Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I wouldn't give up my girlfriend for a million bucks. Her dad left her five million.
Burnette: "Have you been watching the ice dancing? Wow, I could never do that! My feet would never stay in synch."
Blonde: "Why would you even want them to? Just scrub 'em with a wet wash cloth."
Carrot juice is supposed to be really good for your vision. I suppose it's full of vitamin see.
My wife took a look at my car after its windows had been tinted dark.
"That's so stupid!" she sneered. "I wouldn't be seen dead in a car like that!"
Damn, I think she's on to me.
Agent 007 has rescued loads of kinky ladies over the years... every one of them was into Bond-age.
My brother always referred to himself as a love machine. Not a good idea... he was killed by Luddites.
My dad used to beef about sex in TV commercials, but on the internet, which caters to all manner of sex maniacs and perverts, it's twice as bad. Why, you can't even glance at advertisements without noticing semen between the tits!
Brunette: "I'm not going to be around for awhile. My application's been accepted by the Naval Academy!"
Blonde: "Really? How much is it gonna cost?"
Brunette: "Not a dime! The Navy takes care of everything! I've already got my scholarship!"
Blonde: "Wow! You only just started and they gave you a whole ship to study in!"
I used to do drugs in the 80's. Now that we're deep into winter, I'm doing them in cold weather too.
It's 1939 and a Panzer tank rolls up in front of a Polish vegetable stand.
"Good morning, Commander!" the vender chirps. "What can I offer you today?"
The German soldier looks his selection over and immediately responds.
"Ze kale!"
My brother likes all his coworkers at the helium plant. He speaks very highly of them.
Fishmonger, to magician: "Pick a cod, any cod... "
I couldn't get into medical school, so I decided to become a homeopathic practitioner. It took practically no time... there really was nothing to it!
Homeopaths treat diabetes with placebos. They give their patients diluted sugar pills.
A homeopath recently committed suicide. He took a massive underdose.
Mr. Ed using Life Alert: "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"
After having served my time on sex charges, my brother-in-law recommended I change my name to avoid persecution. I couldn't think of any replacements, but he came up with a list of swell choices: Ray Parr, Moe Lester and Peter File
He: "Damn! I just spilled cereal all over the floor."
She: (sigh) "Get out of the way then, dummy. I'm coming with the broom."
He: "It isn't that urgent. You can come on foot."
When my wife was pregnant, the baby kicked inside her womb non-stop. I kick her one damn time and I go to jail for a year!
Ever since hearing about Superman's death, I've wanted to exhume his body so I can resuscitate him. It hasn't been easy... nobody seems to know exactly where he's buried. However, I may be getting close: according to rumor, there's a mausoleum just outside Metropolis carved entirely of shimmering green stone. I'm heading there right after sundown... chances are good I find his crypt tonight.
According to the old adage, The early bird catches the worm. Since he's always active during the morning chill, he's also more likely to catch a cold and die from a compromised immune system. I therefore propose an amended version of the saying: The early bird catches the worm... the tardy bird catches the warm.
Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me! I'm having terrible dreams... naked sex-crazed women keep lusting and groping after me! They're so relentless, I'm constantly pushing them away!"
Doctor: "I'm a surgeon, son, not a psychiatrist. What do you think I can do?"
Patient: "Quick, amputate my arms!"
* * *
Burnette: "Have you been watching the ice dancing? Wow, I could never do that! My feet would never stay in synch."
Blonde: "Why would you even want them to? Just scrub 'em with a wet wash cloth."
* * *
Carrot juice is supposed to be really good for your vision. I suppose it's full of vitamin see.
* * *
My wife took a look at my car after its windows had been tinted dark.
"That's so stupid!" she sneered. "I wouldn't be seen dead in a car like that!"
Damn, I think she's on to me.
* * *
Agent 007 has rescued loads of kinky ladies over the years... every one of them was into Bond-age.
* * *
My brother always referred to himself as a love machine. Not a good idea... he was killed by Luddites.
* * *
My dad used to beef about sex in TV commercials, but on the internet, which caters to all manner of sex maniacs and perverts, it's twice as bad. Why, you can't even glance at advertisements without noticing semen between the tits!
* * *
Brunette: "I'm not going to be around for awhile. My application's been accepted by the Naval Academy!"
Blonde: "Really? How much is it gonna cost?"
Brunette: "Not a dime! The Navy takes care of everything! I've already got my scholarship!"
Blonde: "Wow! You only just started and they gave you a whole ship to study in!"
* * *
I used to do drugs in the 80's. Now that we're deep into winter, I'm doing them in cold weather too.
* * *
It's 1939 and a Panzer tank rolls up in front of a Polish vegetable stand.
"Good morning, Commander!" the vender chirps. "What can I offer you today?"
The German soldier looks his selection over and immediately responds.
"Ze kale!"
* * *
My brother likes all his coworkers at the helium plant. He speaks very highly of them.
* * *
Fishmonger, to magician: "Pick a cod, any cod... "
* * *
I couldn't get into medical school, so I decided to become a homeopathic practitioner. It took practically no time... there really was nothing to it!
* * *
Homeopaths treat diabetes with placebos. They give their patients diluted sugar pills.
* * *
A homeopath recently committed suicide. He took a massive underdose.
* * *
Mr. Ed using Life Alert: "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"
* * *
After having served my time on sex charges, my brother-in-law recommended I change my name to avoid persecution. I couldn't think of any replacements, but he came up with a list of swell choices: Ray Parr, Moe Lester and Peter File
* * *
He: "Damn! I just spilled cereal all over the floor."
She: (sigh) "Get out of the way then, dummy. I'm coming with the broom."
He: "It isn't that urgent. You can come on foot."
* * *
When my wife was pregnant, the baby kicked inside her womb non-stop. I kick her one damn time and I go to jail for a year!
* * *
Ever since hearing about Superman's death, I've wanted to exhume his body so I can resuscitate him. It hasn't been easy... nobody seems to know exactly where he's buried. However, I may be getting close: according to rumor, there's a mausoleum just outside Metropolis carved entirely of shimmering green stone. I'm heading there right after sundown... chances are good I find his crypt tonight.
* * *
According to the old adage, The early bird catches the worm. Since he's always active during the morning chill, he's also more likely to catch a cold and die from a compromised immune system. I therefore propose an amended version of the saying: The early bird catches the worm... the tardy bird catches the warm.
* * *
Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me! I'm having terrible dreams... naked sex-crazed women keep lusting and groping after me! They're so relentless, I'm constantly pushing them away!"
Doctor: "I'm a surgeon, son, not a psychiatrist. What do you think I can do?"
Patient: "Quick, amputate my arms!"
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