Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My girlfriend just ghosted me; her new earbuds were so loud, she never heard the truck coming.
She: "Hi there, fella. Looking for a good time?"
He: "No thanks, ma'am, I already got one. Minute and a half, 'cording to my wife."
I just happened to notice: when someone offers "a penny for your thoughts", you wind up giving them your "two cents". At that rate of inflation, it pays to keep your opinions to yourself.
Don't bother with the Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. All you ever get when you open one of those little doors is a voice asking, "Have you heard the good news?"
After dinner last night, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I gave it my best shot... another couple of feet and I would have made it!
He: "All A's on the report card again! No doubt about it... our boy may have gotten his looks from you, but he got all his smarts from me!"
She: "That's probably true. I still have mine."
Misfortune cookies:
"Do not piss into the wind; the wind will get angry and piss back."
"Never jump through a screen door; you'll only strain yourself."
"Do not kill bacteria; it's the only culture some people have."
"Give your wife grief all day, you will get no piece at night."
"When sightseeing at the top of a cliff, do not strain too hard to make out details; you could be jumping to a conclusion."
"Do not make love in a car with an automatic transmission; your son could turn out to be a shiftless bastard."
"Stick your hands in your pants... you will feel cocky all day long!"
"Never give anyone a piece of your mind unless you're sure you have enough to spare."
"Buy prune juice: you will get a good run for your money!"
"Make sure to install an indoor toilet; a house without one is uncanny."
"If your wife puts you in the dog house, she's likely to find you in the cat house."
"Stay out of fights; they do not determine who is right, only who is left."
"When peering into a vat of molten glass, watch your step; one careless slip and you could make a spectacle of yourself."
"Drive like hell and you are bound to get there."
"Panties are not the best thing on earth, but they're close to it."
Brunette: "My love life sucks. I have sex with my boyfriend only once or twice a week."
Blonde: "Think that's bad? For me, it's only around once a month!"
Brunette: "Really? I didn't know you were dating again."
Blonde: " ... oh. Sorry, I'm not. I thought we were talking about your boyfriend."
And that's all from me for awhile.
* * *
She: "Hi there, fella. Looking for a good time?"
He: "No thanks, ma'am, I already got one. Minute and a half, 'cording to my wife."
* * *
I just happened to notice: when someone offers "a penny for your thoughts", you wind up giving them your "two cents". At that rate of inflation, it pays to keep your opinions to yourself.
* * *
Don't bother with the Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. All you ever get when you open one of those little doors is a voice asking, "Have you heard the good news?"
* * *
After dinner last night, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I gave it my best shot... another couple of feet and I would have made it!
* * *
He: "All A's on the report card again! No doubt about it... our boy may have gotten his looks from you, but he got all his smarts from me!"
She: "That's probably true. I still have mine."
* * *
Misfortune cookies:
"Do not piss into the wind; the wind will get angry and piss back."
* * *
"Never jump through a screen door; you'll only strain yourself."
* * *
"Do not kill bacteria; it's the only culture some people have."
* * *
"Give your wife grief all day, you will get no piece at night."
* * *
"When sightseeing at the top of a cliff, do not strain too hard to make out details; you could be jumping to a conclusion."
* * *
"Do not make love in a car with an automatic transmission; your son could turn out to be a shiftless bastard."
* * *
"Stick your hands in your pants... you will feel cocky all day long!"
* * *
"Never give anyone a piece of your mind unless you're sure you have enough to spare."
* * *
"Buy prune juice: you will get a good run for your money!"
* * *
"Make sure to install an indoor toilet; a house without one is uncanny."
* * *
"If your wife puts you in the dog house, she's likely to find you in the cat house."
* * *
"Stay out of fights; they do not determine who is right, only who is left."
* * *
"When peering into a vat of molten glass, watch your step; one careless slip and you could make a spectacle of yourself."
* * *
"Drive like hell and you are bound to get there."
* * *
"Panties are not the best thing on earth, but they're close to it."
* * *
Brunette: "My love life sucks. I have sex with my boyfriend only once or twice a week."
Blonde: "Think that's bad? For me, it's only around once a month!"
Brunette: "Really? I didn't know you were dating again."
Blonde: " ... oh. Sorry, I'm not. I thought we were talking about your boyfriend."
*
And that's all from me for awhile.
