Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Subway Jerod became famous by lowering his waist size. Even today he’d like to get into a smaller pair of pants.
Hear about the blonde athlete who won a gold medal at the Olympics? She wanted to remember the moment, so she had it bronzed.
A drill sergeant enters a drug store and orders 1000 condoms.
“Good lord!” exclaims the clerk. “Are all these for you?”
“More or less,” replies the noncom. “Most of ‘em are for my privates.”
Teacher: “Little Johnny, in which year did Columbus discover America?”
Johnny: “Hmmm... that’s an interesting question, ma’am. What do you think?”
Teacher: “Don’t ask me what I think! I don’t think! I know!”
Johnny: “Ah! If you don’t think you know, I can see why you’re so eager to find out!”
I always hold the car door open for a lady. Makes it so much easier to kick her out.
It’s ridiculously easy to graduate from Pirate University. All you need is high C’s.
Teacher: “Write “55” on the blackboard, please.”
Blond student: “How do I do that?”
Teacher: (sigh) “Just put down a “5”, then put another “5” alongside it.”
Student: “..........”
Teacher: “We’ll, what’s the problem?”
Student: “I can’t figure out which side to put it on.”
To raise funds, a monastery retreat began to serve meals to the public. It became quite popular for its English-style fish luncheon, and one day I was called upon to cart an order of potatoes to the kitchen.
“Hey!” I called out to the first man I saw with an apron, “I have a delivery here. Are you one of the friars?”
“Yep, I’m a fryer,” he replied, “You can leave those potatoes with me. I’ll store them away; I’m a chip monk.”
A road worker goes to his foreman with a shovel lodged in his skull.
“Oh, hi Dug,” the foreman drawls. “Better see the camp doctor.”
A few minutes later, the man returns. The shovel has been removed and his head is bandaged.
“Ah, that’s much better,” the foreman approves. “Back to work, Dug-less.”
There are two kinds of people in the world. The best kind can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Never take medication at McDonalds if your meal comes with fries. You have to be awfully careful about side effects.
I tried to tell my little son about the Pluto controversy. He told me he didn’t need ex-planetary notes.
Did you know that hives has special chamber where the drones can dump their bodily fluids? It’s known colloquially as a BP station.
Life becomes more enjoyable as you grow older. Infants may not dig the infantry, but adults as just wild about adultery!
An old trick to overcome public speaking nervousness is to imagine your audience naked. Note: this tactic may not work at nudist camps. And it’s absolutely discouraged at elementary schools.
Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I go the the bathroom?”
Teacher: “May I go to the bathroom.”
Johnny: “Hey, I asked first.”
Studies indicate that beavers are responsible for most of the flooding in our county. The evidence against them is damming.
How does a blind sky diver know he’s getting close to the ground?
His guide dog’s leash goes slack.
My wife says I’m a hypochondriac. Don’t blame me for it; it’s an illness.
Mark Hamill has a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Not James Earl Jones; he has a Death Star.
I’m irresistibly drawn to fat girls. Fucking gravity...
Lawyers have been likened to prostitutes, but really that’s a pretty poor comparison. A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you’re dead.[/FONT]
* * *
Hear about the blonde athlete who won a gold medal at the Olympics? She wanted to remember the moment, so she had it bronzed.
* * *
A drill sergeant enters a drug store and orders 1000 condoms.
“Good lord!” exclaims the clerk. “Are all these for you?”
“More or less,” replies the noncom. “Most of ‘em are for my privates.”
* * *
Teacher: “Little Johnny, in which year did Columbus discover America?”
Johnny: “Hmmm... that’s an interesting question, ma’am. What do you think?”
Teacher: “Don’t ask me what I think! I don’t think! I know!”
Johnny: “Ah! If you don’t think you know, I can see why you’re so eager to find out!”
* * *
I always hold the car door open for a lady. Makes it so much easier to kick her out.
* * *
It’s ridiculously easy to graduate from Pirate University. All you need is high C’s.
* * *
Teacher: “Write “55” on the blackboard, please.”
Blond student: “How do I do that?”
Teacher: (sigh) “Just put down a “5”, then put another “5” alongside it.”
Student: “..........”
Teacher: “We’ll, what’s the problem?”
Student: “I can’t figure out which side to put it on.”
* * *
To raise funds, a monastery retreat began to serve meals to the public. It became quite popular for its English-style fish luncheon, and one day I was called upon to cart an order of potatoes to the kitchen.
“Hey!” I called out to the first man I saw with an apron, “I have a delivery here. Are you one of the friars?”
“Yep, I’m a fryer,” he replied, “You can leave those potatoes with me. I’ll store them away; I’m a chip monk.”
* * *
A road worker goes to his foreman with a shovel lodged in his skull.
“Oh, hi Dug,” the foreman drawls. “Better see the camp doctor.”
A few minutes later, the man returns. The shovel has been removed and his head is bandaged.
“Ah, that’s much better,” the foreman approves. “Back to work, Dug-less.”
* * *
There are two kinds of people in the world. The best kind can extrapolate from incomplete data.
* * *
Never take medication at McDonalds if your meal comes with fries. You have to be awfully careful about side effects.
* * *
I tried to tell my little son about the Pluto controversy. He told me he didn’t need ex-planetary notes.
* * *
Did you know that hives has special chamber where the drones can dump their bodily fluids? It’s known colloquially as a BP station.
* * *
Life becomes more enjoyable as you grow older. Infants may not dig the infantry, but adults as just wild about adultery!
* * *
An old trick to overcome public speaking nervousness is to imagine your audience naked. Note: this tactic may not work at nudist camps. And it’s absolutely discouraged at elementary schools.
* * *
Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I go the the bathroom?”
Teacher: “May I go to the bathroom.”
Johnny: “Hey, I asked first.”
* * *
Studies indicate that beavers are responsible for most of the flooding in our county. The evidence against them is damming.
* * *
How does a blind sky diver know he’s getting close to the ground?
His guide dog’s leash goes slack.
* * *
My wife says I’m a hypochondriac. Don’t blame me for it; it’s an illness.
* * *
Mark Hamill has a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Not James Earl Jones; he has a Death Star.
* * *
I’m irresistibly drawn to fat girls. Fucking gravity...
* * *
Lawyers have been likened to prostitutes, but really that’s a pretty poor comparison. A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you’re dead.[/FONT]
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