Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My girlfriend doesn't think I'm woke enough. She says she wants me to study up on feminism. I told her I didn't have the time... it's a broad topic.
Despite all the variants, there's never been an Australian Spider Man. That's because Australian Peter Parker didn't survive the spider bite.
No Australian Spider Man, it's true. The only thing to come out of Australia is Venom.
My girlfriend invited me over Sunday... turned out she'd prepared a pigeon dinner. Unfortunately, I'd eaten a heavy lunch that day and didn't have much appetite, so she served me a smidgeon.
Ukrainian pessimist: "Almost 200 thousand Russian troops on our border! Things couldn't get worse!"
Ukrainian optimist: "Don't be silly! Of course they can!"
I earned my BA, but no one wanted to hire me. They told me I was worthless! So I studied harder and received my Masters; still, no one offered me a job. Finally, I achieved my PhD! I figured nobody could deny me work after that! Even then, employers drove me away and insulted me! I'm sick to death of getting third degree burns!
Weeks after her disappearance, cops found Raggedy Ann's dead and disheveled body in an abandoned quarry with her mouth jammed full of gravel. The evening papers were not kind... they referred to her as a dirty cotton rock sucker.
My cousin's a competitive bodybuilder and I'm sorry to have to report that he injects steroids. Why did he feel compelled to start using chemical cheats? I suppose he simply lost his whey.
The rapper 50 Cent performed at this year's Super Bowl halftime show. He came on after two quarters.
Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford snacked on pastries before playing against Cincinnati. If asked, I would have recommended bearclaws instead of turnovers.
When I die, I want the Cincinnati Bengals to be my pallbearers. They're clearly experts at letting people down.
Last time I was at Target, the kids bugged me to get 'em a toy. I said okay and they picked out a cannister filled with these multi-colored balls. Once home, they plunked one of them into a glass of water. Low and behold, a couple of days later it had fattened up to 10 times its original size! It was positively orbeez!
"We just got the results from your STD test, Mr. Ash."
"Hey, doc! My name is Jones, not Ash!"
"Oh, quite right. Sorry about that. It was an understandable mistake, though... based on this readout, I assumed you were trying to catch them all."
Recent PSA: "Let's all put a stop to VD. Apart from that, Happy alentine's ay!"
For the past twenty years I've gotten a Valentine's Day card from a secret admirer; you can imagine my consternation then when I failed to receive one this year. It's been so upsetting! First, my 90 year old granny dies, now this!
Blonde: "My pussy smells just like roses!"
Redhead: "Don't get uppity about it! I've been to Rose's house and her cat smells like sardines!"
My girlfriend claimed there was no such word as "gullible" in the dictionary. So I looked it up in Webster's just to show her. She didn't trust that source, so I found it in American Heritage too. She was still skeptical, so I went as far as to find in in The Oxford English dictionary, the ultimate authority. I finally proved my case, but for some reason she finds that funny.
Hear about the psycho who murdered his mother then ate her body? He suffered from an edible complex.
These social distancing mandates are so petty and tyrannical! I mean, seriously... how long before I'm allowed closer to a school than 300 feet?
When Batman was a child, he was constantly beaten up by bullies. His civilian name might have encouraged it: Bruise Wayne.
I finally found a chocolate bar that'll be okay even if I forget it in my shirt pocket and send it through the washer/dryer cycle. It just ends up in the Lindt trap.
Blonde: "Will this thermos hold six cups of coffee?"
Barista: "It certainly will, ma'am!"
Blonde: "Fill her up, then! I want two black, two with cream and sugar, one cappuccino and one decaf!"
* * *
Despite all the variants, there's never been an Australian Spider Man. That's because Australian Peter Parker didn't survive the spider bite.
* * *
No Australian Spider Man, it's true. The only thing to come out of Australia is Venom.
* * *
My girlfriend invited me over Sunday... turned out she'd prepared a pigeon dinner. Unfortunately, I'd eaten a heavy lunch that day and didn't have much appetite, so she served me a smidgeon.
* * *
Ukrainian pessimist: "Almost 200 thousand Russian troops on our border! Things couldn't get worse!"
Ukrainian optimist: "Don't be silly! Of course they can!"
* * *
I earned my BA, but no one wanted to hire me. They told me I was worthless! So I studied harder and received my Masters; still, no one offered me a job. Finally, I achieved my PhD! I figured nobody could deny me work after that! Even then, employers drove me away and insulted me! I'm sick to death of getting third degree burns!
* * *
Weeks after her disappearance, cops found Raggedy Ann's dead and disheveled body in an abandoned quarry with her mouth jammed full of gravel. The evening papers were not kind... they referred to her as a dirty cotton rock sucker.
* * *
My cousin's a competitive bodybuilder and I'm sorry to have to report that he injects steroids. Why did he feel compelled to start using chemical cheats? I suppose he simply lost his whey.
* * *
The rapper 50 Cent performed at this year's Super Bowl halftime show. He came on after two quarters.
* * *
Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford snacked on pastries before playing against Cincinnati. If asked, I would have recommended bearclaws instead of turnovers.
* * *
When I die, I want the Cincinnati Bengals to be my pallbearers. They're clearly experts at letting people down.
* * *
Last time I was at Target, the kids bugged me to get 'em a toy. I said okay and they picked out a cannister filled with these multi-colored balls. Once home, they plunked one of them into a glass of water. Low and behold, a couple of days later it had fattened up to 10 times its original size! It was positively orbeez!
* * *
"We just got the results from your STD test, Mr. Ash."
"Hey, doc! My name is Jones, not Ash!"
"Oh, quite right. Sorry about that. It was an understandable mistake, though... based on this readout, I assumed you were trying to catch them all."
* * *
Recent PSA: "Let's all put a stop to VD. Apart from that, Happy alentine's ay!"
* * *
For the past twenty years I've gotten a Valentine's Day card from a secret admirer; you can imagine my consternation then when I failed to receive one this year. It's been so upsetting! First, my 90 year old granny dies, now this!
* * *
Blonde: "My pussy smells just like roses!"
Redhead: "Don't get uppity about it! I've been to Rose's house and her cat smells like sardines!"
* * *
My girlfriend claimed there was no such word as "gullible" in the dictionary. So I looked it up in Webster's just to show her. She didn't trust that source, so I found it in American Heritage too. She was still skeptical, so I went as far as to find in in The Oxford English dictionary, the ultimate authority. I finally proved my case, but for some reason she finds that funny.
* * *
Hear about the psycho who murdered his mother then ate her body? He suffered from an edible complex.
* * *
These social distancing mandates are so petty and tyrannical! I mean, seriously... how long before I'm allowed closer to a school than 300 feet?
* * *
When Batman was a child, he was constantly beaten up by bullies. His civilian name might have encouraged it: Bruise Wayne.
* * *
I finally found a chocolate bar that'll be okay even if I forget it in my shirt pocket and send it through the washer/dryer cycle. It just ends up in the Lindt trap.
* * *
Blonde: "Will this thermos hold six cups of coffee?"
Barista: "It certainly will, ma'am!"
Blonde: "Fill her up, then! I want two black, two with cream and sugar, one cappuccino and one decaf!"
