Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
When I was a kid, times were tough... we couldn't even afford fresh water to drink. We were piss poor.
Brunette: "I've been reading about all the rhinos and elephants in Africa that have been killed by poachers! Don't you think it's awful?"
Blonde: "Awful? I don't think it's possible!"
Brunette: "How could you not believe people are poaching elephants?"
Blonde: "I just don't see how you could possibly get one into that much boiling water!"
My wife wants me to eat a healthy breakfast of (ugggh!) oatmeal and prunes with skim milk, and I try my best to please her. Even so, I still long for yummy, hardy breakfast food, like ham and eggs and pancakes. Matter of fact, I sneak out for a pancake meal every once in awhile. Needless to say, I do it syruptitiously.
Q: Waldo, of "Where's Waldo" fame, always looks rather scrawny. Why doesn't he go to the gym for weight training?
A: He doesn't want anyone to spot him.
I told my blond girlfriend she ought to get a boob job to look more attractive; unfortunately, it had the opposite effect. She really should have had both of them done.
It can be difficult to nail Big Oil for improprieties. That's because they have a Shell company.
I left for the tavern in a Ford Focus. After three hours, I came home with an Escort.
A group of filmmakers travel to a remote island and discover a giant ape who is irresistibly attracted to the movie's blond starlet. This hair compulsion is so powerful, the brute follows her to New York City, where his obsession final kills him. You may have heard about this tragic hairy hero whose weird fetish finally does him in: Kink Kong.
My daughter's volleyball team won the state championship and the school held a celebratory party in their honor. Not such a good idea... every time one of the girls went for a drink, they spiked the punch.
That body builder's glutes are out-of-this-world hard, just like rock... an ass steroid, to be exact.
After spending 10 years in a mental institution, my pyromaniac brother is finally coming home! Man, have I missed him! His presence always lights up the room!
The state of our oceans are even worse than I thought... yesterday, I opened up a tin of sardines and you now what I found? It was full of oil and all the fish were dead!
My cousin sneaked into an exclusive trampoline park, but he wasn't there long. He got tossed out by the bouncers.
Q: We all know why a nose can't be 12 inches long in the US, but why can't one be 12 inches long in France?
A: The Europeans take nasal measurements in scentimeters.
I've recently developed a really weird phobia: an intense fear of palindromes. The problem's become so debilitating, I had to go to my doctor for treatment. I had hoped he'd help me, but what does the jackass prescribe? Xanax!
He: "All the problems in our marriage are psychological!"
She: "You said it, buster! Every time I try to be logical, you get psycho!"
My brother took me to see a big Yiddish rap battle. I never knew there was any such thing as Jewish rappers, but there they were: Biggy Schmaltz vs Dr. Dreidel.
Environmentalists say it's important to avoid leaving a large carbon footprint. I'm eager to do my part; even when going short distances, I try my best to drive.
At my last birthday party, I tried little experiment... I cut the cake cleanly down the middle, had the first part of it for dessert at lunch and finished the rest for dessert during dinner. Evidently I did the impossible... you're not supposed to be able to halve your cake and eat it too.
If you want a refreshing summertime beverage, you can't beat lemonade! It's a proven thirst-quencher and practically labor-free to make... the lemons actually cut themselves! How is this possible? Well, as should be obvious, inside every lemon there's an emo.
My girlfriend's all upset... seems her brother suggested she's put on weight. What an insensitive jerk! It was up to me to console her... I told her to keep her chins up.
A bum, bottle in hand, is stumbling down a back alley when he comes across a mugging victim. The poor man has been so badly beaten, all he can do is lie there and moan.
"Get help!" the man gasps. "Get help!"
The bum stares vacantly at him, then at his bottle.
"Don't worry about me, pal," he slurs. "I can quit whenever I want to."
* * *
Brunette: "I've been reading about all the rhinos and elephants in Africa that have been killed by poachers! Don't you think it's awful?"
Blonde: "Awful? I don't think it's possible!"
Brunette: "How could you not believe people are poaching elephants?"
Blonde: "I just don't see how you could possibly get one into that much boiling water!"
* * *
My wife wants me to eat a healthy breakfast of (ugggh!) oatmeal and prunes with skim milk, and I try my best to please her. Even so, I still long for yummy, hardy breakfast food, like ham and eggs and pancakes. Matter of fact, I sneak out for a pancake meal every once in awhile. Needless to say, I do it syruptitiously.
* * *
Q: Waldo, of "Where's Waldo" fame, always looks rather scrawny. Why doesn't he go to the gym for weight training?
A: He doesn't want anyone to spot him.
* * *
I told my blond girlfriend she ought to get a boob job to look more attractive; unfortunately, it had the opposite effect. She really should have had both of them done.
* * *
It can be difficult to nail Big Oil for improprieties. That's because they have a Shell company.
* * *
I left for the tavern in a Ford Focus. After three hours, I came home with an Escort.
* * *
A group of filmmakers travel to a remote island and discover a giant ape who is irresistibly attracted to the movie's blond starlet. This hair compulsion is so powerful, the brute follows her to New York City, where his obsession final kills him. You may have heard about this tragic hairy hero whose weird fetish finally does him in: Kink Kong.
* * *
My daughter's volleyball team won the state championship and the school held a celebratory party in their honor. Not such a good idea... every time one of the girls went for a drink, they spiked the punch.
* * *
That body builder's glutes are out-of-this-world hard, just like rock... an ass steroid, to be exact.
* * *
After spending 10 years in a mental institution, my pyromaniac brother is finally coming home! Man, have I missed him! His presence always lights up the room!
* * *
The state of our oceans are even worse than I thought... yesterday, I opened up a tin of sardines and you now what I found? It was full of oil and all the fish were dead!
* * *
My cousin sneaked into an exclusive trampoline park, but he wasn't there long. He got tossed out by the bouncers.
* * *
Q: We all know why a nose can't be 12 inches long in the US, but why can't one be 12 inches long in France?
A: The Europeans take nasal measurements in scentimeters.
* * *
I've recently developed a really weird phobia: an intense fear of palindromes. The problem's become so debilitating, I had to go to my doctor for treatment. I had hoped he'd help me, but what does the jackass prescribe? Xanax!
* * *
He: "All the problems in our marriage are psychological!"
She: "You said it, buster! Every time I try to be logical, you get psycho!"
* * *
My brother took me to see a big Yiddish rap battle. I never knew there was any such thing as Jewish rappers, but there they were: Biggy Schmaltz vs Dr. Dreidel.
* * *
Environmentalists say it's important to avoid leaving a large carbon footprint. I'm eager to do my part; even when going short distances, I try my best to drive.
* * *
At my last birthday party, I tried little experiment... I cut the cake cleanly down the middle, had the first part of it for dessert at lunch and finished the rest for dessert during dinner. Evidently I did the impossible... you're not supposed to be able to halve your cake and eat it too.
* * *
If you want a refreshing summertime beverage, you can't beat lemonade! It's a proven thirst-quencher and practically labor-free to make... the lemons actually cut themselves! How is this possible? Well, as should be obvious, inside every lemon there's an emo.
* * *
My girlfriend's all upset... seems her brother suggested she's put on weight. What an insensitive jerk! It was up to me to console her... I told her to keep her chins up.
* * *
A bum, bottle in hand, is stumbling down a back alley when he comes across a mugging victim. The poor man has been so badly beaten, all he can do is lie there and moan.
"Get help!" the man gasps. "Get help!"
The bum stares vacantly at him, then at his bottle.
"Don't worry about me, pal," he slurs. "I can quit whenever I want to."
