Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Why did the chicken consult a psychic?
To talk to the other side.
Male porn stars make great employees. They're used to working hard.
My brother is a safety inspector, checking for gas leaks in the manufacturing district. He tells me he starts with the ol' factory.
There's usually no complaint if you grab an animal's toe. Just don't try it with a camel.
Skeptics warned that Beethoven's deafness would prevent him from composing any memorable music. Fortunately he didn't listen to them.
I was fired from my job because I carved a few flint tools. They caught me knapping.
If you plan to go hunting, never use a bow. It offers endless drawbacks.
9/10 people order a medium pepperoni pizza.
9/11 people get a large plane.
I have no desire at all to meet my doctor's medical staff. Snakes terrify me.
Right eye, to left eye: "Between you and me... something smells."
Watching too much porn gave me unrealistic expectations about sex. I thought I might actually get some.
Bra, to hat: "You go on a head; I'll give these two a lift."
My next door neighbor comes from New Delhi. Unfortunately, he drinks heavily... every night, like clockwork, he staggers home and punches his wife in the face. 12 AM, right on the dot.
How do you get a Lannister bed?
Push two twins together to make a king.
I went to hell and back to find the perfect Christmas gift for my girlfriend. So if she doesn't like it, she can return it herself.
Buzz Aldrin was the second man ever to set foot on the moon... Neil before him.
I got sick at the airport. Never thought I'd contract a terminal illness.
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking, after a house fire.
I pine for tasty synonym rolls... the kind that Grammer used to make.
Michael Bay is casting a film about the great Classical composers. Arnold Schwarzenegger is rumored to be up for a part, so a Hollywood reporter presses him for an interview.
"Ja, it is true," Schwarzenegger tells him. "Bruce Willis will play Mozart. Sylvester Stallone has been selected as Beethoven."
"And what about you, Mr. Schwarzenegger?"
"I'll be Bach."
I've always said to my kids, "Stay in school!"... but they insist on coming home afterward.
A young man becomes radicalized after military action kills his entire family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins an organized insurgency, and takes part in an attack against established authority which kills thousands. His name: Luke Skywalker.
To talk to the other side.
* * *
Male porn stars make great employees. They're used to working hard.
* * *
My brother is a safety inspector, checking for gas leaks in the manufacturing district. He tells me he starts with the ol' factory.
* * *
There's usually no complaint if you grab an animal's toe. Just don't try it with a camel.
* * *
Skeptics warned that Beethoven's deafness would prevent him from composing any memorable music. Fortunately he didn't listen to them.
* * *
I was fired from my job because I carved a few flint tools. They caught me knapping.
* * *
If you plan to go hunting, never use a bow. It offers endless drawbacks.
* * *
9/10 people order a medium pepperoni pizza.
9/11 people get a large plane.
* * *
I have no desire at all to meet my doctor's medical staff. Snakes terrify me.
* * *
Right eye, to left eye: "Between you and me... something smells."
* * *
Watching too much porn gave me unrealistic expectations about sex. I thought I might actually get some.
* * *
Bra, to hat: "You go on a head; I'll give these two a lift."
* * *
My next door neighbor comes from New Delhi. Unfortunately, he drinks heavily... every night, like clockwork, he staggers home and punches his wife in the face. 12 AM, right on the dot.
* * *
How do you get a Lannister bed?
Push two twins together to make a king.
* * *
I went to hell and back to find the perfect Christmas gift for my girlfriend. So if she doesn't like it, she can return it herself.
* * *
Buzz Aldrin was the second man ever to set foot on the moon... Neil before him.
* * *
I got sick at the airport. Never thought I'd contract a terminal illness.
* * *
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking, after a house fire.
* * *
I pine for tasty synonym rolls... the kind that Grammer used to make.
* * *
Michael Bay is casting a film about the great Classical composers. Arnold Schwarzenegger is rumored to be up for a part, so a Hollywood reporter presses him for an interview.
"Ja, it is true," Schwarzenegger tells him. "Bruce Willis will play Mozart. Sylvester Stallone has been selected as Beethoven."
"And what about you, Mr. Schwarzenegger?"
"I'll be Bach."
* * *
I've always said to my kids, "Stay in school!"... but they insist on coming home afterward.
* * *
A young man becomes radicalized after military action kills his entire family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins an organized insurgency, and takes part in an attack against established authority which kills thousands. His name: Luke Skywalker.
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