Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=”Comic Sans MS”]My little nephew thinks I’m a magician now. All I did was tell him is that I eat ham and pea soup.
Love may indeed be blind. Marriage, however, can be a real eye-opener.
Dear Fork,
I know we haven’t spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I’m writing now to tell you you’re a father. You have a little son and his name is Spork. I know he’s yours; he has your hair.
Start sending checks, please,
Spoon.
I attended a necrophiliac orgy at the morgue last night... cracked open a few cold ones with the boys.
The town pediatrician is a testy old soul. He has little patients.
I’ve never won a medal in sports, so I decided to enter a sun-tanning contest. That way, at worst I’m guaranteed to get a bronze.
This is a homeopathic joke. It’s been reduced to the point that there’s no actual humor left.
It’s just not worth it, bringing my wife to orgasm. The last thing I need from her is more moaning.
Where do Catholics hoard their supply of holy water?
In the God-dammed reservoir.
I had a quiz in remedial English today; was asked for the past tense of “think”. So, I thought about it... and thought about it... and thought about it... and finally came up with the right answer: “thunk”!
Harry Potter: “Why on earth did you fetch me a big pot? I told you I was looking for my best friend!”
Dobby: “Oh yes! And Harry also told Dobby he was cauldron!”
STDs are rampant in the Navy. That’s because the carrier is constantly abusing the sub.
He: “You wanna divorce, huh? Fine! Take the car! The house! The money in our joint bank account! I don’t want anything more than what I have in my pockets!”
She: “Ha! Done! I didn’t think you’d cave in this easy!”
He: “Ha! And you also didn’t think to check the winning lottery numbers last night!”
Psychiatrists tell me I’m claustrophobic. What nonsense! I had a great Christmas!
Norwegian admirals insist on painting bar codes on the sides of their warships. That’s so they can go Scandinavian.
The IRS is training garter snakes to sneak into buildings and spy for tax cheats... a whole new class of civil serpent.
Dinosaurs didn’t celebrate Christmas, and for an obvious reason. I mean, look what happened when Comet finally did come sailing through the sky!
It’s humiliating to admit, but I traffic in human flesh. No choice, really... gotta get my fat ass to work somehow.
“Merry Christmas, sonny! Here’s your gift!”
“What gives, old man? I told you I didn’t no damn toys this year, just cold, hard cash!”
“That’s why I think you’re really gonna love this!”
“Hey! It’s just an old mayo jar full’a pennies!”
“Yeah, but I’ve had ‘em in the freezer!”
Won’t be long before we have robot prostitutes! They just need to work in the kinks.
I’ve placed buckets outside to catch all the dimes and quarters that’ll be raining from the sky! Been super excited ever since I heard about the coming climate change!
It may surprise you to learn that the most popular sex position in the US is Doggie Style. Yep... he sits up and begs; she rolls over and plays dead.[/FONT]
* * *
Love may indeed be blind. Marriage, however, can be a real eye-opener.
* * *
Dear Fork,
I know we haven’t spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I’m writing now to tell you you’re a father. You have a little son and his name is Spork. I know he’s yours; he has your hair.
Start sending checks, please,
Spoon.
* * *
I attended a necrophiliac orgy at the morgue last night... cracked open a few cold ones with the boys.
* * *
The town pediatrician is a testy old soul. He has little patients.
* * *
I’ve never won a medal in sports, so I decided to enter a sun-tanning contest. That way, at worst I’m guaranteed to get a bronze.
* * *
This is a homeopathic joke. It’s been reduced to the point that there’s no actual humor left.
* * *
It’s just not worth it, bringing my wife to orgasm. The last thing I need from her is more moaning.
* * *
Where do Catholics hoard their supply of holy water?
In the God-dammed reservoir.
* * *
I had a quiz in remedial English today; was asked for the past tense of “think”. So, I thought about it... and thought about it... and thought about it... and finally came up with the right answer: “thunk”!
* * *
Harry Potter: “Why on earth did you fetch me a big pot? I told you I was looking for my best friend!”
Dobby: “Oh yes! And Harry also told Dobby he was cauldron!”
* * *
STDs are rampant in the Navy. That’s because the carrier is constantly abusing the sub.
* * *
He: “You wanna divorce, huh? Fine! Take the car! The house! The money in our joint bank account! I don’t want anything more than what I have in my pockets!”
She: “Ha! Done! I didn’t think you’d cave in this easy!”
He: “Ha! And you also didn’t think to check the winning lottery numbers last night!”
* * *
Psychiatrists tell me I’m claustrophobic. What nonsense! I had a great Christmas!
* * *
Norwegian admirals insist on painting bar codes on the sides of their warships. That’s so they can go Scandinavian.
* * *
The IRS is training garter snakes to sneak into buildings and spy for tax cheats... a whole new class of civil serpent.
* * *
Dinosaurs didn’t celebrate Christmas, and for an obvious reason. I mean, look what happened when Comet finally did come sailing through the sky!
* * *
It’s humiliating to admit, but I traffic in human flesh. No choice, really... gotta get my fat ass to work somehow.
* * *
“Merry Christmas, sonny! Here’s your gift!”
“What gives, old man? I told you I didn’t no damn toys this year, just cold, hard cash!”
“That’s why I think you’re really gonna love this!”
“Hey! It’s just an old mayo jar full’a pennies!”
“Yeah, but I’ve had ‘em in the freezer!”
* * *
Won’t be long before we have robot prostitutes! They just need to work in the kinks.
* * *
I’ve placed buckets outside to catch all the dimes and quarters that’ll be raining from the sky! Been super excited ever since I heard about the coming climate change!
* * *
It may surprise you to learn that the most popular sex position in the US is Doggie Style. Yep... he sits up and begs; she rolls over and plays dead.[/FONT]
