Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I got into trouble just for doing my Christmas shopping early. I did it so early, the shop was even open yet.
It’s claimed that fidget spinners cure anxiety, but no concrete evidence can be found about how that works. I suppose it’s a top secret.
Why does Batman dress in dark clothing?
Because he doesn’t want to be a target.
Why does Robin dress in bright clothing?
Because Batman doesn’t want to be a target.
My girlfriend accuses me of cheating, but that’s not true at all. I only practice with other girls so I can be the best boyfriend possible.
Accidents are the leading cause of death in the United States. Don’t try to prevent them, though... they’re also the leading cause of birth.
Hear about the man who was in a terrible car crash and lost his sight, his hearing and his ability to touch anything? Doctors say he can still lead a fulfilling life, but I think it’s nonsense.
How do gynecologists prefer their eggs?
Ovariesy.
My pet pig got me up at three in the morning just to show off his tail. It was twirly.
Wise men: “C’mon down to Bethlehem, folks! We’ve got gold! We’ve got frankincense! But wait! There’s myrrh!”
Don’t be an alcoholic! Alcoholics have a problem and have to go to AA meetings! Be a drunk, like me! We go to parties!
Ever see “Beauty and the Beast”? All the beasts household accouterments had arms and legs and could move freely from room to room... all of them except the wash basin. Let that sink in.
She: “I’m never going to forgive you! You slept with my sister!”
He: “Hey, I’m only human! You know how attractive she is! There she was... lying there so naked and inviting. What did you expect me to do?”
She: “Your job, you asshole! You’re a mortician!”
My wife wanted a comb for Christmas, but didn’t get one. She was on Santa’s knotty list.
On the way back north from delivering presents, Santa’s sleigh broke down over the Sierra Nevada mountains and the whole team had to stay there overnight. Everything went smoothly, although they did take the precaution of muzzling Donner.
Mirror: “Break me and you’ll have 7 years of bad luck.”
Condom: “Pal, I think I got you beat.”
My uncle’s a wounded war vet. For Christmas, we got him a brand new prosthetic leg. It was the perfect stocking stuffer.
An honest lawyer, a hard-working politician and Santa Claus are in a race. Which one wins.
Santa. Everyone knows that first two are only imaginary.
My boss gives me nothing but crap. One of these days I’m gonna stand up for myself and start demanding money.
My boss also calls me a tool. I got his wife hammered and nailed her, so I guess he’s right.
Super-villains are after black Spider-Man Miles Morales. I understand they’re searching for him on the dark web.
Some guy was trying to bust into our house last Tuesday. He was dressed real flashy, called us all hoes and had a bag to cart off our belongings. Thankfully, I shot him before he could get to us.
Doctor: “Wake up, son. The surgery is over and I have some good and bad news for you.”
Patient: “Good and bad news?! You cut off my gangrenous leg, right?”
Doctor: “Well... no, I’m afraid we got the wrong one.”
Patient: “Oh my god! What could the good news possibly be?”
Doctor: “Your bad leg’s looks a lot better now.”[/FONT]
* * *
It’s claimed that fidget spinners cure anxiety, but no concrete evidence can be found about how that works. I suppose it’s a top secret.
* * *
Why does Batman dress in dark clothing?
Because he doesn’t want to be a target.
Why does Robin dress in bright clothing?
Because Batman doesn’t want to be a target.
* * *
My girlfriend accuses me of cheating, but that’s not true at all. I only practice with other girls so I can be the best boyfriend possible.
* * *
Accidents are the leading cause of death in the United States. Don’t try to prevent them, though... they’re also the leading cause of birth.
* * *
Hear about the man who was in a terrible car crash and lost his sight, his hearing and his ability to touch anything? Doctors say he can still lead a fulfilling life, but I think it’s nonsense.
* * *
How do gynecologists prefer their eggs?
Ovariesy.
* * *
My pet pig got me up at three in the morning just to show off his tail. It was twirly.
* * *
Wise men: “C’mon down to Bethlehem, folks! We’ve got gold! We’ve got frankincense! But wait! There’s myrrh!”
* * *
Don’t be an alcoholic! Alcoholics have a problem and have to go to AA meetings! Be a drunk, like me! We go to parties!
* * *
Ever see “Beauty and the Beast”? All the beasts household accouterments had arms and legs and could move freely from room to room... all of them except the wash basin. Let that sink in.
* * *
She: “I’m never going to forgive you! You slept with my sister!”
He: “Hey, I’m only human! You know how attractive she is! There she was... lying there so naked and inviting. What did you expect me to do?”
She: “Your job, you asshole! You’re a mortician!”
* * *
My wife wanted a comb for Christmas, but didn’t get one. She was on Santa’s knotty list.
* * *
On the way back north from delivering presents, Santa’s sleigh broke down over the Sierra Nevada mountains and the whole team had to stay there overnight. Everything went smoothly, although they did take the precaution of muzzling Donner.
* * *
Mirror: “Break me and you’ll have 7 years of bad luck.”
Condom: “Pal, I think I got you beat.”
* * *
My uncle’s a wounded war vet. For Christmas, we got him a brand new prosthetic leg. It was the perfect stocking stuffer.
* * *
An honest lawyer, a hard-working politician and Santa Claus are in a race. Which one wins.
Santa. Everyone knows that first two are only imaginary.
* * *
My boss gives me nothing but crap. One of these days I’m gonna stand up for myself and start demanding money.
* * *
My boss also calls me a tool. I got his wife hammered and nailed her, so I guess he’s right.
* * *
Super-villains are after black Spider-Man Miles Morales. I understand they’re searching for him on the dark web.
* * *
Some guy was trying to bust into our house last Tuesday. He was dressed real flashy, called us all hoes and had a bag to cart off our belongings. Thankfully, I shot him before he could get to us.
* * *
Doctor: “Wake up, son. The surgery is over and I have some good and bad news for you.”
Patient: “Good and bad news?! You cut off my gangrenous leg, right?”
Doctor: “Well... no, I’m afraid we got the wrong one.”
Patient: “Oh my god! What could the good news possibly be?”
Doctor: “Your bad leg’s looks a lot better now.”[/FONT]
