Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I'd planned to get into hot air balloon tours, but before I could invest, recent events ruined the market. Man, I really dodged a missile!
Q: Which blathering mythological imp irritated the ancient Romans so much, they turned him into lunch meat?
A: The Gabby Ghoul.
I was screwing around and broke one of the cash registers just an hour before the store opens; the manager says I have exactly that much time to fix it! Better make it count!
Dan Cupid switched from a crossbow to a regular bow after he accidently shot the tip of a bolt through a guy's neck. Yes, he made a major change all because of a lover's quarrel.
I just got through reading a fascinating book about the presidential bomb shelter. Man, such opulence! Easy to see why it made the best cellar list!
After decades of being the top product in its field, Head and Shoulders has unaccountably opted to discontinue its line of anti-dandruff shampoos. The decision has many scratching their heads.
My wife said she wanted a fairy tale wedding. We had one, too... it was Grimm.
The San Francisco Bay Area got a scare when the Hayward tectonic plate rose several inches, threatening another massive earthquake. Happily, it soon settled back exactly as it had been before. Seismologists say it assumed its default position.
What a miserable Valentine's Day! I ordered a balloon bouquet for my sweetie... unfortunately, Biden had it shot down.
Q: What does 007 use to soothe the muscle aches and bruises he incurs during missions?
A: Bond. Gold Bond.
This Valentine's Day I was inundated by women! I spent the whole night in; that's due to being undated.
When the monsters held their annual convention, it was a riotous affair. Dracula's keynote speech was ignored by practically everybody. All except the Mummy; there he sat, in wrapped attention.
I'm in one of those classic love triangles: I love a beautiful girl... she loves nobody... nobody loves me.
The rulers of antiquity used to execute prisoners by tying their arms and legs to wild stallions so the condemned could be pulled to pieces. Happily, such barbaric customs don't persist today. Only one remnant of the practice remains: the Quarter Horse.
I was saddened to learn that Planters has fired Mr. Peanut as their mascot. But I suppose it was to be expected... he was born in 1916, which means that today he can't pee or nut.
Russian generals have called off plans to invade Ontario. They got scared when they heard the Canadians were eating Putin with gravy.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome that hot new band, The Subtractors! Take it away, boys!
Red Riding Hood spots the Big Bad Wolf hiding behind a tree.
Red Riding Hood: "My, what big ears you have!"
Big Bad Wolf: "Yeah... big ears. Got ya, toots."
Red Riding Hood: "My, what sharp teeth you have!"
Big Bad Wolf: "Sure, hon. Sharp teeth... "
Red Riding Hood: "My, what a long smelly tail you have!"
Big Bad Wolf: "Lady, will you kindly leave me the hell alone while I'm takin' a dump!"
My girlfriend doesn't believe Emperor Nero had a dick, just because she doesn't see one on his statues. Me, I think that's a phallusy.
He: "And what do you want for Valentine's Day?"
She: "A divorce!"
He: "Sorry... I hadn't planned to spend that much."
Q: I sound like a sneeze, but I actually come from the foot. What am I?
A: A shoe.
A blond city girl travels to the country for a holiday. She wonders along the rabbit trails, enjoying the woodland, when she happens on a local farmer.
"Hey, rube!" she calls out. "What the heck are those little brown pellets all over the ground?"
"Us country folk call 'em Clever Pills," the local returns. "Eat one and you'll get smart!"
"What a neat idea!" the blonde chirps and pops one into her mouth. A few seconds later, however, her face screws up in disgust.
"Eeeeyuuuuu!" she screeches. "Those pills taste like shit!"
"See?" the farmer chuckles. "Yer wisin' up already!"
* * *
Q: Which blathering mythological imp irritated the ancient Romans so much, they turned him into lunch meat?
A: The Gabby Ghoul.
* * *
I was screwing around and broke one of the cash registers just an hour before the store opens; the manager says I have exactly that much time to fix it! Better make it count!
* * *
Dan Cupid switched from a crossbow to a regular bow after he accidently shot the tip of a bolt through a guy's neck. Yes, he made a major change all because of a lover's quarrel.
* * *
I just got through reading a fascinating book about the presidential bomb shelter. Man, such opulence! Easy to see why it made the best cellar list!
* * *
After decades of being the top product in its field, Head and Shoulders has unaccountably opted to discontinue its line of anti-dandruff shampoos. The decision has many scratching their heads.
* * *
My wife said she wanted a fairy tale wedding. We had one, too... it was Grimm.
* * *
The San Francisco Bay Area got a scare when the Hayward tectonic plate rose several inches, threatening another massive earthquake. Happily, it soon settled back exactly as it had been before. Seismologists say it assumed its default position.
* * *
What a miserable Valentine's Day! I ordered a balloon bouquet for my sweetie... unfortunately, Biden had it shot down.
* * *
Q: What does 007 use to soothe the muscle aches and bruises he incurs during missions?
A: Bond. Gold Bond.
* * *
This Valentine's Day I was inundated by women! I spent the whole night in; that's due to being undated.
* * *
When the monsters held their annual convention, it was a riotous affair. Dracula's keynote speech was ignored by practically everybody. All except the Mummy; there he sat, in wrapped attention.
* * *
I'm in one of those classic love triangles: I love a beautiful girl... she loves nobody... nobody loves me.
* * *
The rulers of antiquity used to execute prisoners by tying their arms and legs to wild stallions so the condemned could be pulled to pieces. Happily, such barbaric customs don't persist today. Only one remnant of the practice remains: the Quarter Horse.
* * *
I was saddened to learn that Planters has fired Mr. Peanut as their mascot. But I suppose it was to be expected... he was born in 1916, which means that today he can't pee or nut.
* * *
Russian generals have called off plans to invade Ontario. They got scared when they heard the Canadians were eating Putin with gravy.
* * *
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome that hot new band, The Subtractors! Take it away, boys!
* * *
Red Riding Hood spots the Big Bad Wolf hiding behind a tree.
Red Riding Hood: "My, what big ears you have!"
Big Bad Wolf: "Yeah... big ears. Got ya, toots."
Red Riding Hood: "My, what sharp teeth you have!"
Big Bad Wolf: "Sure, hon. Sharp teeth... "
Red Riding Hood: "My, what a long smelly tail you have!"
Big Bad Wolf: "Lady, will you kindly leave me the hell alone while I'm takin' a dump!"
* * *
My girlfriend doesn't believe Emperor Nero had a dick, just because she doesn't see one on his statues. Me, I think that's a phallusy.
* * *
He: "And what do you want for Valentine's Day?"
She: "A divorce!"
He: "Sorry... I hadn't planned to spend that much."
* * *
Q: I sound like a sneeze, but I actually come from the foot. What am I?
A: A shoe.
* * *
A blond city girl travels to the country for a holiday. She wonders along the rabbit trails, enjoying the woodland, when she happens on a local farmer.
"Hey, rube!" she calls out. "What the heck are those little brown pellets all over the ground?"
"Us country folk call 'em Clever Pills," the local returns. "Eat one and you'll get smart!"
"What a neat idea!" the blonde chirps and pops one into her mouth. A few seconds later, however, her face screws up in disgust.
"Eeeeyuuuuu!" she screeches. "Those pills taste like shit!"
"See?" the farmer chuckles. "Yer wisin' up already!"
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