Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]When I was a kid, I tried to ambush Santa Claus by sticking arsenic in his milk and cookies. Well, the old bird must’a found out about it and struck first; in the morning, I found that he’d killed my father.
It’s a good thing the Romans chose to crucify Jesus rather than drown him. Think how silly a church would look with an aquarium on the altar!
“Receptionist, I’d like a wake up call, please.”
“Certainly, sir. When was the last time you took a long, hard look at your life?”
I didn’t realize there was no toilet paper on the roll until after I’d finished my business. I got off Scott free.
Last names frequently reflect a family’s past activity. Mr. Tailor’s ancestors, for example, cut cloth. Mr. Mason’s forefathers worked with stone. I really don’t want to know, however, what Mr. Dickinson’s folks got up to.
Brunette: “Why do you always apply spermicide when we go to the beach?”
Blonde: “Hey, you’re the one who told me to use a son block!”
My boss wants to get into human trafficking. I wasn’t too crazy about the idea, but now I’m sold.
When P. T. Barnum first started his famous circus, he hired former waiter Tom Thumb the midget as an attraction. A good thing, too... the poor little guy was having trouble putting food on the table.
You don’t have to be a magician to turn a fox into an elephant. All you have to do is marry one.
“I’m serving a life sentence for something I didn’t even do!”
“What would that be?”
“Wiping my fingerprints off the knife.”
My grandfather is still furious with the Japanese about Pearl Harbor. Evidently he doesn’t know that Americans made that movie.
Interviewer: “I see that under ‘qualifications’ you’ve written down ‘fantastic children!’ Sorry... that really isn’t an acceptable reason to hire you.”
Applicant: “Please, son, I really need this job!”
I just heard about a concept called “theoretical prostitution”. Man, it really blew my mind!
There was no room in the inn for Mary and Joseph. They really shouldn’t have visited during the Christmas season.
I wish I had a dollar for each time a lady called me handsome! In fact, I do; I hear from gramma each year on my birthday.
First astronaut: “We’ve got coffee up here, but I don’t see the Coffee Mate. Could one of you guys find me some?”
“Second Astronaut: “In space, nobody can. Here, use cream.”
After a night on the town, I just can’t wait to get home and rip off my wife’s panties! They’re so damned uncomfortable!
It’s no surprise the hedonists in Pompeii lived next to Mount Aetna. They were into volcanic ash long before it was cool.
Can you tell the difference between a burro and a burrow? If not, you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground.
I’d beat my son if I ever found out he was gay. I mean, I’m so damn much gayer than he’d ever be!
When women reach a certain age, they can’t conceive children anymore. Their maternal instinct frustrated, they begin to collect lots of cats instead. It’s a condition known as “many paws”.
“Mommy, I gotta poop.”
“We’re still 10 minutes from home. You’ll just have to hold it.”
10 minutes later:
“Okay, son, we’re back. You can use the bathroom now.”
“I don’t have to anymore, Mom. I got tired of holding it and put it in your purse.”[/FONT]
* * *
It’s a good thing the Romans chose to crucify Jesus rather than drown him. Think how silly a church would look with an aquarium on the altar!
* * *
“Receptionist, I’d like a wake up call, please.”
“Certainly, sir. When was the last time you took a long, hard look at your life?”
* * *
I didn’t realize there was no toilet paper on the roll until after I’d finished my business. I got off Scott free.
* * *
Last names frequently reflect a family’s past activity. Mr. Tailor’s ancestors, for example, cut cloth. Mr. Mason’s forefathers worked with stone. I really don’t want to know, however, what Mr. Dickinson’s folks got up to.
* * *
Brunette: “Why do you always apply spermicide when we go to the beach?”
Blonde: “Hey, you’re the one who told me to use a son block!”
* * *
My boss wants to get into human trafficking. I wasn’t too crazy about the idea, but now I’m sold.
* * *
When P. T. Barnum first started his famous circus, he hired former waiter Tom Thumb the midget as an attraction. A good thing, too... the poor little guy was having trouble putting food on the table.
* * *
You don’t have to be a magician to turn a fox into an elephant. All you have to do is marry one.
* * *
“I’m serving a life sentence for something I didn’t even do!”
“What would that be?”
“Wiping my fingerprints off the knife.”
* * *
My grandfather is still furious with the Japanese about Pearl Harbor. Evidently he doesn’t know that Americans made that movie.
* * *
Interviewer: “I see that under ‘qualifications’ you’ve written down ‘fantastic children!’ Sorry... that really isn’t an acceptable reason to hire you.”
Applicant: “Please, son, I really need this job!”
* * *
I just heard about a concept called “theoretical prostitution”. Man, it really blew my mind!
* * *
There was no room in the inn for Mary and Joseph. They really shouldn’t have visited during the Christmas season.
* * *
I wish I had a dollar for each time a lady called me handsome! In fact, I do; I hear from gramma each year on my birthday.
* * *
First astronaut: “We’ve got coffee up here, but I don’t see the Coffee Mate. Could one of you guys find me some?”
“Second Astronaut: “In space, nobody can. Here, use cream.”
* * *
After a night on the town, I just can’t wait to get home and rip off my wife’s panties! They’re so damned uncomfortable!
* * *
It’s no surprise the hedonists in Pompeii lived next to Mount Aetna. They were into volcanic ash long before it was cool.
* * *
Can you tell the difference between a burro and a burrow? If not, you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground.
* * *
I’d beat my son if I ever found out he was gay. I mean, I’m so damn much gayer than he’d ever be!
* * *
When women reach a certain age, they can’t conceive children anymore. Their maternal instinct frustrated, they begin to collect lots of cats instead. It’s a condition known as “many paws”.
* * *
“Mommy, I gotta poop.”
“We’re still 10 minutes from home. You’ll just have to hold it.”
10 minutes later:
“Okay, son, we’re back. You can use the bathroom now.”
“I don’t have to anymore, Mom. I got tired of holding it and put it in your purse.”[/FONT]
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