Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
No one is allowed to swim in the Rhine River. It is strictly for boatin'.
My wife got everything in the divorce, even the video of our wedding ceremony. I just can't see myself getting married again after that.
He: "Hey gorgeous! Got a date for Valentine's Day?'
She: "You bet, sport. February 14th, isn't it?"
Someone broke into my house and stole my whole bedroom set! I will not rest until I find the thief!
"Word around town is that you have a boat for sale. Is that true?"
"Yeah. Got two cars, a Toyota an' a Lincoln. Bot' are for sale."
Kids these days don't know what good clean fun is. Frankly, I don't know what good it is either.
Q: This action starts with an "m", ends in "arriage" and is the fondest hope of every man. What is it?
A: Miscarriage.
I just started a crash diet. After my DUI accident, I'm eating only jailhouse food.
Hydra put out a contract on Tony Stark's parents. You'd think that would be expensive, but it only cost them one Buck.
Left my wallet on the counter... someone stole my ID. Just call me an IOT!
A brick and a ginger are both red, but only one of them is going to get laid.
For Valentine's Day, I reserved a dimly lit table for two. But it didn't go well... turns out she doesn't like billiards at all.
An ex-porn star tried to get work at a gas station, but it didn't work out. Every time the tank was almost full, he'd pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the fender.
My advice: don't say "no" to drugs! Don't say "yes", either! Don't talk to 'em at all!
Neutron, to proton: "Quit preening! You'll never be a star!"
My brother's an optician. Yesterday, he was careless and got caught in the lens grinder; made quite a spectacle of himself.
After exhaustive research, scientists now know exactly how much sleep the average human needs. The answer is: just five minutes more!
My neighbor works at our police station; he sketches suspect likenesses from witness descriptions. It's baffling... why would a cop also be a con artist?
Jesus was referred to as the Lamb of God, right? And Mary was the mother of Jesus... so does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
Q: What happened to Judas after he ratted out our Lord?
A: He entered the Jehovah's Witness Protection program.
My dad always told me that I'd never amount to anything if I sat staring out the window all day. But did I show him! You should have seen his face as I handed him his burger and fries!
Brunette: "Are you really taking a physics class?"
Blonde: "You bet! Pretty soon I'll be smarter than you!"
Brunette: "Okay, let's test you. What is Newton's third law?"
Blonde: "Hey, dummy! I'm studying to be a scientist, not a lawyer!"
* * *
My wife got everything in the divorce, even the video of our wedding ceremony. I just can't see myself getting married again after that.
* * *
He: "Hey gorgeous! Got a date for Valentine's Day?'
She: "You bet, sport. February 14th, isn't it?"
* * *
Someone broke into my house and stole my whole bedroom set! I will not rest until I find the thief!
* * *
"Word around town is that you have a boat for sale. Is that true?"
"Yeah. Got two cars, a Toyota an' a Lincoln. Bot' are for sale."
* * *
Kids these days don't know what good clean fun is. Frankly, I don't know what good it is either.
* * *
Q: This action starts with an "m", ends in "arriage" and is the fondest hope of every man. What is it?
A: Miscarriage.
* * *
I just started a crash diet. After my DUI accident, I'm eating only jailhouse food.
* * *
Hydra put out a contract on Tony Stark's parents. You'd think that would be expensive, but it only cost them one Buck.
* * *
Left my wallet on the counter... someone stole my ID. Just call me an IOT!
* * *
A brick and a ginger are both red, but only one of them is going to get laid.
* * *
For Valentine's Day, I reserved a dimly lit table for two. But it didn't go well... turns out she doesn't like billiards at all.
* * *
An ex-porn star tried to get work at a gas station, but it didn't work out. Every time the tank was almost full, he'd pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the fender.
* * *
My advice: don't say "no" to drugs! Don't say "yes", either! Don't talk to 'em at all!
* * *
Neutron, to proton: "Quit preening! You'll never be a star!"
* * *
My brother's an optician. Yesterday, he was careless and got caught in the lens grinder; made quite a spectacle of himself.
* * *
After exhaustive research, scientists now know exactly how much sleep the average human needs. The answer is: just five minutes more!
* * *
My neighbor works at our police station; he sketches suspect likenesses from witness descriptions. It's baffling... why would a cop also be a con artist?
* * *
Jesus was referred to as the Lamb of God, right? And Mary was the mother of Jesus... so does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
* * *
Q: What happened to Judas after he ratted out our Lord?
A: He entered the Jehovah's Witness Protection program.
* * *
My dad always told me that I'd never amount to anything if I sat staring out the window all day. But did I show him! You should have seen his face as I handed him his burger and fries!
* * *
Brunette: "Are you really taking a physics class?"
Blonde: "You bet! Pretty soon I'll be smarter than you!"
Brunette: "Okay, let's test you. What is Newton's third law?"
Blonde: "Hey, dummy! I'm studying to be a scientist, not a lawyer!"
