Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Robin Hood's girlfriend was responsible for keeping all of his Merry Men merry. That's how she came to be known as Made Marian.
My dumb son drank a whole bottle of invisible ink, so I've taken him to the emergency room. The doctor's waiting to see him.
After Adam and Eve ate the apple, they knew they'd soon hear from God. It was a matter of core respondence.
My wife says I get real mean when I drink Irish whisky. So, I've switched to Canadian whisky; I still get mean, but now I'm sorry about it.
It's said that every time God closes a door, he opens a window. Actually, that's frequently said about Putin, too.
My brother is a werewolf, but he's not a very good one. Try as he might, he's not able to transform during full moon nights. He's a victim of lycan't-thropy.
Harry Potter was supposed to buy himself a wand for performing magic at Hoggwarts, but he got confused and picked out a frying pan instead. Now the only spell he can do is cast iron.
I was thrown out of a wine tasting the other day. The priest became really irate when I spit it out.
Q: A solar-eclipse takes place when the Moon comes between the Earth and the Sun. A lunar-eclipse happens when the Earth comes between the Sun and the Moon. What occurs when the Sun comes between the Earth and the Moon?
A: An apoc-eclipse.
I thought it would be a nice gesture to bring a movie to our local orphanage for the kids to enjoy. Well, it turned out to be a disaster... the title I picked out was PG-13.
Q: If Joe Biden and Donald Trump were given battle axes and told to fight to the death, who would win?
A: The spectators.
When my baby boy was delivered, I didn't like the look of him so I took him to the baby market for a refund.
"Sorry, sir," I was told. "We aren't allowed to hand out cash. You can, however, get stork credit."
Bugs Bunny finds himself at a medical convention. He notices a cardiologist and asks him, "What's up, doc?" Next, he encounters a neurologist and asks, "What's up, doc?" Finally he comes face to face with a proctologist. Wisely, he keeps his mouth shut.
For years, I'd heard that our local golf course is supposed to haunted, but I never knew by what. Well, today I learned the truth... turns out I'm the bogeyman.
She: "Jerk! You're acting exactly like my ex-husband!"
He: "You never told me you had en ex-husband!"
She: "I haven't... yet!"
I've been trying to eat dairy free, but the only time I can get it to work is when I visit my parents. Everyplace else, I get charged.
The most appropriate time to eat pork sausage: Ground Hog Day.
I entered my pussy, Mr. Snuggles, in a rather silly contest: the Sexiest Feline Derriere competition. The result? A catastrophe!
A pig saunters into a tattoo parlor and addresses the proprietor.
"I want a tattoo," he snorts. "Something that'll impress the lady hogs. Come up with something that'll make me look like I'm rich."
The artist gets to work. In five minutes, he inks a coin slot onto his client's back."
The boss at my workplace is now offering us free funeral expenses. That's what I think the money's for, anyway... he says it's a cost of living adjustment.
If a tomato is technically a fruit... does that make ketchup technically a smoothie?
Whale #1: "Have you seen the new whale that's been swimmin' around here lately? That gal is freaky!"
Whale #2: "Whadda ya mean?"
Whale #1: "First, she don't say a word, no matter how I come onto her. Second, she's got this weird hammer and sickle tattoo. Third, every time she gives birth, the baby swims away from her like mad, then blows up!"
* * *
My dumb son drank a whole bottle of invisible ink, so I've taken him to the emergency room. The doctor's waiting to see him.
* * *
After Adam and Eve ate the apple, they knew they'd soon hear from God. It was a matter of core respondence.
* * *
My wife says I get real mean when I drink Irish whisky. So, I've switched to Canadian whisky; I still get mean, but now I'm sorry about it.
* * *
It's said that every time God closes a door, he opens a window. Actually, that's frequently said about Putin, too.
* * *
My brother is a werewolf, but he's not a very good one. Try as he might, he's not able to transform during full moon nights. He's a victim of lycan't-thropy.
* * *
Harry Potter was supposed to buy himself a wand for performing magic at Hoggwarts, but he got confused and picked out a frying pan instead. Now the only spell he can do is cast iron.
* * *
I was thrown out of a wine tasting the other day. The priest became really irate when I spit it out.
* * *
Q: A solar-eclipse takes place when the Moon comes between the Earth and the Sun. A lunar-eclipse happens when the Earth comes between the Sun and the Moon. What occurs when the Sun comes between the Earth and the Moon?
A: An apoc-eclipse.
* * *
I thought it would be a nice gesture to bring a movie to our local orphanage for the kids to enjoy. Well, it turned out to be a disaster... the title I picked out was PG-13.
* * *
Q: If Joe Biden and Donald Trump were given battle axes and told to fight to the death, who would win?
A: The spectators.
* * *
When my baby boy was delivered, I didn't like the look of him so I took him to the baby market for a refund.
"Sorry, sir," I was told. "We aren't allowed to hand out cash. You can, however, get stork credit."
* * *
Bugs Bunny finds himself at a medical convention. He notices a cardiologist and asks him, "What's up, doc?" Next, he encounters a neurologist and asks, "What's up, doc?" Finally he comes face to face with a proctologist. Wisely, he keeps his mouth shut.
* * *
For years, I'd heard that our local golf course is supposed to haunted, but I never knew by what. Well, today I learned the truth... turns out I'm the bogeyman.
* * *
She: "Jerk! You're acting exactly like my ex-husband!"
He: "You never told me you had en ex-husband!"
She: "I haven't... yet!"
* * *
I've been trying to eat dairy free, but the only time I can get it to work is when I visit my parents. Everyplace else, I get charged.
* * *
The most appropriate time to eat pork sausage: Ground Hog Day.
* * *
I entered my pussy, Mr. Snuggles, in a rather silly contest: the Sexiest Feline Derriere competition. The result? A catastrophe!
* * *
A pig saunters into a tattoo parlor and addresses the proprietor.
"I want a tattoo," he snorts. "Something that'll impress the lady hogs. Come up with something that'll make me look like I'm rich."
The artist gets to work. In five minutes, he inks a coin slot onto his client's back."
* * *
The boss at my workplace is now offering us free funeral expenses. That's what I think the money's for, anyway... he says it's a cost of living adjustment.
* * *
If a tomato is technically a fruit... does that make ketchup technically a smoothie?
* * *
Whale #1: "Have you seen the new whale that's been swimmin' around here lately? That gal is freaky!"
Whale #2: "Whadda ya mean?"
Whale #1: "First, she don't say a word, no matter how I come onto her. Second, she's got this weird hammer and sickle tattoo. Third, every time she gives birth, the baby swims away from her like mad, then blows up!"
