Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My son made up a rap song about violence never being the answer. I started to tell him that I thought the rhythm was weak, but he beat me to it.
On a nature studies field trip:
Blond student: "Aren't the outdoors awesome, professor? This majestic pine tree, for instance... I wonder what it would have to tell us if it could talk!"
Professor: "The first thing it would probably say is that it's an oak tree."
All the other kids say my ma dresses like a stripper. Maybe she does prefer the cheap, flashy look, but at least she's able to pull it off!
The pen really is mightier than the sword. With a pen, you can change the sword into words.
God, I wish they'd quit playing the national anthem before ball games! It's not that I'm unpatriotic, I just hate country music.
"During the war, I killed two dozen soldiers!"
"During the war, you were an army cook!"
"Not a good one!"
If you want a successful love life, get circumcised. My cousin Jeffrey's a telling example... think women ever looked at him seriously? Nope. He never made the cut.
One butterfly to another: "Wanna watch me make a tsunami in Japan?"
I can truly say my wife's a treasure! You'd need a map and a shovel to find her.
I rescued a little bluebottle from a spider's web and made a pet out of him. Though I'm sorry to say, being trapped like that gave him a severe case of depression. I find this situation personally embarrassing... my fly's been down for weeks.
My wife left me for someone who can screw her better than I ever could. Then again, I did get a divorce lawyer myself.
"Is it true that if you wed on Friday the 13th you'll have an unhappy married life?"
"Sure. Why would Friday the 13th be an exception?"
My son was toasting smores over an open fire when the white filling slid out and dripped all over the red-hot coals. Well, he started acting out... I told him not to be so mallow dramatic.
Q: What is Russia's most reliable flying machine?
A: The Russian tank turret.
Two hillbillies are lounging on the front porch when a truck loaded with rolls of sod lumbers by.
"That's the way rich city fellers do it, I reckon," drawls the first.
"What's that?" the second asks.
"What we just seen," responds the first. "Send their lawn out ta be mowed."
Hear about the unfortunate bee who was allergic to honey? She always broke out in hives.
Q: How do cannibals decide who gets the last sip of tasty spinal fluid?
A: They draw straws.
Terry: "I could'a had class, Charley! I could'a been a contender!"
Charley: "You wanted to be a prison guard?"
The doctor in charge of my bladder infection is the stoutest man I've ever seen! Seems to be sensitive about it, too... you can tell storm clouds are on the horizon when you deal with a meaty urologist.
The Thanksgiving side dish is called dressing, but that just shows you the disrespect we feel for turkeys. When the guests do their dressing, it all goes on the outside.
Back when Blockbuster was still in business, I rented "Batman Forever". Yep, still got the copy.
Brunette: "Why do you comics always tell blonde jokes? Why not a few about brunettes? We do a lot of stupid stuff too!"
Comedian: "Yeah? Like what?"
Brunette: "See that pier out there, standing high and dry on the desert sand? A brunette built that and by the end of the month, the lake had dried up completely!"
Comedian: "Okay, fair enough. I'm still gonna tell it as a blonde joke, though."
Brunette: "How come?"
Comedian: " 'Cause all the gals fishing off the end of that pier are blond."
* * *
On a nature studies field trip:
Blond student: "Aren't the outdoors awesome, professor? This majestic pine tree, for instance... I wonder what it would have to tell us if it could talk!"
Professor: "The first thing it would probably say is that it's an oak tree."
* * *
All the other kids say my ma dresses like a stripper. Maybe she does prefer the cheap, flashy look, but at least she's able to pull it off!
* * *
The pen really is mightier than the sword. With a pen, you can change the sword into words.
* * *
God, I wish they'd quit playing the national anthem before ball games! It's not that I'm unpatriotic, I just hate country music.
* * *
"During the war, I killed two dozen soldiers!"
"During the war, you were an army cook!"
"Not a good one!"
* * *
If you want a successful love life, get circumcised. My cousin Jeffrey's a telling example... think women ever looked at him seriously? Nope. He never made the cut.
* * *
One butterfly to another: "Wanna watch me make a tsunami in Japan?"
* * *
I can truly say my wife's a treasure! You'd need a map and a shovel to find her.
* * *
I rescued a little bluebottle from a spider's web and made a pet out of him. Though I'm sorry to say, being trapped like that gave him a severe case of depression. I find this situation personally embarrassing... my fly's been down for weeks.
* * *
My wife left me for someone who can screw her better than I ever could. Then again, I did get a divorce lawyer myself.
* * *
"Is it true that if you wed on Friday the 13th you'll have an unhappy married life?"
"Sure. Why would Friday the 13th be an exception?"
* * *
My son was toasting smores over an open fire when the white filling slid out and dripped all over the red-hot coals. Well, he started acting out... I told him not to be so mallow dramatic.
* * *
Q: What is Russia's most reliable flying machine?
A: The Russian tank turret.
* * *
Two hillbillies are lounging on the front porch when a truck loaded with rolls of sod lumbers by.
"That's the way rich city fellers do it, I reckon," drawls the first.
"What's that?" the second asks.
"What we just seen," responds the first. "Send their lawn out ta be mowed."
* * *
Hear about the unfortunate bee who was allergic to honey? She always broke out in hives.
* * *
Q: How do cannibals decide who gets the last sip of tasty spinal fluid?
A: They draw straws.
* * *
Terry: "I could'a had class, Charley! I could'a been a contender!"
Charley: "You wanted to be a prison guard?"
* * *
The doctor in charge of my bladder infection is the stoutest man I've ever seen! Seems to be sensitive about it, too... you can tell storm clouds are on the horizon when you deal with a meaty urologist.
* * *
The Thanksgiving side dish is called dressing, but that just shows you the disrespect we feel for turkeys. When the guests do their dressing, it all goes on the outside.
* * *
Back when Blockbuster was still in business, I rented "Batman Forever". Yep, still got the copy.
* * *
Brunette: "Why do you comics always tell blonde jokes? Why not a few about brunettes? We do a lot of stupid stuff too!"
Comedian: "Yeah? Like what?"
Brunette: "See that pier out there, standing high and dry on the desert sand? A brunette built that and by the end of the month, the lake had dried up completely!"
Comedian: "Okay, fair enough. I'm still gonna tell it as a blonde joke, though."
Brunette: "How come?"
Comedian: " 'Cause all the gals fishing off the end of that pier are blond."
