Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I haven't even started looking, but I still have a date for New Year's Eve: December 31st, right?
Even though Long John Silver was missing his left leg, he spent till midnight standing at the tavern bar to ring in the New Year. He wanted to start 1752 on the right foot!
I was deeply moved when I heard the first words come from my son's lips: "Where the hell you been the past 15 years, asshole?"
After his trip to Golgotha, Jesus never went out with another woman. He was still hung up on his X.
When a baby's born, the medical staff refers to the event as a delivery. Seems strange to me... I would have called it take-out.
Hank Hill votes for Republicans; Bobby Hill votes for Democrats. That boy ain't right!
I've seen the film "Scarface", but didn't realize there's an uncut version. That one's just called, "Face".
Q: What's a sure-fire way of getting into the holiday spirit?
A: If the bottle opener won't work, try a corkscrew.
I had a pretty horrendous childhood. As a toddler, all I ever got from my folks for Christmas were mental blocks.
If you want to live a useful life, become a midwife. They're experts at helping people out.
My ex-wife burns most of the gifts I give her. She just can't get enough of those scented candles!
The best material for making Christmas sweaters: Fleece Navidad.
Last night I had a blind date. She, incidentally, had a date with Brad Pitt.
Drunk: "An' wha'd you ask Santa for this year, girlie?"
Prostitute: "30 bucks, same as everyone else."
As a youngster, I had terrible Christmases, all due to an unwavering belief is Santa Claus! Why oh why didn't someone tell my parents the truth?
Q: Where do most mathmeticians choose to celebrate New Years'?
A: Times Square.
My great grandma's 101 years old; this afternoon, she threatened to cut me out of the will if I didn't get in touch with her on her next birthday! Well, I wasn't about to risk that kind of money! I swore I'd go out immediately and buy a Ouija board!
Hear about the blonde who made a spectacle of herself, standing topless out in front of her house? The recycling center told her she had to haul her cans out to the curb.
Always buy products that haven't been tested on animals. Its far more fun to do that yourself!
A blonde went swimming in a polluted pond and contracted a brain-eating amoeba. Such a tragedy... the poor thing starved to death.
I've been stuck in Rome for the past year! I've tried to leave, but all their roads have a weird design flaw...
My New Year's resolution: make sure to read more. That's right... I'll be activating my TVs Closed Caption feature starting January 1st!
* * *
Even though Long John Silver was missing his left leg, he spent till midnight standing at the tavern bar to ring in the New Year. He wanted to start 1752 on the right foot!
* * *
I was deeply moved when I heard the first words come from my son's lips: "Where the hell you been the past 15 years, asshole?"
* * *
After his trip to Golgotha, Jesus never went out with another woman. He was still hung up on his X.
* * *
When a baby's born, the medical staff refers to the event as a delivery. Seems strange to me... I would have called it take-out.
* * *
Hank Hill votes for Republicans; Bobby Hill votes for Democrats. That boy ain't right!
* * *
I've seen the film "Scarface", but didn't realize there's an uncut version. That one's just called, "Face".
* * *
Q: What's a sure-fire way of getting into the holiday spirit?
A: If the bottle opener won't work, try a corkscrew.
* * *
I had a pretty horrendous childhood. As a toddler, all I ever got from my folks for Christmas were mental blocks.
* * *
If you want to live a useful life, become a midwife. They're experts at helping people out.
* * *
My ex-wife burns most of the gifts I give her. She just can't get enough of those scented candles!
* * *
The best material for making Christmas sweaters: Fleece Navidad.
* * *
Last night I had a blind date. She, incidentally, had a date with Brad Pitt.
* * *
Drunk: "An' wha'd you ask Santa for this year, girlie?"
Prostitute: "30 bucks, same as everyone else."
* * *
As a youngster, I had terrible Christmases, all due to an unwavering belief is Santa Claus! Why oh why didn't someone tell my parents the truth?
* * *
Q: Where do most mathmeticians choose to celebrate New Years'?
A: Times Square.
* * *
My great grandma's 101 years old; this afternoon, she threatened to cut me out of the will if I didn't get in touch with her on her next birthday! Well, I wasn't about to risk that kind of money! I swore I'd go out immediately and buy a Ouija board!
* * *
Hear about the blonde who made a spectacle of herself, standing topless out in front of her house? The recycling center told her she had to haul her cans out to the curb.
* * *
Always buy products that haven't been tested on animals. Its far more fun to do that yourself!
* * *
A blonde went swimming in a polluted pond and contracted a brain-eating amoeba. Such a tragedy... the poor thing starved to death.
* * *
I've been stuck in Rome for the past year! I've tried to leave, but all their roads have a weird design flaw...
* * *
My New Year's resolution: make sure to read more. That's right... I'll be activating my TVs Closed Caption feature starting January 1st!
