watched one a' those things for half an hour and it didn't go anywhere!
One wall, to another: "Let's meet at the corner."
When things are at their blackest, I recall the words of Joan d'Arc:
"Holy crap, I'm on fire!"
It's imperative to slow down at school zones. You can't aim properly if you're driving too fast.
I married a beautiful woman... a smart one, too! I only pray they never meet.
In reality, Helen Keller was quite a chatterbox. She'd talk and talk till she was blue in the fingers.
My wife came home all whiny about something and insisted I console her. So I did... whacked her over the head with my Xbox.
Stores are now selling tampons with tinsel attached. But only during the Christmas period.
The ocean eel is considered most romantic of all the world's animals. Not surprising, really... it's a moray.
A husband bought his wife a huge diamond ring for her birthday.
"It's a beaut!" gushed his next-door neighbor. "But I thought she wanted a luxury car."
"She did," the husband replied. "But where was I gonna find a fake Mercedes?"
* * *
I'll never forget the day Mom and Dad told me there was no Santa. It upset me so much I headed straight to the bar for a good stiff drink.
* * *
Squinting really hard can give you a nosebleed. Especially if you do it in Chinatown.
* * *
My dog thought he could fit through the cat door, but didn't quite make it. He's a little husky.
* * *
"How do you view same-sex relationships?"
"Through a keyhole, like any other voyeur."
* * *
A young lad skips down the street with a huge candy bar. A passerby sees this and lectures, "You know, it's terribly unhealthy to eat that much chocolate."
The boy stares back and says, "Yeah? Well my granddad lived to be 107 years old!"
The man starts.
"He lived to be 107 by eating chocolate?!"
"No. By minding his own business."
* * *
I believe it's morally improper to strike a child as punishment. Nowadays I do it only for laughs.
* * *
The creation of the shovel was groundbreaking, but it was the broom that really swept the nation.
* * *
A lot of people shoot off their mouths; me, I shoot off my foot. This time of year, no one can resist missile-toe!
* * *
What's warm and gray?
A melted penguin.
* * *
It isn't size that matters, it's technique. My penis may measure only an inch and a half, but the way I use it makes it seem twice as big!
* * *
Jesus claimed poverty as a virtue... about what you'd expect from a guy with holes in his hands.
* * *
I'm keen to visit LA, but not sure how to get there. So my brother, he says, "Hey, dummy! All you have to do is follow the freeway signs!"
Well, he's the damn dummy! I watched one a' those things for half an hour and it didn't go anywhere!
* * *
One wall, to another: "Let's meet at the corner."
* * *
When things are at their blackest, I recall the words of Joan d'Arc:
"Holy crap, I'm on fire!"
* * *
It's imperative to slow down at school zones. You can't aim properly if you're driving too fast.
* * *
I married a beautiful woman... a smart one, too! I only pray they never meet.
* * *
In reality, Helen Keller was quite a chatterbox. She'd talk and talk till she was blue in the fingers.
* * *
My wife came home all whiny about something and insisted I console her. So I did... whacked her over the head with my Xbox.
* * *
Stores are now selling tampons with tinsel attached. But only during the Christmas period.
* * *
The ocean eel is considered most romantic of all the world's animals. Not surprising, really... it's a moray.
* * *
A husband bought his wife a huge diamond ring for her birthday.
"It's a beaut!" gushed his next-door neighbor. "But I thought she wanted a luxury car."
"She did," the husband replied. "But where was I gonna find a fake Mercedes?"
