Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Got any corny jokes? I’m all ears!
I had to have a Beatle hairdo for a costume party and told my barber I needed it in a hurry. Big mistake. He said he knew a short cut.
Harvey Weinstein was producing a period drama in which the villain menaces the heroine with a club.
“Threatening with a club isn’t really all that exciting,” he complained to the director. “How’s about we make it a little rapier?”
I had my heart set on either sex or a movie last night. Well, she was on her period and the show happened to be sold out. But that didn’t stop me... I sneaked in through the rear entrance.
My wife whined and moaned about menstral cramps all night long. I think she was ovary acting.
Protesters have gathered outside a restaurant that features beer battered fish. They claim it’s alcohol abuse.
Trying to ruin my reputation by calling me schizophrenic, eh? Well, three can play at that game!
The Mavzoléy Lénina in Moscow is open to the public so that everyone can admire the Soviet’s first leader. There he is for all Russia to see, lying peacefully as though asleep in his bedding. It’s a masterful job of preservation; caretakers need only close down once a week for Lenin service.
A good percentage of my friends are racists. The number is zero... the best percentage I can think of.
A procrastinator walks into a bar...
... wait for it...
My uncle must have been a transvestite. His life philosophy was Eat, Drink and be Mary.
“Hey, I warned you! This salve is for external use only.”
“Okay, okay. I get it. Don’t rub it in.”
I thought it would be a great security idea to put a high-voltage electric fence around my property, but not everyone agrees. My next-door neighbor’s dead against it.
The royalty of Britain used to hold absolute power, but today the position is only ceremonial. Many years ago, they received a reign check.
I was strolling past a funeral home today when the director rushed outside and immediately tried to interest me in buying a coffin. A coffin! Ha! That’s the last thing I need!
Ever hear a song called “For Tonight”? It came out a couple of weeks ago.
The city shut off my brother’s water for non payment. He looked so sick about it, I sent him a card encouraging him to “Get well soon!”
One cockroach runs into another on top an 8 day old baguette.
“Hi there!” chirps the first. “I’m a local!”
“Me too!” replies the second. “I was born in bread right here!”
I went to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk.
“Would you like that in a paper bag?” the clerk inquired.
“Certainly not!“ I shot back. “Paper would leak all over! Just leave it in the plastic jug.”
Mummies may look fearsome, but you’ll never catch one bungee jumping. They simply don’t have the guts.
Mercury has a reputation for being a fast liquid, but actually milk is faster. It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
Donald Trump’s so popular with his supporters, he seems to have them under a spell. What’s the secret to his magic? Must be slight of hand...[/FONT]
* * *
I had to have a Beatle hairdo for a costume party and told my barber I needed it in a hurry. Big mistake. He said he knew a short cut.
* * *
Harvey Weinstein was producing a period drama in which the villain menaces the heroine with a club.
“Threatening with a club isn’t really all that exciting,” he complained to the director. “How’s about we make it a little rapier?”
* * *
I had my heart set on either sex or a movie last night. Well, she was on her period and the show happened to be sold out. But that didn’t stop me... I sneaked in through the rear entrance.
* * *
My wife whined and moaned about menstral cramps all night long. I think she was ovary acting.
* * *
Protesters have gathered outside a restaurant that features beer battered fish. They claim it’s alcohol abuse.
* * *
Trying to ruin my reputation by calling me schizophrenic, eh? Well, three can play at that game!
* * *
The Mavzoléy Lénina in Moscow is open to the public so that everyone can admire the Soviet’s first leader. There he is for all Russia to see, lying peacefully as though asleep in his bedding. It’s a masterful job of preservation; caretakers need only close down once a week for Lenin service.
* * *
A good percentage of my friends are racists. The number is zero... the best percentage I can think of.
* * *
A procrastinator walks into a bar...
... wait for it...
* * *
My uncle must have been a transvestite. His life philosophy was Eat, Drink and be Mary.
* * *
“Hey, I warned you! This salve is for external use only.”
“Okay, okay. I get it. Don’t rub it in.”
* * *
I thought it would be a great security idea to put a high-voltage electric fence around my property, but not everyone agrees. My next-door neighbor’s dead against it.
* * *
The royalty of Britain used to hold absolute power, but today the position is only ceremonial. Many years ago, they received a reign check.
* * *
I was strolling past a funeral home today when the director rushed outside and immediately tried to interest me in buying a coffin. A coffin! Ha! That’s the last thing I need!
* * *
Ever hear a song called “For Tonight”? It came out a couple of weeks ago.
* * *
The city shut off my brother’s water for non payment. He looked so sick about it, I sent him a card encouraging him to “Get well soon!”
* * *
One cockroach runs into another on top an 8 day old baguette.
“Hi there!” chirps the first. “I’m a local!”
“Me too!” replies the second. “I was born in bread right here!”
* * *
I went to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk.
“Would you like that in a paper bag?” the clerk inquired.
“Certainly not!“ I shot back. “Paper would leak all over! Just leave it in the plastic jug.”
* * *
Mummies may look fearsome, but you’ll never catch one bungee jumping. They simply don’t have the guts.
* * *
Mercury has a reputation for being a fast liquid, but actually milk is faster. It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
* * *
Donald Trump’s so popular with his supporters, he seems to have them under a spell. What’s the secret to his magic? Must be slight of hand...[/FONT]
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