Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I've always thought it proper to give up my seat to someone who's blind, lame or otherwise disabled. Not everyone is supportive of this attitude... it drives my employers at the taxi company crazy.
Son: "Dad, is it okay to eat bugs?"
Dad: "Son, that's a disgusting subject to bring up at the dinner table! I don't want to hear another word out of you for the rest of the meal!"
Later...
Dad: "Okay, boy... what was that you wanted to know about bugs?"
Son: "It doesn't matter anymore. I saw a couple crawl onto your plate, but they're long gone now."
Life has become tough ever since I ratted out the gang members who were committing vandalism with Super Soakers. Things have gotten so bad, the DA's Office has offered to put me in the Wetness Protection Program.
Putin isn't greedy... he only wants the land he can see from horizon to horizon. The trouble is, once he has control of that territory, the horizon's moved farther on.
Pinocchio was never well liked in Stromboli's puppet troupe. He simply wasn't one of the poplar kids.
"You going to the orchestra's charity costume party? You know, the conductor wants everyone to dress up as their favorite musical instrument."
"Yeah, I know. I have my costume on now. See, I've run some yarn between my hands and I'm going as a harp."
"You're no harp! You don't have enough strings!"
"Are you calling me a lyre?"
When my great grandad traveled across country to cheat on my great grandma, the only way he had to apologize was by telegraph. The message was sent through ReMorse code.
Vodka was an important tool for Soviet psychologists... it was a key to the collective unconscious.
I just finished filling out my 1040 form. Man, did I get clobbered this year! I'd have been happy with 5050!
Blonde: "People keep praising those Disney Pixar movies, but I think they're way too adult for kids. Especially that 'Toy Story' picture! How can anyone recommend a children's film that sings about three-ways?"
Brunette: "Are you insane?! What 'Toy Story' song has anything to do with three-ways?"
Blonde: "You know the one I'm talking about: 'You've Got a Friend in Me'!"
The DEA uncovered a big narcotics operation in South Dakota... they found that a crime cartel had set up a meth lab inside the Lincoln head on Mr. Rushmore. It was a massive drug bust.
He: "I'd like to date you, but I have a police record. Is that going to be a problem?"
Blond She: "Not at all! I have several myself! I just love their music!"
My little boy can be so cute! The other day, he stuck his head into the supermarket barcode scanner to find out how much he cost! You should have seen his face when he got the results. It was priceless!
P.T. Barnum is the most famous circus showman ever, but even he took a few false steps early on. As one of his first major attractions, he went to Haiti and brought back several zombies to show to the crowds. Not only were people disgusted, but he blew the advertising: "The Greatest Show Unearthed!"
"I want you to stay away of the strip club, son."
"Why's that, dad?"
"Because it's a den of sin, boy! Go into that place and you'll see things you shouldn't!"
"It's already too late, dad. I did see you in there last night."
You've heard of "The Hitler Diaries", right? That's a collection of journals supposedly written by Adolf Hitler that was later proved to be a forgery. Well, there's a new title out: "Hitler's Golf Tips". Nobody believes that one's for real... it's too well known that Hitler never hit more than one ball in his whole life.
Finding a mate today is a lot less demanding than it was in Biblical times when women had to be made out of men's ribs. Even the lowliest schlub can find a partner these days... it's not like we're splitting the Adam or anything.
In past ages, sundials were the most advanced way of telling time. They were far from perfect, of course: they didn't work at all on cloudy days and didn't take into consideration different sun positions with the changing seasons. The results could be pretty hairy... that's why in early evening, each one developed a five o'clock shadow.
She: "My mother gave up gossiping for Lent! My cousin gave up drinking coffee for Lent! I gave up watching soap operas for Lent! What have you ever given up for Lent?"
He: "Catholicism."
Defendant: "Your Honor, many of these crimes were pulled off by other crooks. I do, however, admit to committing 40 percent of them."
Judge: "40 percent? Repeat infractions?"
Defendant: "Okay, if you insist. I admit to committing two fifths of them."
Q: What's the easiest way to become a millionaire these days?
A: Convert your paycheck into rubles.
Putin has rejected the idea of direct talks with Volodymyr Zelensky. Seems that Russian engineers are incapable of building a table that's long enough.
