Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Girl Scouts were outside our local supermarket selling Thin Mints. Everyone else was being pleasant, but I accused them of false advertising. Enough is enough... I've been eating those damn cookies for years and haven't gotten thin yet!
Brunette: "I came home early last night to find some louse in a ski mask rummaging around my apartment! I almost collared him, but unhappily he squeezed out through the back window."
Blonde: "If you couldn't see his face, how do you know he was unhappy?"
I brought a 2.00 bottle of whisky, but we partied like it was 19.99.
On paper, it's practically impossible to maintain your balance while skiing. That's why most skiers opt for water or snow.
I told my dad a funny story involving me and Mom, but he wasn't amused. I guess you had to have been there.
Q: An Irishman, Colm, marries a Spanish lass, Pilar. What nationality does that make their children?
A: Polish.
I got this great new joke about King Oedipus shaking hands with King Midas! It's motherfucking gold!
Donald Duck wants to have sex with Daisy, but has used up the last of his condoms. Quickly, he rushes to the drugstore, where his good friend Goofy is behind the counter.
"Damn!" Donald fumes as Goofy rings up the purchase. "I forgot my wallet! We can work something out, can't we pal? I really need this rubber."
"Sure, old buddy!" Goofy reassures him. "Want me to put it on your bill?"
"Don't be a jackass!" Donald storms. "I'd suffocate!"
I just learned a weird fact about our language... according to my teacher, nothing in English starts with an N and ends with a G.
Crayola has released a magic crayon that can make any color. Blue, green, red, orange, yellow, purple, black, brown... it can even make words that aren't colors!
Boy, my days at the college frat were crazy! On a drunken dare, I once shaved my belly with a straight razor! I could never do that now... just haven't got the guts.
Schrodinger: "... so, we won't know if the cat is dead or alive until we open the box."
Box: "Meow."
Schrodinger: "Shit."
I've been ready for COVID social distancing since the '60s. Everyone was spaced out back then.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat the rest of his life.
Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck, and he'll avoid brain damage.
My brother used to be a gigolo, but he's getting a bit old for that now and figures that postman would be an the perfect new profession. I agree... he's a practiced mail escort.
Q: How did Jesus get from his cell to the site of his execution?
A: He used the crosswalk.
I bought some generic D cell batteries at the discount store. The clerk said they're just as good as name brand... I've noticed some pluses and minuses.
Nothing's cooler than sex! Not for necrophiliacs, anyway.
He: "How the hell do I turn Alexa off?"
She: "If I'm any judge, you could try walking around naked."
I spent many enjoyable hours at the video game parlor back when I was a kid; that's why I was so touched to learn my mom had baked me a Pac Man shaped birthday cake! That's what my brother told me, anyway, when he delivered it to me.
Brunette: "I wanted to vacation in Sin City, Nevada and you book us a flight to Cincinnati, Ohio! What gives?"
Blonde: "I figured the extra sin would make it twice as much fun!"
She: "You're in trouble, mister! Someone emailed me these photos of you squeezing my sister's ample breasts! Try explaining that!"
He: "Christ, Helen, how can you be so damn gullible? Anyone can fake those things these days!"
She: "(sniff) ... Really?"
He: "Of course! I know silicone when I feel it!"
* * *
Brunette: "I came home early last night to find some louse in a ski mask rummaging around my apartment! I almost collared him, but unhappily he squeezed out through the back window."
Blonde: "If you couldn't see his face, how do you know he was unhappy?"
* * *
I brought a 2.00 bottle of whisky, but we partied like it was 19.99.
* * *
On paper, it's practically impossible to maintain your balance while skiing. That's why most skiers opt for water or snow.
* * *
I told my dad a funny story involving me and Mom, but he wasn't amused. I guess you had to have been there.
* * *
Q: An Irishman, Colm, marries a Spanish lass, Pilar. What nationality does that make their children?
A: Polish.
* * *
I got this great new joke about King Oedipus shaking hands with King Midas! It's motherfucking gold!
* * *
Donald Duck wants to have sex with Daisy, but has used up the last of his condoms. Quickly, he rushes to the drugstore, where his good friend Goofy is behind the counter.
"Damn!" Donald fumes as Goofy rings up the purchase. "I forgot my wallet! We can work something out, can't we pal? I really need this rubber."
"Sure, old buddy!" Goofy reassures him. "Want me to put it on your bill?"
"Don't be a jackass!" Donald storms. "I'd suffocate!"
* * *
I just learned a weird fact about our language... according to my teacher, nothing in English starts with an N and ends with a G.
* * *
Crayola has released a magic crayon that can make any color. Blue, green, red, orange, yellow, purple, black, brown... it can even make words that aren't colors!
* * *
Boy, my days at the college frat were crazy! On a drunken dare, I once shaved my belly with a straight razor! I could never do that now... just haven't got the guts.
* * *
Schrodinger: "... so, we won't know if the cat is dead or alive until we open the box."
Box: "Meow."
Schrodinger: "Shit."
* * *
I've been ready for COVID social distancing since the '60s. Everyone was spaced out back then.
* * *
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat the rest of his life.
Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck, and he'll avoid brain damage.
* * *
My brother used to be a gigolo, but he's getting a bit old for that now and figures that postman would be an the perfect new profession. I agree... he's a practiced mail escort.
* * *
Q: How did Jesus get from his cell to the site of his execution?
A: He used the crosswalk.
* * *
I bought some generic D cell batteries at the discount store. The clerk said they're just as good as name brand... I've noticed some pluses and minuses.
* * *
Nothing's cooler than sex! Not for necrophiliacs, anyway.
* * *
He: "How the hell do I turn Alexa off?"
She: "If I'm any judge, you could try walking around naked."
* * *
I spent many enjoyable hours at the video game parlor back when I was a kid; that's why I was so touched to learn my mom had baked me a Pac Man shaped birthday cake! That's what my brother told me, anyway, when he delivered it to me.
* * *
Brunette: "I wanted to vacation in Sin City, Nevada and you book us a flight to Cincinnati, Ohio! What gives?"
Blonde: "I figured the extra sin would make it twice as much fun!"
* * *
She: "You're in trouble, mister! Someone emailed me these photos of you squeezing my sister's ample breasts! Try explaining that!"
He: "Christ, Helen, how can you be so damn gullible? Anyone can fake those things these days!"
She: "(sniff) ... Really?"
He: "Of course! I know silicone when I feel it!"
