Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Scissors: “Hey, what on earth is that flat white sheet people are always writing on?”
Rock: “Beats me.”
Blonde motorist: “I saw you stalled on the side of the road. You own a vintage VW Beetle, same as mine, so maybe I can help.”
2nd blonde motorist: “I really don’t know what’s wrong. I was driving along fine, then the motor suddenly died.”
Blonde motorist: “You’re in luck, then! I think I have a spare motor in the trunk!”
My wife bought me a gold Rolex for my birthday. I suspected it was fake when my hand turned green. But, nah... apparently the band was just way too tight.
How many people does it take to welcome a Nazi?
One Brazilian.
Teacher: “Jimmy, I want you to name one of the chemical elements,”
Jimmy: “Sure! Dirt.”
Teacher: “Don’t be ignorant! You won’t find Dirt on the periodic table of elements!”
Jimmy: “You will if you don’t wash proper.”
Our local theater critic slams every production he sees. He hopes the notoriety will someday make him rich; he’s panning for gold.
The clergy tells us that Jesus paid for our sins. I suppose he used Praypal.
Yuri Gagarin to Alan Shepard: “Hey, you can’t park that thing here! This is my space!”
My kids are 7 and 9. That isn’t their ages; it’s how annoying they are on a scale of 10.
Kurt Cobain was a very depressed 13 year old. Turns out he was having a midlife crisis.
Eskimos have a fool-proof way of catching seals. They dig a small hole in the ice, then sprinkle peas around the edge. A seal will swim along underneath until it sees the tempting food; when it comes up to take a pea, the hunters kick it in the ice hole.
He: “I have to know! How many other men have you slept with?”
She: “Only you, dear. The rest of them aren’t half as boring.”
Our local theater once advertised a whole program of XXX features. I was excited as hell till I found out it was a Roman film festival.
Imperial Roman bathhouses were divided into three rooms with three different temperatures. The room with hot baths was called the Caldarium; the room with lukewarm baths was called the Tepidarium; finally, the room with cold baths was called the Frigidarium. Rumor has it that when you opened the door to this last room, a little light went on
My brother was a pharmaceutical salesman, but he went broke by taking too many of the samples. He became a pill pauper.
The new model of male sex robot is now available for service. He has standardized routine for quickies: nuts and bolts.
I saw a chameleon today... a pretty lousy one, evidently.
Participating in a marathon can be great for your health. But only in the long run.
I got one of those stair-lift systems for my arthritic Mom. I thought she’d love it, but now I’m not so sure. She tells me it’s driving her up the wall.
Son: “Dad, what are condoms good for?”
Dad: “Well, they prevent annoying questions for a start.”
Q: What can you do to keep Canadian bacon from curling?
A: Take away its broom.
Doctor: “Sir, you are one of the healthiest 65 year olds I’ve ever examined! You must have a great genetic makeup! Tell me, how long ago did your father die?”
Patient: “What makes you think he’s dead? Dad is 92 years old, still jogs every morning and still works in the yard every day.”
Doctor: “That’s truly amazing! Okay then, when did your grandfather die?”
Patient: “What makes you think he’s dead? Granddad is 115 years old, still water skis and is about to marry an 18 year old beauty!”
Doctor: “Good lord, that’s unbelievable! It’s hard to imagine that any man would even want to marry a girl that much younger than himself!”
Patient: “What makes you think he wants to?”[/FONT]
Rock: “Beats me.”
* * *
Blonde motorist: “I saw you stalled on the side of the road. You own a vintage VW Beetle, same as mine, so maybe I can help.”
2nd blonde motorist: “I really don’t know what’s wrong. I was driving along fine, then the motor suddenly died.”
Blonde motorist: “You’re in luck, then! I think I have a spare motor in the trunk!”
* * *
My wife bought me a gold Rolex for my birthday. I suspected it was fake when my hand turned green. But, nah... apparently the band was just way too tight.
* * *
How many people does it take to welcome a Nazi?
One Brazilian.
* * *
Teacher: “Jimmy, I want you to name one of the chemical elements,”
Jimmy: “Sure! Dirt.”
Teacher: “Don’t be ignorant! You won’t find Dirt on the periodic table of elements!”
Jimmy: “You will if you don’t wash proper.”
* * *
Our local theater critic slams every production he sees. He hopes the notoriety will someday make him rich; he’s panning for gold.
* * *
The clergy tells us that Jesus paid for our sins. I suppose he used Praypal.
* * *
Yuri Gagarin to Alan Shepard: “Hey, you can’t park that thing here! This is my space!”
* * *
My kids are 7 and 9. That isn’t their ages; it’s how annoying they are on a scale of 10.
* * *
Kurt Cobain was a very depressed 13 year old. Turns out he was having a midlife crisis.
* * *
Eskimos have a fool-proof way of catching seals. They dig a small hole in the ice, then sprinkle peas around the edge. A seal will swim along underneath until it sees the tempting food; when it comes up to take a pea, the hunters kick it in the ice hole.
* * *
He: “I have to know! How many other men have you slept with?”
She: “Only you, dear. The rest of them aren’t half as boring.”
* * *
Our local theater once advertised a whole program of XXX features. I was excited as hell till I found out it was a Roman film festival.
* * *
Imperial Roman bathhouses were divided into three rooms with three different temperatures. The room with hot baths was called the Caldarium; the room with lukewarm baths was called the Tepidarium; finally, the room with cold baths was called the Frigidarium. Rumor has it that when you opened the door to this last room, a little light went on
* * *
My brother was a pharmaceutical salesman, but he went broke by taking too many of the samples. He became a pill pauper.
* * *
The new model of male sex robot is now available for service. He has standardized routine for quickies: nuts and bolts.
* * *
I saw a chameleon today... a pretty lousy one, evidently.
* * *
Participating in a marathon can be great for your health. But only in the long run.
* * *
I got one of those stair-lift systems for my arthritic Mom. I thought she’d love it, but now I’m not so sure. She tells me it’s driving her up the wall.
* * *
Son: “Dad, what are condoms good for?”
Dad: “Well, they prevent annoying questions for a start.”
* * *
Q: What can you do to keep Canadian bacon from curling?
A: Take away its broom.
* * *
Doctor: “Sir, you are one of the healthiest 65 year olds I’ve ever examined! You must have a great genetic makeup! Tell me, how long ago did your father die?”
Patient: “What makes you think he’s dead? Dad is 92 years old, still jogs every morning and still works in the yard every day.”
Doctor: “That’s truly amazing! Okay then, when did your grandfather die?”
Patient: “What makes you think he’s dead? Granddad is 115 years old, still water skis and is about to marry an 18 year old beauty!”
Doctor: “Good lord, that’s unbelievable! It’s hard to imagine that any man would even want to marry a girl that much younger than himself!”
Patient: “What makes you think he wants to?”[/FONT]
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