Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I went angling this morning, and caught myself a really stupid fish. What a dumb bass!
A small bird collides with a taxi cab and the driver hops out to examine its condition. Turns out the poor thing is just stunned, not badly damaged, so he takes it home and puts it in a bird cage to recover.
Half an hour later, the sparrow comes to. It rises groggily to its feet and stares at the bars.
"Oh Jesus!" it moans. "I must'a killed that cabbie!"
He chops down trees and wears corrective shoes: Paul Bunion.
Evidently there won't be just one winner in the Flashiest Article of Clothing competition. According to early reports, it's a tie.
A dragon waddles into a saloon. He notices a prostitute lounging at the bar and immediately gobbles her down.
Bartender: All right, you! Out! No junkies allowed!
Dragon: What you talkin' about? I ain't no junkie!
Bartender: Yeah? Then explain that bar bitch you ate!
I've never had Ethiopian food. Then again, neither have most Ethiopians.
Judge: Your trial is going to be postponed. You've committed so many murders, jurors are afraid to be impaneled.
Defendant: Sounds like I have a few more days to kill.
I've placed a picture of myself into a locket. No, it isn't for a lover... I've longed to be independent.
A Spanish-speaker will always have trouble doing three things at once... fear of over dos.
Jesus and his apostles enter a restaurant.
Jesus: Table for 26, please.
Waiter: 26? I count only 13 of you.
Jesus: Yeah, but it's our Last Supper. We all want to sit on the same side.
My wife had an embarrassing incident on the street when she told a passerby that her water broke. She never should have bought such a flimsy sports bottle.
Santa's team leader used to light the way, but his bulb finally burned out. He's now known as Rudolph the Dead-Nosed Reindeer.
My parents surprised me with a brand new car this Christmas!
I get out of the hospital next month.
Rumor has it that Princess Diana was listening to Pink Floyd in the limo: "The Wall", their last big hit.
I didn't really understand how lightning worked. Then it struck me.
Pessimist: I see only a dark tunnel.
Optimist: I see light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist: Uh... isn't that a train heading straight for us?
Samsung had to call their phone the Galaxy Note 7; the name "Kindle" was already taken.
I just learned the chemical formula for water: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O... or, to use scientific shorthand, H to O.
A couple relaxes in bed after a round of wild, frenzied sex.
She: You know... I used to be Christian.
He: Hey, I don't care. Whatever you are now, it's okay by me.
She: Good. 'Cause I really prefer being Christine.
Cheap wine comes in a box; cheap winos go out to same way.
I know a bankruptcy attorney who likes to play dominatrix on the weekends. She tends to mix business with pleasure; a lot of her clients are strapped for cash.
A horse enters a bar. The bartender asks him if he'd like a drink.
"I think not," states the horse, who vanishes in a puff of smoke.
Note: properly, the subject of this joke should be philosopher Rene Descartes, but I chose not to tell it that way. To do so would have placed Descartes before the horse.
* * *
A small bird collides with a taxi cab and the driver hops out to examine its condition. Turns out the poor thing is just stunned, not badly damaged, so he takes it home and puts it in a bird cage to recover.
Half an hour later, the sparrow comes to. It rises groggily to its feet and stares at the bars.
"Oh Jesus!" it moans. "I must'a killed that cabbie!"
* * *
He chops down trees and wears corrective shoes: Paul Bunion.
* * *
Evidently there won't be just one winner in the Flashiest Article of Clothing competition. According to early reports, it's a tie.
* * *
A dragon waddles into a saloon. He notices a prostitute lounging at the bar and immediately gobbles her down.
Bartender: All right, you! Out! No junkies allowed!
Dragon: What you talkin' about? I ain't no junkie!
Bartender: Yeah? Then explain that bar bitch you ate!
* * *
I've never had Ethiopian food. Then again, neither have most Ethiopians.
* * *
Judge: Your trial is going to be postponed. You've committed so many murders, jurors are afraid to be impaneled.
Defendant: Sounds like I have a few more days to kill.
* * *
I've placed a picture of myself into a locket. No, it isn't for a lover... I've longed to be independent.
* * *
A Spanish-speaker will always have trouble doing three things at once... fear of over dos.
* * *
Jesus and his apostles enter a restaurant.
Jesus: Table for 26, please.
Waiter: 26? I count only 13 of you.
Jesus: Yeah, but it's our Last Supper. We all want to sit on the same side.
* * *
My wife had an embarrassing incident on the street when she told a passerby that her water broke. She never should have bought such a flimsy sports bottle.
* * *
Santa's team leader used to light the way, but his bulb finally burned out. He's now known as Rudolph the Dead-Nosed Reindeer.
* * *
My parents surprised me with a brand new car this Christmas!
I get out of the hospital next month.
* * *
Rumor has it that Princess Diana was listening to Pink Floyd in the limo: "The Wall", their last big hit.
* * *
I didn't really understand how lightning worked. Then it struck me.
* * *
Pessimist: I see only a dark tunnel.
Optimist: I see light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist: Uh... isn't that a train heading straight for us?
* * *
Samsung had to call their phone the Galaxy Note 7; the name "Kindle" was already taken.
* * *
I just learned the chemical formula for water: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O... or, to use scientific shorthand, H to O.
* * *
A couple relaxes in bed after a round of wild, frenzied sex.
She: You know... I used to be Christian.
He: Hey, I don't care. Whatever you are now, it's okay by me.
She: Good. 'Cause I really prefer being Christine.
* * *
Cheap wine comes in a box; cheap winos go out to same way.
* * *
I know a bankruptcy attorney who likes to play dominatrix on the weekends. She tends to mix business with pleasure; a lot of her clients are strapped for cash.
* * *
A horse enters a bar. The bartender asks him if he'd like a drink.
"I think not," states the horse, who vanishes in a puff of smoke.
Note: properly, the subject of this joke should be philosopher Rene Descartes, but I chose not to tell it that way. To do so would have placed Descartes before the horse.
