Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
A cyclone tore through a southern trailer park... did $150,000 worth of improvements.
It's my ambition to be poor one day. At present, I'm poor every day.
Bill Gates consults a spirit medium to contact Steve Jobs.
Bill: Hiya, Steve! It's Bill! So, how's heaven?
Steve: It's absolutely perfect, Bill! Not a single building or a single fence!
Bill: How does that make things perfect?
Steve: No windows; no gates.
My doctor used two fingers during my prostate exam. Last time I ask for a second opinion!
Child: Mommy... am I adopted.
Mom: No dear. We haven't found anybody who wants you yet.
I love burgers so much, I asked for one 7 feet tall.
"I'll try," said the chef, "but that's a mighty tall order."
He: Lady, do I know you? Ya look vaguely familiar...
She: I certainly should! You're the father of one of my children!
He: Damn, sorry! Can't say I'm surprised, though! You're one hot mama!
She: What I am is his fourth grade teacher!
It was the end for Grandpa when we greased the slope... he went downhill quickly.
Last time I was at the zoo, I saw a bunch of apes sunbathing. They were all orangu-tan.
Q: How did the old beatnik burn his tongue?
A: Well, according to him, he was drinking coffee before it was cool.
Here's my step ladder. Alas, I never knew my real ladder.
All the poultry used in this meal had epilepsy. It's Chicken Seizure Salad.
My brother, the pasta chef, had to buy a new car. His last one was all denty.
Q: How many Falcons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None of them would bother; they'd still be living in Tom Brady's shadow.
I don't find the SuperBowl results all that surprising. It's not the first time Atlanta was burned by the North.
I have postpartum depression. I've been unhappy since the day I was born.
I'm severely disappointed in my new wife... I'd assumed that "Male Order Bride" was a typo.
Bar patron: I'll have a Rum and Coke.
Bartender: Will Pepsi be all right?
Patron: Sure.
Bartender: Okay. Here's your Coke and Pepsi.
My girlfriend wants me off the videogame console... she says she'd like me to treat her like a princess. That's just great... where the hell am I gonna find a gorilla to throw barrels at me?
Planned Parenthood has come up with its own videogame. The title is "Womb Raider".
My uncle's second car is a modified DeLorean. He drives it from time to time.
President Trump and Melania are attending the first game of the World Series, when a league official approaches their box. After a few whispered words, the president grins and nods enthusiastically. He then hauls his wife to her feet, slapping and savagely berating her. The poor woman flees the stadium shrieking and in tears. The crowd is aghast.
Once Melania is gone, a Secret Service agent leans over and whispers in the president's ear:
"Sir... they were asking if you'd be interested in throwing out the first pitch."
* * *
It's my ambition to be poor one day. At present, I'm poor every day.
* * *
Bill Gates consults a spirit medium to contact Steve Jobs.
Bill: Hiya, Steve! It's Bill! So, how's heaven?
Steve: It's absolutely perfect, Bill! Not a single building or a single fence!
Bill: How does that make things perfect?
Steve: No windows; no gates.
* * *
My doctor used two fingers during my prostate exam. Last time I ask for a second opinion!
* * *
Child: Mommy... am I adopted.
Mom: No dear. We haven't found anybody who wants you yet.
* * *
I love burgers so much, I asked for one 7 feet tall.
"I'll try," said the chef, "but that's a mighty tall order."
* * *
He: Lady, do I know you? Ya look vaguely familiar...
She: I certainly should! You're the father of one of my children!
He: Damn, sorry! Can't say I'm surprised, though! You're one hot mama!
She: What I am is his fourth grade teacher!
* * *
It was the end for Grandpa when we greased the slope... he went downhill quickly.
* * *
Last time I was at the zoo, I saw a bunch of apes sunbathing. They were all orangu-tan.
* * *
Q: How did the old beatnik burn his tongue?
A: Well, according to him, he was drinking coffee before it was cool.
* * *
Here's my step ladder. Alas, I never knew my real ladder.
* * *
All the poultry used in this meal had epilepsy. It's Chicken Seizure Salad.
* * *
My brother, the pasta chef, had to buy a new car. His last one was all denty.
* * *
Q: How many Falcons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None of them would bother; they'd still be living in Tom Brady's shadow.
* * *
I don't find the SuperBowl results all that surprising. It's not the first time Atlanta was burned by the North.
* * *
I have postpartum depression. I've been unhappy since the day I was born.
* * *
I'm severely disappointed in my new wife... I'd assumed that "Male Order Bride" was a typo.
* * *
Bar patron: I'll have a Rum and Coke.
Bartender: Will Pepsi be all right?
Patron: Sure.
Bartender: Okay. Here's your Coke and Pepsi.
* * *
My girlfriend wants me off the videogame console... she says she'd like me to treat her like a princess. That's just great... where the hell am I gonna find a gorilla to throw barrels at me?
* * *
Planned Parenthood has come up with its own videogame. The title is "Womb Raider".
* * *
My uncle's second car is a modified DeLorean. He drives it from time to time.
* * *
President Trump and Melania are attending the first game of the World Series, when a league official approaches their box. After a few whispered words, the president grins and nods enthusiastically. He then hauls his wife to her feet, slapping and savagely berating her. The poor woman flees the stadium shrieking and in tears. The crowd is aghast.
Once Melania is gone, a Secret Service agent leans over and whispers in the president's ear:
"Sir... they were asking if you'd be interested in throwing out the first pitch."
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