Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I tried childproofing my house last year. Didn't do any good... somehow, they found their way back in.
Noah: "Okay, we have most of the insects stowed away. The cockroaches... the earwigs... hey, here did you put the two bees?"
Noah's son: "I'm not sure, pop. Better check the ark hives."
When I was a kid, my mom would write a list of daily chores on my bedroom window. She wanted to make sure her instructions were crystal clear.
Naval experts say the Titanic was one of the cleanest ships on the ocean. I'm not sure if that's true, but it certainly did have one of the biggest sinks.
I'd like to give away a dog. Anybody interested? If so, write me... it'll take me a day or two to sneak him out of my neighbor's backyard.
Brunette: "Wanna watch 'Wonder Woman 84'?"
Blonde: "Nah, I don't think so."
Brunette: "How come? Didn't you like the first one?"
Blonde: "Yeah, it was okay. But I haven't seen the other eighty-two yet."
My uncle claims to be an ex-alcoholic, but last week I found a gallon jug of wine, a liter of vodka and a fifth of gin hidden in his closet. I pointed out the bottles and asked him to explain... he said nothing, but his look spoke volumes.
When you think about it, zombies aren't anything to worry about. Just like the rest of us, all they want is a little piece of mind.
My wife refuses to let me take the kids in to get shots. I say it'll strengthen their systems; she calls it underage drinking.
Q: What does mermaid math and mermaid fashion have in common?
A: Each involves algaebra.
After a year layoff, chiropractors are finally starting to treat patients again. It's all part of the Get Back To Work program.
Job interviewer: "Where were you born?"
Job applicant: "In the USA, sir!"
Job Interviewer: "Okay, but which part?"
Job applicant: "Every bit of me!"
Dad was about to take our picture at the county fair, when a big wheel of Gouda rolled off a display table and bowled him over. He was furious that nobody yelled a warning, but we had tried our best.
It's true that 90 percent of the time, a female Black Widow spider will kill her mate after sex. This only goes to prove a second statistic: 10 percent of male Black Widow spiders don't snore.
Pet experts say that it's perfectly okay to let your pets sleep with you. Yeah? Try telling that to my dead goldfish!
Customer: "Chef, how do you prepare your lobster?"
Chef: "In the usual way, sir... five minutes with a priest, then a last cigarette and a blindfold."
After my wife died, I didn't touch another woman for the next twenty years. But now that my parole's come through, I plan to make up for it.
Childhood obesity's no crisis! Solving it is easy as taking candy from a baby!
If you're a vampire, never drink from a cup that's been used by a priest. There's too much risk of cross-contamination.
Doctor: "This operation is going to be risky. If something goes wrong and you end up on life support, would you prefer to be unplugged?"
Patient: "Good idea! Unplug me, then plug me back in! That always works for my computer!"
When I was in the sports bar last night, some guy bet me I couldn't name all the players on winning Superbowl team. I told him there didn't seem to be much point in trying... as far as I know, all of them already have names.
My COVID stimulus check arrived on St. Paddy's Day! That's what I call the luck of the IRS!
* * *
Noah: "Okay, we have most of the insects stowed away. The cockroaches... the earwigs... hey, here did you put the two bees?"
Noah's son: "I'm not sure, pop. Better check the ark hives."
* * *
When I was a kid, my mom would write a list of daily chores on my bedroom window. She wanted to make sure her instructions were crystal clear.
* * *
Naval experts say the Titanic was one of the cleanest ships on the ocean. I'm not sure if that's true, but it certainly did have one of the biggest sinks.
* * *
I'd like to give away a dog. Anybody interested? If so, write me... it'll take me a day or two to sneak him out of my neighbor's backyard.
* * *
Brunette: "Wanna watch 'Wonder Woman 84'?"
Blonde: "Nah, I don't think so."
Brunette: "How come? Didn't you like the first one?"
Blonde: "Yeah, it was okay. But I haven't seen the other eighty-two yet."
* * *
My uncle claims to be an ex-alcoholic, but last week I found a gallon jug of wine, a liter of vodka and a fifth of gin hidden in his closet. I pointed out the bottles and asked him to explain... he said nothing, but his look spoke volumes.
* * *
When you think about it, zombies aren't anything to worry about. Just like the rest of us, all they want is a little piece of mind.
* * *
My wife refuses to let me take the kids in to get shots. I say it'll strengthen their systems; she calls it underage drinking.
* * *
Q: What does mermaid math and mermaid fashion have in common?
A: Each involves algaebra.
* * *
After a year layoff, chiropractors are finally starting to treat patients again. It's all part of the Get Back To Work program.
* * *
Job interviewer: "Where were you born?"
Job applicant: "In the USA, sir!"
Job Interviewer: "Okay, but which part?"
Job applicant: "Every bit of me!"
* * *
Dad was about to take our picture at the county fair, when a big wheel of Gouda rolled off a display table and bowled him over. He was furious that nobody yelled a warning, but we had tried our best.
* * *
It's true that 90 percent of the time, a female Black Widow spider will kill her mate after sex. This only goes to prove a second statistic: 10 percent of male Black Widow spiders don't snore.
* * *
Pet experts say that it's perfectly okay to let your pets sleep with you. Yeah? Try telling that to my dead goldfish!
* * *
Customer: "Chef, how do you prepare your lobster?"
Chef: "In the usual way, sir... five minutes with a priest, then a last cigarette and a blindfold."
* * *
After my wife died, I didn't touch another woman for the next twenty years. But now that my parole's come through, I plan to make up for it.
* * *
Childhood obesity's no crisis! Solving it is easy as taking candy from a baby!
* * *
If you're a vampire, never drink from a cup that's been used by a priest. There's too much risk of cross-contamination.
* * *
Doctor: "This operation is going to be risky. If something goes wrong and you end up on life support, would you prefer to be unplugged?"
Patient: "Good idea! Unplug me, then plug me back in! That always works for my computer!"
* * *
When I was in the sports bar last night, some guy bet me I couldn't name all the players on winning Superbowl team. I told him there didn't seem to be much point in trying... as far as I know, all of them already have names.
* * *
My COVID stimulus check arrived on St. Paddy's Day! That's what I call the luck of the IRS!
