Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Archeologists have uncovered the fossilized leg joint of a massive sauropod dinosaur, possibly the largest ever to live. Needless to say, they threw a huge party to celebrate their accomplishment! It was an incredible shindig!
Rock may beat scissors, but paper always beats rock. Especially when that paper is a will.
"Did you hear? There was a kidnapping down at the school!"
"That's just terrible! How could the teacher let it happen? That kid won't learn anything if he's sound asleep!"
Chris Rock is one of America's great funnymen! The guy really knows how to set up a punchline!
He: "7:00... time for some nightclub fun! Put on your coat!"
She: "Seriously? Does this mean you're finally gonna stop acting like a tightwad and take me out for the evening?"
He: "No. It means I'm turning the heat off while I'm gone."
Q: How safe are you in a room that holds 1,000 people?
A: 999 of them won't attack you... one Will.
Rumor is that Jeffrey Epstein enjoyed Star Trek a whole lot. That's partly true... he was really into the next generation.
The swordfish used to have no natural predators... that's until he ran into the penfish.
When I was a lad, I was always told that you are what you eat. Today, I've learned that it's true! I bought myself ready-to-eat chicken breast this afternoon... this evening, I'm ready to eat chicken breast!
In cannibal societies, a pregnant German woman is considered a special dessert. She's referred to as a Kinder Surprise.
It isn't unusual for sailors to become cranky during long sea voyages. They get tied up in knots.
Hogs are extra motivated during tug-of-war contests. None of them want to end up as pulled pork.
I added more cylinders to my car so it would run better, but all it does now is crank out angry growling noises. Makes me wonder what was installed... pistons or pist-offs.
"Can you think of anything more aggravating than having ants in your pants?"
"I dunno... uncles, maybe?"
I heard that the Russians are in need better material and I can believe it. Word is they're bombing in the Ukraine.
Have you ever noticed that foggy conditions can bring on joint pain? We should all pay attention to such bodily ills... it's possible to learn a great deal from our mist aches.
My wife accused me of taking thousands out of our bank account so I could hire an artist to make a relief map of Mount Everest. She claims I paid for it in preparation for attempting the climb. I don't know how to convince her she's wrong... I already told her it wasn't drawn to scale.
I've been told that enemy spies are usually debriefed once they're caught. Why is that? Are they be less likely to try to escape if they're missing their underwear?
After years devoted to humor, I've decided to try my hand at stand-up. That's because most of my jokes don't sit well.
Even though he finally lost the war, Adolf Hitler was a fearsome force in Europe, building an army that few stood any chance against! What a macho thing to do, especially for a man who was missing one of his testicles! You gotta wonder how he was able to pull it off!
He: "So... do you consider the cup as half full or half empty?"
She: "Christ, Frank! Will you please quit putting on my bra!"
Will Smith is taking heat for slapping a comedian who annoyed him. Hardly the worst thing anyone's ever done... it's not like he blew up a whole country.
* * *
Rock may beat scissors, but paper always beats rock. Especially when that paper is a will.
* * *
"Did you hear? There was a kidnapping down at the school!"
"That's just terrible! How could the teacher let it happen? That kid won't learn anything if he's sound asleep!"
* * *
Chris Rock is one of America's great funnymen! The guy really knows how to set up a punchline!
* * *
He: "7:00... time for some nightclub fun! Put on your coat!"
She: "Seriously? Does this mean you're finally gonna stop acting like a tightwad and take me out for the evening?"
He: "No. It means I'm turning the heat off while I'm gone."
* * *
Q: How safe are you in a room that holds 1,000 people?
A: 999 of them won't attack you... one Will.
* * *
Rumor is that Jeffrey Epstein enjoyed Star Trek a whole lot. That's partly true... he was really into the next generation.
* * *
The swordfish used to have no natural predators... that's until he ran into the penfish.
* * *
When I was a lad, I was always told that you are what you eat. Today, I've learned that it's true! I bought myself ready-to-eat chicken breast this afternoon... this evening, I'm ready to eat chicken breast!
* * *
In cannibal societies, a pregnant German woman is considered a special dessert. She's referred to as a Kinder Surprise.
* * *
It isn't unusual for sailors to become cranky during long sea voyages. They get tied up in knots.
* * *
Hogs are extra motivated during tug-of-war contests. None of them want to end up as pulled pork.
* * *
I added more cylinders to my car so it would run better, but all it does now is crank out angry growling noises. Makes me wonder what was installed... pistons or pist-offs.
* * *
"Can you think of anything more aggravating than having ants in your pants?"
"I dunno... uncles, maybe?"
* * *
I heard that the Russians are in need better material and I can believe it. Word is they're bombing in the Ukraine.
* * *
Have you ever noticed that foggy conditions can bring on joint pain? We should all pay attention to such bodily ills... it's possible to learn a great deal from our mist aches.
* * *
My wife accused me of taking thousands out of our bank account so I could hire an artist to make a relief map of Mount Everest. She claims I paid for it in preparation for attempting the climb. I don't know how to convince her she's wrong... I already told her it wasn't drawn to scale.
* * *
I've been told that enemy spies are usually debriefed once they're caught. Why is that? Are they be less likely to try to escape if they're missing their underwear?
* * *
After years devoted to humor, I've decided to try my hand at stand-up. That's because most of my jokes don't sit well.
* * *
Even though he finally lost the war, Adolf Hitler was a fearsome force in Europe, building an army that few stood any chance against! What a macho thing to do, especially for a man who was missing one of his testicles! You gotta wonder how he was able to pull it off!
* * *
He: "So... do you consider the cup as half full or half empty?"
She: "Christ, Frank! Will you please quit putting on my bra!"
* * *
Will Smith is taking heat for slapping a comedian who annoyed him. Hardly the worst thing anyone's ever done... it's not like he blew up a whole country.
