Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I’ve had so many bad teeth that every time I feel even a little pain in my mouth, I head for the dentist. I know the drill by now.
A warehouse owner bought a Komodo dragon instead of a watch dog to guard his property. It keeps a very close eye on everyone coming in or out; it is, after all, a monitor lizard.
My doctor promised me I’d walk again. I was skeptical, but I now stand corrected.
“Finding Nemo” “WALL-E” and “Ratatouille” were all made by Pixar and they’re all fine films. But “Finding Nemo” has one thing the others don’t: efficiency.
I saw a wanted poster for a desperate criminal: “$500 offered for information about the whereabouts of this felon. No questions asked.” It turns out I knew the guy’s hideout and went to the station house to claim the money, but I didn’t get it. Why, oh why, didn’t they ask me a few questions?
“How do you like my pet peacocks?”
“I think they’re pretty fowl.”
“Why would you say such a thing? The rest of my friends find them gorgeous!”
To get caught up for the coming final season of “Game of Thrones”, my wife and I watched all the previous episodes back to back. Unfortunately, I had to watch them in a mirror.
An Icelandic man married his Cuban sweetheart and moved her to his remote research outpost at the North Pole. They now lead idyllic lives producing a wide assortment of little Ice Cubes.
I know it seems impossible, but every night I sleep standing up! I’m not kidding you! Why would I lie?
Bookstore patron: “ Do you have that new book about tortoises?”
Bookstore owner: “Hardcover?”
Bookstore patron: “That’s right! Little head and legs, too!”
My brother has a very strange job: he runs the fog machine for local stage productions. How does he make any money doing this? It’s mystifying!
A blond rookie cop has staked out coin-operated washing machines for months, looking for guys who clean their jeans without removing all the change. So far, she’s arrested 12 of them for money laundering.
Robin Hood referred to Maid Marian as his most precious arrow... she was all aquiver in the presence of her beau.
My girlfriend was getting tired of our old sex routine and wanted to try some role playing. I suggested we asume characters from the “Fast and Furious” movies, and it worked after a fashion... I was fast and she was furious.
Hear about the famous rabbit who’s had a long-term affair with a chicken? No wonder he hides all those eggs each Easter!
Floozie: “Hi there, handsome! My, ain’t you a tall drink of water!”
Tough guy: “You said it, babe! I ain’t your average mug!”
I have a sneaking suspicion my puppy Carl is a communist. It’s the approach he uses to define personal property... Carl marks.
Jeffrey Dahmer had a sensitive stomach and couldn’t tolerate even a trace of pepper when preparing his meals. It went hand-in-hand with his general disdain for humanity... he’d always de-spiced his neighbors.
My girlfriend told me she wanted to get into anal. Sounded like a cool idea until I saw her strap-on dildo.
If SETI ever does contact an alien species, there’ll be nationwide consequences. What would be the most vexing issue to face resident Trump?
Where to build the wall.
I’ve been hearing all the anti-vaxxer humor going around, and let me tell you, I’m getting mighty sick and tired. Guess I should have had the shots after all.
A Redhead, a brunette and a blonde die and stand before the Gates of Heaven, but face a tough test before they can enter. In front of the Gates is a stairway with one hundred steps. On each step, a cruel joke is written and if they laugh at even one of the jokes, they head straight for Hell.
The Redhead goes first. She reaches the 29th step, but then laughs at a nasty joke about the Chinese and heads straight for Hell.
The Brunette goes next. She reaches the 51st step, but then laughs at an ugly joke about dyslexics and heads straight for Hell.
The Blonde goes last. She proceeds all the way to the 99th step, but then starts laughing hysterically and heads straight for Hell.
“You were so close!” moans God. “Why didn’t you hold your laughter for just one more step?”
“I couldn’t help it!” chuckles the blonde as she falls. “I just got the first joke!”[/FONT]
* * *
A warehouse owner bought a Komodo dragon instead of a watch dog to guard his property. It keeps a very close eye on everyone coming in or out; it is, after all, a monitor lizard.
