Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Halftime score of the most boring Super Bowl ever:
Rams-0
Patriots-3
Maroon 5.
Every dog is a therapy animal. It’s just that most of them don’t work professionally.
All dogs work pro bono.
My wife is furious with me, simply because I did some of her housework. To be fair, I was pretty drunk. To be really fair, I vacuumed up one of her contact lenses. To be really really fair, she was wearing it at the time.
She: “I can’t believe you’re seeing prostitutes! How can you do this to me? I’m your wife!”
He: “Well it’s not like I’m not getting anything from you!”
She: “You never told me you were willing to pay for it!”
My brother prefers yoga to western exercise. It’s a strange position to take.
Cop: “We have your daughter in custody. She was trying to burn down the school.”
Dad: “What? Arson?!”
Cop: “You mean that kid’s a boy? No wonder he’s so screwed up!”
The law is after me: at work today, I download some porn onto my computer and caused everything to crash. Ordinarily the police wouldn’t get involved, but I’m an air traffic controller.
Two toothpicks are wandering through the woods, when a hedgehog strolls by.
“Damn!” says one. “We walked all this way and they have bus service!”
The older Popes are more conscientious about their duties. Every few hours you can find them making holy water.
Victim: “I was just assaulted by my neighbor! You’ll have no trouble spotting him... he’s got a club foot.”
Cop: “Name?”
Victim: “John Smith.”
Cop: “What’s the other one called?”
I recently spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.
The Catholic Church’s growing licentiousness is likely to cause its downfall. It’s chock full of loose canons.
“Every letter in the alphabet is pronounced with one syllable; all of them except for ‘W’. “
“That isn’t true at all. Ministers constantly pronounce ‘U’ ‘man and wife’. “
Garment workers who color the cloth never crack jokes. None of them wants to dye laughing.
The difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream? French vanilla is a lot more yellow.
Romance with a cougar worked out great for everyone. She got to brag she was dating a young stud; I got to pass 8th grade.
“Mommy, what’s an ‘orgasm’ ?
“I don’t know, hon. Ask your father.”
There’s a superficial similarity between a duck and a goose, but the basic difference is obvious: if you goose, you get hit.
You should never hold sodium in your bare hand. Do so, and you’ll have napalm.
No matter what you’re doing, anywhere or anytime, God is watching you. Man, what a boring job!
My mother-in-law was abducted during her vacation. When the kidnappers called, I asked if $1,000 would be sufficient.
“Hell no!” the man on the phone replied. “We don’t have nearly that much!”[/FONT]
Rams-0
Patriots-3
Maroon 5.
* * *
Every dog is a therapy animal. It’s just that most of them don’t work professionally.
* * *
All dogs work pro bono.
* * *
My wife is furious with me, simply because I did some of her housework. To be fair, I was pretty drunk. To be really fair, I vacuumed up one of her contact lenses. To be really really fair, she was wearing it at the time.
* * *
She: “I can’t believe you’re seeing prostitutes! How can you do this to me? I’m your wife!”
He: “Well it’s not like I’m not getting anything from you!”
She: “You never told me you were willing to pay for it!”
* * *
My brother prefers yoga to western exercise. It’s a strange position to take.
* * *
Cop: “We have your daughter in custody. She was trying to burn down the school.”
Dad: “What? Arson?!”
Cop: “You mean that kid’s a boy? No wonder he’s so screwed up!”
* * *
The law is after me: at work today, I download some porn onto my computer and caused everything to crash. Ordinarily the police wouldn’t get involved, but I’m an air traffic controller.
* * *
Two toothpicks are wandering through the woods, when a hedgehog strolls by.
“Damn!” says one. “We walked all this way and they have bus service!”
* * *
The older Popes are more conscientious about their duties. Every few hours you can find them making holy water.
* * *
Victim: “I was just assaulted by my neighbor! You’ll have no trouble spotting him... he’s got a club foot.”
Cop: “Name?”
Victim: “John Smith.”
Cop: “What’s the other one called?”
* * *
I recently spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.
* * *
The Catholic Church’s growing licentiousness is likely to cause its downfall. It’s chock full of loose canons.
* * *
“Every letter in the alphabet is pronounced with one syllable; all of them except for ‘W’. “
“That isn’t true at all. Ministers constantly pronounce ‘U’ ‘man and wife’. “
* * *
Garment workers who color the cloth never crack jokes. None of them wants to dye laughing.
* * *
The difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream? French vanilla is a lot more yellow.
* * *
Romance with a cougar worked out great for everyone. She got to brag she was dating a young stud; I got to pass 8th grade.
* * *
“Mommy, what’s an ‘orgasm’ ?
“I don’t know, hon. Ask your father.”
* * *
There’s a superficial similarity between a duck and a goose, but the basic difference is obvious: if you goose, you get hit.
* * *
You should never hold sodium in your bare hand. Do so, and you’ll have napalm.
* * *
No matter what you’re doing, anywhere or anytime, God is watching you. Man, what a boring job!
* * *
My mother-in-law was abducted during her vacation. When the kidnappers called, I asked if $1,000 would be sufficient.
“Hell no!” the man on the phone replied. “We don’t have nearly that much!”[/FONT]
