Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Bob Hope wanted no part of the sex farce I'd written for him. In it, he would have played a vampire who leaves bite marks on the breasts of beautiful women. The title: "Fangs for the Mammaries".
Q: How did Gandhi finally beat the British?
A: Of the two, he was the faster.
My teacher insists that if I'd put in a bit more effort I would have gotten an A on the test. Dang, I hate it when he B-rates me!
"My cousins say the moon is full of tardigrades! Do you suppose it has any other dangerous parasites?"
"Don't worry abut it. They're just a couple of lunatics."
After getting back my test results, my doctor told me I should get my affairs in order. I know what he means... with so many gals on the hook, it's often hard to remember which one I'm dating on which day.
Romance in the melon patch:
He: "Sorry, dear. I cantaloupe."
She: "Oh honey, do!"
My grandpa's been feeding birds in the park this past week. It's surprising how little those vultures eat per day.
If you want successful dinners, plan your meals in advance. It's food forethought.
US citizens will never adopt the metric system! We have an instinctive distrust of foreign rulers!
A crocodile saunters up the counter at a Burger King.
"Hold it right there!" barks the manager. "We only serve humans!"
"Fine with me!" replies the reptile. "I'll have one to go!"
A bounding lion was right behind us and my buddy had taken the last horse! There wasn't a single thing I could do but stand there screaming! The operator didn't see it that way... he kicked me clean off the merry-go-round.
Q: NASA has launched mice and monkeys into space, but never a duck. Why not?
A: For budgetary reasons. The bill would be astronomical.
Sending the poor pooch Laika into orbit was the cruelest thing the Soviets ever did! Everyone knows that dogs are afraid of vacuums!
It's not hard to confuse numerators with denominators. There's a fine line between the two.
I've lost my wife, all because of my abandonment issues! I tried to ditch her twice before, but this time I'm sure I've succeeded!
Q: What do you call a man with one eye, one ear, one arm, one leg, one lung, one kidney and one testicle?
A: Jeffrey Dahmer.
She: "Just once in your life I'd like to hear you say you're sorry!"
He: "Okay... I'm sorry I ever married you!"
Bread stick to pretzel: "Those yoga classes are really paying off, George!"
I've investigated some crazy thieves, but none more nuts than the Birthday Party Bandit. Think you've seen petty criminals? This guy takes the cake!
It's a little known fact that people eat more bananas than monkeys. Unless you go to Brazil... they eat plenty of monkeys in the Amazon.
I met with my teacher girlfriend in the science lab for a bit of hanky-panky when she suggested that we indulge in some "science lab foreplay". Well, I was game; I immediately lit up a Bunsen burner for mood lighting. That mood was immediately squashed when she hauled out a microscope.
Blonde: "Help me figure out these Jello instructions."
Brunette: "Okay. Says right here on the side of the box: 'Empty contents into a medium sized mixing bowl... Stir in one cup of boiling water to dissolve the gelatin... Once gelatin is liquified, stir in one cup of cold water.' "
Blonde: "Is that all?"
Brunette: "No, one last step: 'Chill in the fridge for three hours.' "
Blonde: "Screw that! I'd rather wait in the living room!"
* * *
Q: How did Gandhi finally beat the British?
A: Of the two, he was the faster.
* * *
My teacher insists that if I'd put in a bit more effort I would have gotten an A on the test. Dang, I hate it when he B-rates me!
* * *
"My cousins say the moon is full of tardigrades! Do you suppose it has any other dangerous parasites?"
"Don't worry abut it. They're just a couple of lunatics."
* * *
After getting back my test results, my doctor told me I should get my affairs in order. I know what he means... with so many gals on the hook, it's often hard to remember which one I'm dating on which day.
* * *
Romance in the melon patch:
He: "Sorry, dear. I cantaloupe."
She: "Oh honey, do!"
* * *
My grandpa's been feeding birds in the park this past week. It's surprising how little those vultures eat per day.
* * *
If you want successful dinners, plan your meals in advance. It's food forethought.
* * *
US citizens will never adopt the metric system! We have an instinctive distrust of foreign rulers!
* * *
A crocodile saunters up the counter at a Burger King.
"Hold it right there!" barks the manager. "We only serve humans!"
"Fine with me!" replies the reptile. "I'll have one to go!"
* * *
A bounding lion was right behind us and my buddy had taken the last horse! There wasn't a single thing I could do but stand there screaming! The operator didn't see it that way... he kicked me clean off the merry-go-round.
* * *
Q: NASA has launched mice and monkeys into space, but never a duck. Why not?
A: For budgetary reasons. The bill would be astronomical.
* * *
Sending the poor pooch Laika into orbit was the cruelest thing the Soviets ever did! Everyone knows that dogs are afraid of vacuums!
* * *
It's not hard to confuse numerators with denominators. There's a fine line between the two.
* * *
I've lost my wife, all because of my abandonment issues! I tried to ditch her twice before, but this time I'm sure I've succeeded!
* * *
Q: What do you call a man with one eye, one ear, one arm, one leg, one lung, one kidney and one testicle?
A: Jeffrey Dahmer.
* * *
She: "Just once in your life I'd like to hear you say you're sorry!"
He: "Okay... I'm sorry I ever married you!"
* * *
Bread stick to pretzel: "Those yoga classes are really paying off, George!"
* * *
I've investigated some crazy thieves, but none more nuts than the Birthday Party Bandit. Think you've seen petty criminals? This guy takes the cake!
* * *
It's a little known fact that people eat more bananas than monkeys. Unless you go to Brazil... they eat plenty of monkeys in the Amazon.
* * *
I met with my teacher girlfriend in the science lab for a bit of hanky-panky when she suggested that we indulge in some "science lab foreplay". Well, I was game; I immediately lit up a Bunsen burner for mood lighting. That mood was immediately squashed when she hauled out a microscope.
* * *
Blonde: "Help me figure out these Jello instructions."
Brunette: "Okay. Says right here on the side of the box: 'Empty contents into a medium sized mixing bowl... Stir in one cup of boiling water to dissolve the gelatin... Once gelatin is liquified, stir in one cup of cold water.' "
Blonde: "Is that all?"
Brunette: "No, one last step: 'Chill in the fridge for three hours.' "
Blonde: "Screw that! I'd rather wait in the living room!"