* * *
My doctor promised me I’d walk again. I was skeptical, but I now stand corrected.
* * *
“Finding Nemo” “WALL-E” and “Ratatouille” were all made by Pixar and they’re all fine films. But “Finding Nemo” has one thing the others don’t: efficiency.
* * *
I saw a wanted poster for a desperate criminal: “$500 offered for information about the whereabouts of this felon. No questions asked.” It turns out I knew the guy’s hideout and went to the station house to claim the money, but I didn’t get it. Why, oh why, didn’t they ask me a few questions?
* * *
“How do you like my pet peacocks?”
“I think they’re pretty fowl.”
“Why would you say such a thing? The rest of my friends find them gorgeous!”
* * *
To get caught up for the coming final season of “Game of Thrones”, my wife and I watched all the previous episodes back to back. Unfortunately, I had to watch them in a mirror.
* * *
An Icelandic man married his Cuban sweetheart and moved her to his remote research outpost at the North Pole. They now lead idyllic lives producing a wide assortment of little Ice Cubes.
* * *
I know it seems impossible, but every night I sleep standing up! I’m not kidding you! Why would I lie?
* * *
Bookstore patron: “ Do you have that new book about tortoises?”
Bookstore owner: “Hardcover?”
Bookstore patron: “That’s right! Little head and legs, too!”
* * *
My brother has a very strange job: he runs the fog machine for local stage productions. How does he make any money doing this? It’s mystifying!
* * *
A blond rookie cop has staked out coin-operated washing machines for months, looking for guys who clean their jeans without removing all the change. So far, she’s arrested 12 of them for money laundering.
* * *
Robin Hood referred to Maid Marian as his most precious arrow... she was all aquiver in the presence of her beau.
* * *
My girlfriend was getting tired of our old sex routine and wanted to try some role playing. I suggested we asume characters from the “Fast and Furious” movies, and it worked after a fashion... I was fast and she was furious.
* * *
Hear about the famous rabbit who’s had a long-term affair with a chicken? No wonder he hides all those eggs each Easter!
* * *
Floozie: “Hi there, handsome! My, ain’t you a tall drink of water!”
Tough guy: “You said it, babe! I ain’t your average mug!”
* * *
I have a sneaking suspicion my puppy Carl is a communist. It’s the approach he uses to define personal property... Carl marks.
* * *
Jeffrey Dahmer had a sensitive stomach and couldn’t tolerate even a trace of pepper when preparing his meals. It went hand-in-hand with his general disdain for humanity... he’d always de-spiced his neighbors.
* * *
My girlfriend told me she wanted to get into anal. Sounded like a cool idea until I saw her strap-on dildo.
* * *
If SETI ever does contact an alien species, there’ll be nationwide consequences. What would be the most vexing issue to face resident Trump?
Where to build the wall.
* * *
I’ve been hearing all the anti-vaxxer humor going around, and let me tell you, I’m getting mighty sick and tired. Guess I should have had the shots after all.
* * *
A Redhead, a brunette and a blonde die and stand before the Gates of Heaven, but face a tough test before they can enter. In front of the Gates is a stairway with one hundred steps. On each step, a cruel joke is written and if they laugh at even one of the jokes, they head straight for Hell.
The Redhead goes first. She reaches the 29th step, but then laughs at a nasty joke about the Chinese and heads straight for Hell.
The Brunette goes next. She reaches the 51st step, but then laughs at an ugly joke about dyslexics and heads straight for Hell.
The Blonde goes last. She proceeds all the way to the 99th step, but then starts laughing hysterically and heads straight for Hell.
“You were so close!” moans God. “Why didn’t you hold your laughter for just one more step?”
“I couldn’t help it!” chuckles the blonde as she falls. “I just got the first joke!”[/FONT]
