Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
"I" before "E" except after "C", huh? That rule's just wierd.
Bill Gates, severely hungover: "Damn... I feel like a million bucks."
I've come up with an invention you can use to look straight through walls. I'm calling it a "window".
My Ozarks uncle says he's turned Buddhist, but I don't think he's gotten the hang of it yet. He tells me he now believes in "reintarnation".
A young man goes into the drug store to buy condoms. It's his first time, so he's nervous.
"That'll be $9.95 with tax," the clerk tells him.
"Jesus!" the guy moans. "I thought they stayed in place by themselves! I didn't know you needed tacks!"
My sister's decided to become a prostitute! What a *****-ifying development!
Wernher Von Braun worked with the USA instead of the Soviets after the war. A smart choice, but not a tough one; not like it was rocket science.
My optometrist is quite enlightened. You might even say he's a visionary.
Q: Which state is best known for cherries?
A: Virginia.
Never make Miss Piggy mad. She has a black belt in karate... before you know it, you'll be covered in pork chops!
A couple runs out out Vaseline and winds up using 3 in 1 oil for lubricant. Soon afterward, they have triplets.
"Oh man!" says the husband. " It's a good thing we didn't use WD-40!"
I made a dollar bet with a female coworker and lost. Now I have to pay her 72 cents.
When you encounter difficulty, don't call it a problem; call it an opportunity. Saying "I have a drinking opportunity" sounds much more positive, doesn't it!
I couldn't afford Beer Nuts, so I decided to try Deer Nuts. They're under a buck.
My boss told me there was an opening that would be perfect for me. I was delighted until he pointed me toward the exit.
One frigid winter morning, a husband receives a text from his wife.
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband types back:
"Slowly apply a cup of lukewarm water, then tap gently with a hammer."
5 minutes later, she texts again.
"Didn't help. Computer won't even turn on now."
I'm a virgin by choice. Not my choice, mind you.
A dentist got into a bar tussle with a manicurist. Reportedly they fought tooth and nail.
The cops pulled me over yesterday. They wanted to know where I was between 6 and 11. I told them the truth: grade school.
That waitress can serve sugar with either hand. She's ambidextrose.
Dang it! I just failed another drug test! At this rate I'll never become a pharmacist.
A plane loses power in all its engines; clearly, it will soon crash, killing everyone onboard. While most of the passengers panic, a statuesque blonde calmly rises to her feet and disrobes.
"If I'm going to die," she states, "I want to go out feeling like a woman. Is anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
All the males are transfixed. Finally, one among them steps forward, undoing his shirt.
"Here," he says, handing it to her. "Iron this."
* * *
Bill Gates, severely hungover: "Damn... I feel like a million bucks."
* * *
I've come up with an invention you can use to look straight through walls. I'm calling it a "window".
* * *
My Ozarks uncle says he's turned Buddhist, but I don't think he's gotten the hang of it yet. He tells me he now believes in "reintarnation".
* * *
A young man goes into the drug store to buy condoms. It's his first time, so he's nervous.
"That'll be $9.95 with tax," the clerk tells him.
"Jesus!" the guy moans. "I thought they stayed in place by themselves! I didn't know you needed tacks!"
* * *
My sister's decided to become a prostitute! What a *****-ifying development!
* * *
Wernher Von Braun worked with the USA instead of the Soviets after the war. A smart choice, but not a tough one; not like it was rocket science.
* * *
My optometrist is quite enlightened. You might even say he's a visionary.
* * *
Q: Which state is best known for cherries?
A: Virginia.
* * *
Never make Miss Piggy mad. She has a black belt in karate... before you know it, you'll be covered in pork chops!
* * *
A couple runs out out Vaseline and winds up using 3 in 1 oil for lubricant. Soon afterward, they have triplets.
"Oh man!" says the husband. " It's a good thing we didn't use WD-40!"
* * *
I made a dollar bet with a female coworker and lost. Now I have to pay her 72 cents.
* * *
When you encounter difficulty, don't call it a problem; call it an opportunity. Saying "I have a drinking opportunity" sounds much more positive, doesn't it!
* * *
I couldn't afford Beer Nuts, so I decided to try Deer Nuts. They're under a buck.
* * *
My boss told me there was an opening that would be perfect for me. I was delighted until he pointed me toward the exit.
* * *
One frigid winter morning, a husband receives a text from his wife.
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband types back:
"Slowly apply a cup of lukewarm water, then tap gently with a hammer."
5 minutes later, she texts again.
"Didn't help. Computer won't even turn on now."
* * *
I'm a virgin by choice. Not my choice, mind you.
* * *
A dentist got into a bar tussle with a manicurist. Reportedly they fought tooth and nail.
* * *
The cops pulled me over yesterday. They wanted to know where I was between 6 and 11. I told them the truth: grade school.
* * *
That waitress can serve sugar with either hand. She's ambidextrose.
* * *
Dang it! I just failed another drug test! At this rate I'll never become a pharmacist.
* * *
A plane loses power in all its engines; clearly, it will soon crash, killing everyone onboard. While most of the passengers panic, a statuesque blonde calmly rises to her feet and disrobes.
"If I'm going to die," she states, "I want to go out feeling like a woman. Is anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
All the males are transfixed. Finally, one among them steps forward, undoing his shirt.
"Here," he says, handing it to her. "Iron this."
Another great crop this week Low Roads. 
