Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I dated a Greek girl during my recent archeological expedition. Carbon measurement placed her remains at roughly 1,100 BC.
Wife: I don't like you and your friends playing poker in our house!
Husband: Don't worry. It isn't our house anymore.
A blonde buys a brand new sedan with cruise control. The following week, she's found dead inside her car at the bottom of the bay.
Some people drink; I file my nails. It really takes the edge off.
Pessimist: My life's a wreck! Thing's just couldn't get any worse!
Optimist: Cheer up! I'm sure they can!
I went into town to get a hair cut. Probably should have had them all done, but that one was really bugging me.
An elderly bachelor traveled to Middle East, intent on becoming a suicide bomber. He was afraid of dying alone.
My wife offended me the other day... told me I don't give her near enough personal space. Well, from now on she can wipe her own damn ass!
Brunette: Your arm's in a cast! Good grief, what happened?
Blonde: A heavy box fell off a shelf and landed right on my hand.
Brunette: That's just awful! But at least it was your left hand. If it'd been your right, think how much worse off you'd be!
Blonde: Oh, I did! When I saw the box was falling, I managed to switch 'em just in time!
After Mario died, his brother tried to contact him. He used a Luigi board.
Just got a letter from my sister, the super feminist. Haven't opened it, though... I got no use for hate male.
Breast feeding is perfectly natural and should not be looked down on. It can really strengthen the bond between you and your pet.
It didn't take much prompting for a hypnotist to convince me I'd feel perfectly at home inside a pencil. I'm easily lead.
What do Galapagos Islanders smoke when they want to get high?
Marine iguana.
I'm not laughing at you; I'm laughing with all the other people who are laughing at you.
Husband: What good does it do for you to watch all these cooking shows? You still can't cook worth a darn!
Wife: Yeah? Well, you watch porn...
My deaf girlfriend left me for another man. I guess I should have seen the signs.
Hear about the narcissistic cannibal? He's so damned full of himself!
It's a dream come true! I arrived late for class, realized I hadn't studied, then happened to notice I wasn't wearing any pants.
The most important thing in any marriage is communication. If you don't have any, you can't fight about what's said.
My wife got so angry, she took the Energizers out of her vibrator and threw one at me. I have a good mind to call the cops; that's sexual battery!
A husband brings his wife to the hospital in a coma. The physician examines her symptoms and approaches the man.
"I've heard of this condition," the doctor tells him. "There's a treatment, but it's extremely unconventional: stimulation by oral sex."
The man is skeptical, but finally agrees to try. The doctor leaves them discreetly alone; 15 minutes later, the husband exits, dejected.
"Man, was that a mistake!" he sighs. " She choked to death."
* * *
Wife: I don't like you and your friends playing poker in our house!
Husband: Don't worry. It isn't our house anymore.
* * *
A blonde buys a brand new sedan with cruise control. The following week, she's found dead inside her car at the bottom of the bay.
* * *
Some people drink; I file my nails. It really takes the edge off.
* * *
Pessimist: My life's a wreck! Thing's just couldn't get any worse!
Optimist: Cheer up! I'm sure they can!
* * *
I went into town to get a hair cut. Probably should have had them all done, but that one was really bugging me.
* * *
An elderly bachelor traveled to Middle East, intent on becoming a suicide bomber. He was afraid of dying alone.
* * *
My wife offended me the other day... told me I don't give her near enough personal space. Well, from now on she can wipe her own damn ass!
* * *
Brunette: Your arm's in a cast! Good grief, what happened?
Blonde: A heavy box fell off a shelf and landed right on my hand.
Brunette: That's just awful! But at least it was your left hand. If it'd been your right, think how much worse off you'd be!
Blonde: Oh, I did! When I saw the box was falling, I managed to switch 'em just in time!
* * *
After Mario died, his brother tried to contact him. He used a Luigi board.
* * *
Just got a letter from my sister, the super feminist. Haven't opened it, though... I got no use for hate male.
* * *
Breast feeding is perfectly natural and should not be looked down on. It can really strengthen the bond between you and your pet.
* * *
It didn't take much prompting for a hypnotist to convince me I'd feel perfectly at home inside a pencil. I'm easily lead.
* * *
What do Galapagos Islanders smoke when they want to get high?
Marine iguana.
* * *
I'm not laughing at you; I'm laughing with all the other people who are laughing at you.
* * *
Husband: What good does it do for you to watch all these cooking shows? You still can't cook worth a darn!
Wife: Yeah? Well, you watch porn...
* * *
My deaf girlfriend left me for another man. I guess I should have seen the signs.
* * *
Hear about the narcissistic cannibal? He's so damned full of himself!
* * *
It's a dream come true! I arrived late for class, realized I hadn't studied, then happened to notice I wasn't wearing any pants.
* * *
The most important thing in any marriage is communication. If you don't have any, you can't fight about what's said.
* * *
My wife got so angry, she took the Energizers out of her vibrator and threw one at me. I have a good mind to call the cops; that's sexual battery!
* * *
A husband brings his wife to the hospital in a coma. The physician examines her symptoms and approaches the man.
"I've heard of this condition," the doctor tells him. "There's a treatment, but it's extremely unconventional: stimulation by oral sex."
The man is skeptical, but finally agrees to try. The doctor leaves them discreetly alone; 15 minutes later, the husband exits, dejected.
"Man, was that a mistake!" he sighs. " She choked to death."
