Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
It's when I take my wife's face in my hands and hold it close to mine...
... that I wish I'd kept a bit more of her.
My ex-wife was rather shallow. That's why I dug a new hole.
NASA just got its budget projection for this year. Looks like the sky's the limit.
My blind German grandfather was deceived during the war. He thought he was joining the "Not See" party.
I just saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam film ever!
Ever read the mystery story of the disappearing sugar cube and the glass of water? It has a mighty sweet solution.
I was caught peeing in public, but at least the cop understood. "Urine trouble," he sympathized.
A much loved philanthropist's corpse leaves its grave and enters a bar.
"Gimme a double whisky," it tells the bartender.
The barkeep shakes his head.
"There've been a lot of different types in this saloon," he says ruefully. "But I've never had a good stiff drink."
I've never understood why ballet dancers go tiptoe. If the choreographer wants taller girls, why not just hire them?
My parrot died yesterday. His last words were: "Man, that bird doesn't look well!"
I deserted my wife during a fishing trip. It left her reeling.
Vicious gangster Al Capone would bludgeon traitors' heads, but he drew the line at blinding them. He did it without batting an eye.
I'm so damned irritated that I never win the lottery! It frustrates me so much, I may just start buying tickets!
A motorcycle officer stops a car on suspicion of drunk driving. As a test, he asks the driver to recite the alphabet backwards. The guy does so instantly.
"Wow!" says the cop, impressed. "I couldn't do that sober!"
The suspect smiles with pride.
"Me either!"
My brother blew off a job-related workshop to see a Giants game. He wound up being run over at the BART station... the danger of being undertrained.
My coworker insists on bullying me; he thinks I won't do anything about it because I'm a pacifist. If he keeps it up, I plan to pass a fist right straight his skull!
A stripper went to her plastic surgeon, intent on getting XXXL implants. The breast was history!
I may have to stop sending these jokes online. My wife tells me they aren't even remotely funny.
Helium is a noble gas. It's easy to speak highly of it.
I always get nervous when I type "7". That's because I know the "&" is near.
My good-for-nothing son got the teenage neighbor girl pregnant! Stuck pinholes in all my condoms.
Three deceased couples approach the Pearl Gates.
"You may not enter!" Saint Peter tells the first. "You loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny!"
"You also may not enter!" he tells the second. "You loved food so much, you married a woman named Candy!"
The woman in the third couple turns to her husband.
"I think we're in trouble, Dick."
... that I wish I'd kept a bit more of her.
* * *
My ex-wife was rather shallow. That's why I dug a new hole.
* * *
NASA just got its budget projection for this year. Looks like the sky's the limit.
* * *
My blind German grandfather was deceived during the war. He thought he was joining the "Not See" party.
* * *
I just saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam film ever!
* * *
Ever read the mystery story of the disappearing sugar cube and the glass of water? It has a mighty sweet solution.
* * *
I was caught peeing in public, but at least the cop understood. "Urine trouble," he sympathized.
* * *
A much loved philanthropist's corpse leaves its grave and enters a bar.
"Gimme a double whisky," it tells the bartender.
The barkeep shakes his head.
"There've been a lot of different types in this saloon," he says ruefully. "But I've never had a good stiff drink."
* * *
I've never understood why ballet dancers go tiptoe. If the choreographer wants taller girls, why not just hire them?
* * *
My parrot died yesterday. His last words were: "Man, that bird doesn't look well!"
* * *
I deserted my wife during a fishing trip. It left her reeling.
* * *
Vicious gangster Al Capone would bludgeon traitors' heads, but he drew the line at blinding them. He did it without batting an eye.
* * *
I'm so damned irritated that I never win the lottery! It frustrates me so much, I may just start buying tickets!
* * *
A motorcycle officer stops a car on suspicion of drunk driving. As a test, he asks the driver to recite the alphabet backwards. The guy does so instantly.
"Wow!" says the cop, impressed. "I couldn't do that sober!"
The suspect smiles with pride.
"Me either!"
* * *
My brother blew off a job-related workshop to see a Giants game. He wound up being run over at the BART station... the danger of being undertrained.
* * *
My coworker insists on bullying me; he thinks I won't do anything about it because I'm a pacifist. If he keeps it up, I plan to pass a fist right straight his skull!
* * *
A stripper went to her plastic surgeon, intent on getting XXXL implants. The breast was history!
* * *
I may have to stop sending these jokes online. My wife tells me they aren't even remotely funny.
* * *
Helium is a noble gas. It's easy to speak highly of it.
* * *
I always get nervous when I type "7". That's because I know the "&" is near.
* * *
My good-for-nothing son got the teenage neighbor girl pregnant! Stuck pinholes in all my condoms.
* * *
Three deceased couples approach the Pearl Gates.
"You may not enter!" Saint Peter tells the first. "You loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny!"
"You also may not enter!" he tells the second. "You loved food so much, you married a woman named Candy!"
The woman in the third couple turns to her husband.
"I think we're in trouble, Dick."