* * *
Son: "Dad, is it okay to eat bugs?"
Dad: "Son, that's a disgusting subject to bring up at the dinner table! I don't want to hear another word out of you for the rest of the meal!"
Later...
Dad: "Okay, boy... what was that you wanted to know about bugs?"
Son: "It doesn't matter anymore. I saw a couple crawl onto your plate, but they're long gone now."
* * *
Life has become tough ever since I ratted out the gang members who were committing vandalism with Super Soakers. Things have gotten so bad, the DA's Office has offered to put me in the Wetness Protection Program.
* * *
Putin isn't greedy... he only wants the land he can see from horizon to horizon. The trouble is, once he has control of that territory, the horizon's moved farther on.
* * *
Pinocchio was never well liked in Stromboli's puppet troupe. He simply wasn't one of the poplar kids.
* * *
"You going to the orchestra's charity costume party? You know, the conductor wants everyone to dress up as their favorite musical instrument."
"Yeah, I know. I have my costume on now. See, I've run some yarn between my hands and I'm going as a harp."
"You're no harp! You don't have enough strings!"
"Are you calling me a lyre?"
* * *
When my great grandad traveled across country to cheat on my great grandma, the only way he had to apologize was by telegraph. The message was sent through ReMorse code.
* * *
Vodka was an important tool for Soviet psychologists... it was a key to the collective unconscious.
* * *
I just finished filling out my 1040 form. Man, did I get clobbered this year! I'd have been happy with 5050!
* * *
Blonde: "People keep praising those Disney Pixar movies, but I think they're way too adult for kids. Especially that 'Toy Story' picture! How can anyone recommend a children's film that sings about three-ways?"
Brunette: "Are you insane?! What 'Toy Story' song has anything to do with three-ways?"
Blonde: "You know the one I'm talking about: 'You've Got a Friend in Me'!"
* * *
The DEA uncovered a big narcotics operation in South Dakota... they found that a crime cartel had set up a meth lab inside the Lincoln head on Mr. Rushmore. It was a massive drug bust.
* * *
He: "I'd like to date you, but I have a police record. Is that going to be a problem?"
Blond She: "Not at all! I have several myself! I just love their music!"
* * *
My little boy can be so cute! The other day, he stuck his head into the supermarket barcode scanner to find out how much he cost! You should have seen his face when he got the results. It was priceless!
* * *
P.T. Barnum is the most famous circus showman ever, but even he took a few false steps early on. As one of his first major attractions, he went to Haiti and brought back several zombies to show to the crowds. Not only were people disgusted, but he blew the advertising: "The Greatest Show Unearthed!"
* * *
"I want you to stay away of the strip club, son."
"Why's that, dad?"
"Because it's a den of sin, boy! Go into that place and you'll see things you shouldn't!"
"It's already too late, dad. I did see you in there last night."
* * *
You've heard of "The Hitler Diaries", right? That's a collection of journals supposedly written by Adolf Hitler that was later proved to be a forgery. Well, there's a new title out: "Hitler's Golf Tips". Nobody believes that one's for real... it's too well known that Hitler never hit more than one ball in his whole life.
* * *
Finding a mate today is a lot less demanding than it was in Biblical times when women had to be made out of men's ribs. Even the lowliest schlub can find a partner these days... it's not like we're splitting the Adam or anything.
* * *
In past ages, sundials were the most advanced way of telling time. They were far from perfect, of course: they didn't work at all on cloudy days and didn't take into consideration different sun positions with the changing seasons. The results could be pretty hairy... that's why in early evening, each one developed a five o'clock shadow.
* * *
She: "My mother gave up gossiping for Lent! My cousin gave up drinking coffee for Lent! I gave up watching soap operas for Lent! What have you ever given up for Lent?"
He: "Catholicism."
* * *
Defendant: "Your Honor, many of these crimes were pulled off by other crooks. I do, however, admit to committing 40 percent of them."
Judge: "40 percent? Repeat infractions?"
Defendant: "Okay, if you insist. I admit to committing two fifths of them."
* * *
Q: What's the easiest way to become a millionaire these days?
A: Convert your paycheck into rubles.
* * *
Putin has rejected the idea of direct talks with Volodymyr Zelensky. Seems that Russian engineers are incapable of building a table that's long enough.
