Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I woke up this morning having spent the whole night dreaming I was in bed sleeping. So... all that rest was only imaginary.
A chronic gambler lost one piece out of his pair of lucky dice. Without it, the other is useless and his livelihood is now ruined. You can find him roaming the streets moaning, “I just wanna die!”
New tests have determined that the Shroud of Turin is actually real. Holy sheet!
I’ve seen a flood of recent articles bemoaning the fact that felons can now print firearms using 3D plastic technology. This is old news to me... I’ve used a Canon printer for years.
If Kim Jong Un ever invades the Demilitarized Zone, drones have been specially targeted to take him out instantly. His exact position is constantly monitored on a big map: X marks despot.
Early 20th Century: kids have sneak out to get booze.
Late 20th Century: kids have to sneak out to get pot.
Early 21st Century: kids have to sneak out to get vaccinated.
Anti-vaxxers have come up with a brand new pamphlet: “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Autistics are from Mercury”.
I was playing Dungeons and Dragons, deep in a treasure vault, when I was confronted by a formidably brawny monster. Things looked bad, but the beast wasn’t actually as tough as it looked: it was Meaty Ogre.
What’s the difference between February 14 and July 4?
Not a lot, really. They both commemorate a period of independence on the brink of war.
My girlfriend gripes that I never give her an orgasm, so last night I made sure she got one. Ungrateful brat! She immediately spat it out!
Last time I visited Legoland, I was disgusted to see two teens making out right there in the middle of the park.
“Hey, you two!” I blurted angrily. “Build a room!”
Husbands may often be thoughtless louts and wives may be generally superior to their mates in most ways, but there’s one indisputable thing you can say for us fellas: we definitely have a lot better taste than their spouses do.
Conceiving a joke takes inspiration, but you really need skill to deliver one. Just ask my mom.
Lottery winner: “I intend to give a quarter of this million dollars to charity!”
Reporter: “That’s very generous of you!”
Lottery winner: “I think so too! Now I can spend the other $999,999.75 with a clear conscience!”
A busty blonde walks up to a guy on a lonely street corner and coos, “ Sweetie, for $200 I’ll let you do anything in the world you want to with me.”
The dude thinks it over, then fishes out his wallet.
“So,” she giggles, “figured out what you wanna do to my body?”
“Yep,” the man replies, closing in. “Identify it.”
A couple of our dairy cows refused to lactate, so we sold ‘em to a candy company. Where else would you offload a couple of milk duds?
Two peanuts were walking down the street; one was assaulted. A third peanut, the attacker, pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity, but his excuse didn’t hold up. Seems he wasn’t really a nut.
I heard about a nut who was a champ at playing hide-and-seek. He didn’t play fair, though... turns out he was a pecan.
A cheating roughneck was tossed out of a street fight for throwing soy sauce in his fallen opponent’s face. Those are the rules: you never Kikkoman when he’s down.
“Have you got a date for Valentine’s Day?”
“I’ll say I do! February 14th, same as last year!”
I’ve heard it said that makeup sex is the very best kind. I feel a lot better now; all my sex is made up.
The Tesla Roadster that Elon Musk launched aboard his rocket will orbit through the solar system for a billion years. It’s a clever and enduring memorial to the automobile’s impressive features: battery capacity... 200 miles per charge; seating capacity... room for two passengers; trunk capacity... space sufficient for three dead hookers.[/FONT]
* * *
A chronic gambler lost one piece out of his pair of lucky dice. Without it, the other is useless and his livelihood is now ruined. You can find him roaming the streets moaning, “I just wanna die!”
* * *
New tests have determined that the Shroud of Turin is actually real. Holy sheet!
* * *
I’ve seen a flood of recent articles bemoaning the fact that felons can now print firearms using 3D plastic technology. This is old news to me... I’ve used a Canon printer for years.
* * *
If Kim Jong Un ever invades the Demilitarized Zone, drones have been specially targeted to take him out instantly. His exact position is constantly monitored on a big map: X marks despot.
* * *
Early 20th Century: kids have sneak out to get booze.
Late 20th Century: kids have to sneak out to get pot.
Early 21st Century: kids have to sneak out to get vaccinated.
* * *
Anti-vaxxers have come up with a brand new pamphlet: “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Autistics are from Mercury”.
* * *
I was playing Dungeons and Dragons, deep in a treasure vault, when I was confronted by a formidably brawny monster. Things looked bad, but the beast wasn’t actually as tough as it looked: it was Meaty Ogre.
* * *
What’s the difference between February 14 and July 4?
Not a lot, really. They both commemorate a period of independence on the brink of war.
* * *
My girlfriend gripes that I never give her an orgasm, so last night I made sure she got one. Ungrateful brat! She immediately spat it out!
* * *
Last time I visited Legoland, I was disgusted to see two teens making out right there in the middle of the park.
“Hey, you two!” I blurted angrily. “Build a room!”
* * *
Husbands may often be thoughtless louts and wives may be generally superior to their mates in most ways, but there’s one indisputable thing you can say for us fellas: we definitely have a lot better taste than their spouses do.
* * *
Conceiving a joke takes inspiration, but you really need skill to deliver one. Just ask my mom.
* * *
Lottery winner: “I intend to give a quarter of this million dollars to charity!”
Reporter: “That’s very generous of you!”
Lottery winner: “I think so too! Now I can spend the other $999,999.75 with a clear conscience!”
* * *
A busty blonde walks up to a guy on a lonely street corner and coos, “ Sweetie, for $200 I’ll let you do anything in the world you want to with me.”
The dude thinks it over, then fishes out his wallet.
“So,” she giggles, “figured out what you wanna do to my body?”
“Yep,” the man replies, closing in. “Identify it.”
* * *
A couple of our dairy cows refused to lactate, so we sold ‘em to a candy company. Where else would you offload a couple of milk duds?
* * *
Two peanuts were walking down the street; one was assaulted. A third peanut, the attacker, pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity, but his excuse didn’t hold up. Seems he wasn’t really a nut.
* * *
I heard about a nut who was a champ at playing hide-and-seek. He didn’t play fair, though... turns out he was a pecan.
* * *
A cheating roughneck was tossed out of a street fight for throwing soy sauce in his fallen opponent’s face. Those are the rules: you never Kikkoman when he’s down.
* * *
“Have you got a date for Valentine’s Day?”
“I’ll say I do! February 14th, same as last year!”
* * *
I’ve heard it said that makeup sex is the very best kind. I feel a lot better now; all my sex is made up.
* * *
The Tesla Roadster that Elon Musk launched aboard his rocket will orbit through the solar system for a billion years. It’s a clever and enduring memorial to the automobile’s impressive features: battery capacity... 200 miles per charge; seating capacity... room for two passengers; trunk capacity... space sufficient for three dead hookers.[/FONT]
