Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Joseph soon found out he wasn't the real father of Jesus. He had a very Maury Christmas!
Worker: "When I took this job, you told me there'd be a 15% increase in salary! How soon does my raise become effective?"
Boss: "As soon as you do!"
My dad says I need to get a job. He says I should move out of his house and work hard so that when I'm 65 I can relax and live a life of leisure. Hell, I'm already living a life of leisure! Is it my fault I'm more efficient than he is?
Q: How many paranoid schizophrenics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who the hell keeps asking that and why do they want to know so bad?!
I've read some research that suggests that masturbation can help you get over a cold. That's both good and bad news... I've been running real low on tissues.
Q: What did Chuck Norris do when both his main parachute and his reserve parachute failed to open?
A: Walk into the store the next day to demand a refund.
I've decided to start wearing my hair emo style. That way, it'll cut itself.
Robocop, to Schrodinger's cat: "Dead and alive, you're coming with me."
My wife and I can never agree on the best time to have sex. I want to have it when I get home from work; she wants to have it before I get home from work.
"I noticed you have two dogs in your backyard. I didn't know you owned any dogs."
"They aren't my dogs. They're my sister's."
"Oh, I'm so terribly sorry! What I meant to say was, they're both lovely young ladies!"
Come to the church on Sunday and you'll see me in the pew, praying. Come to the casino on Saturday, and you'll see me at the craps table, praying. Only difference is I'll be dead serious.
She: "I wish you wouldn't urinate with the door open."
He: "Hey, I've been doing that since you first met me!"
She: "Yeah, but not while I'm driving!"
If the outhouse ever catches fire, stay away from it! You don't want turd degree burns!
I used to suffer through frigid winters until I bought a snow blower. It was so easy to use... I just loaded it into the back of my truck, headed south until I run across a town where someone asked, "What the hell is that thing?" and that's where I settled down!
My wife picked up a carton of synthetic egg substitutes with plastic yolks. They may sound disgusting, but you really can't beat 'em!
Judas: "Jesus, what will you be serving at the Last Supper?"
Jesus: "The last what now?"
I was ambling around the internet when I ran across a really weird site: an Amish sex shop. The most popular item they had for sale was a set of inflatable *****s and buggy.
Q: What's the one STD that you can contract through your nose?
A: Snyphilis.
My grandkids say I can't keep facts straight anymore! If they keep teasing me, they won't find any eggs hidden underneath the tree this Christmas!
I hear that Chuck Norris is going to have a part in the next Star Wars mini series. He'll appear as Imperial Walker, Texas Ranger.
Sylvester Stallone has just marketed a new brand of salami. You should try it! It's the best thing since Sly's bread!
This Christmas, just like every Christmas, my wife and I go on countless wild goose chases. Result: we never catch one, so it's ham yet again. Happy Holidays!
* * *
Worker: "When I took this job, you told me there'd be a 15% increase in salary! How soon does my raise become effective?"
Boss: "As soon as you do!"
* * *
My dad says I need to get a job. He says I should move out of his house and work hard so that when I'm 65 I can relax and live a life of leisure. Hell, I'm already living a life of leisure! Is it my fault I'm more efficient than he is?
* * *
Q: How many paranoid schizophrenics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who the hell keeps asking that and why do they want to know so bad?!
* * *
I've read some research that suggests that masturbation can help you get over a cold. That's both good and bad news... I've been running real low on tissues.
* * *
Q: What did Chuck Norris do when both his main parachute and his reserve parachute failed to open?
A: Walk into the store the next day to demand a refund.
* * *
I've decided to start wearing my hair emo style. That way, it'll cut itself.
* * *
Robocop, to Schrodinger's cat: "Dead and alive, you're coming with me."
* * *
My wife and I can never agree on the best time to have sex. I want to have it when I get home from work; she wants to have it before I get home from work.
* * *
"I noticed you have two dogs in your backyard. I didn't know you owned any dogs."
"They aren't my dogs. They're my sister's."
"Oh, I'm so terribly sorry! What I meant to say was, they're both lovely young ladies!"
* * *
Come to the church on Sunday and you'll see me in the pew, praying. Come to the casino on Saturday, and you'll see me at the craps table, praying. Only difference is I'll be dead serious.
* * *
She: "I wish you wouldn't urinate with the door open."
He: "Hey, I've been doing that since you first met me!"
She: "Yeah, but not while I'm driving!"
* * *
If the outhouse ever catches fire, stay away from it! You don't want turd degree burns!
* * *
I used to suffer through frigid winters until I bought a snow blower. It was so easy to use... I just loaded it into the back of my truck, headed south until I run across a town where someone asked, "What the hell is that thing?" and that's where I settled down!
* * *
My wife picked up a carton of synthetic egg substitutes with plastic yolks. They may sound disgusting, but you really can't beat 'em!
* * *
Judas: "Jesus, what will you be serving at the Last Supper?"
Jesus: "The last what now?"
* * *
I was ambling around the internet when I ran across a really weird site: an Amish sex shop. The most popular item they had for sale was a set of inflatable *****s and buggy.
* * *
Q: What's the one STD that you can contract through your nose?
A: Snyphilis.
* * *
My grandkids say I can't keep facts straight anymore! If they keep teasing me, they won't find any eggs hidden underneath the tree this Christmas!
* * *
I hear that Chuck Norris is going to have a part in the next Star Wars mini series. He'll appear as Imperial Walker, Texas Ranger.
* * *
Sylvester Stallone has just marketed a new brand of salami. You should try it! It's the best thing since Sly's bread!
* * *
This Christmas, just like every Christmas, my wife and I go on countless wild goose chases. Result: we never catch one, so it's ham yet again. Happy Holidays!
