Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
According to the Mayan Calendar, the world was supposed to end in 2012. It's now been determined that was a typo... it was supposed to read 2021.
Being cooped up with my folks so long has really rubbed my dad the wrong way; this morning, he threatened to slap me into next year. Promises, promises...
Alcohol sales have gone up markedly since the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic. It certainly is comforting to know that people are disinfecting so much!
My sister's attending an abstinence group for blatherskites. It's called On And On Anon.
Marie Curie was a genius, but Einstein was determined to prove that he was twice as smart... E=mc2.
My wife is trying a rice-mask beauty treatment. I can see why rice would be the perfect ingredient for facial application; it's so easy to pilaf.
A nun enters the chapel to find the pastor vigorously masterbating.
"Oh my God!" she gasps in horror. "Sunday school is about to start! Think of the children!"
The priest snarls at her furiously, "Whadda you think I'm doing!"
Historians say Mozart was a classical composer, but I suspect he was really a gangsta rapper. Why else would he associate with a Wolf Gang?
Magician David Copperfield lost his magic and a lot has changed for him; everyone's now calling him Ian David Copperfield.
A domestic servant isn't born, she's maid.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Only for essential items! Not for any trivial or social purpose, I swear!
The seven dwarfs promoted Snow White for Supreme Court Justice of Fairyland. She was, after all, the fairest one of all.
Doctor: "I'm sorry to have to tell you that your wife's test results got mixed up with someone else's. We don't know if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease."
Husband: "So what do I do now?"
Doctor: "Take her for a long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back, don't let her in."
One of my cardiac patients inquired desperately about the possibility of a transplant. I wanted to say something encouraging, but I just didn't have the heart.
A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar. Man, those were the days...
Al qaeda has started a sideline: they're manufacturing inflatable sex dolls. Pumps aren't necessary with this model... they blow themselves up.
Q: Who is Professor +?
A: Professor X doing a wheelie.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to open a beer?
A: None. The cap better damn well be off when she brings it!
2020 is supposed to be "perfect" vision. Well, I don't think anyone saw this coming!
You just can't rely on flat earthers. They're never 'round.
No matter how dark things look now, the future is bright! Like supernova bright!
I used to steal these jokes. I still do, mind you ... just want to let you know I've always done it.
* * *
Being cooped up with my folks so long has really rubbed my dad the wrong way; this morning, he threatened to slap me into next year. Promises, promises...
* * *
Alcohol sales have gone up markedly since the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic. It certainly is comforting to know that people are disinfecting so much!
* * *
My sister's attending an abstinence group for blatherskites. It's called On And On Anon.
* * *
Marie Curie was a genius, but Einstein was determined to prove that he was twice as smart... E=mc2.
* * *
My wife is trying a rice-mask beauty treatment. I can see why rice would be the perfect ingredient for facial application; it's so easy to pilaf.
* * *
A nun enters the chapel to find the pastor vigorously masterbating.
"Oh my God!" she gasps in horror. "Sunday school is about to start! Think of the children!"
The priest snarls at her furiously, "Whadda you think I'm doing!"
* * *
Historians say Mozart was a classical composer, but I suspect he was really a gangsta rapper. Why else would he associate with a Wolf Gang?
* * *
Magician David Copperfield lost his magic and a lot has changed for him; everyone's now calling him Ian David Copperfield.
* * *
A domestic servant isn't born, she's maid.
* * *
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Only for essential items! Not for any trivial or social purpose, I swear!
* * *
The seven dwarfs promoted Snow White for Supreme Court Justice of Fairyland. She was, after all, the fairest one of all.
* * *
Doctor: "I'm sorry to have to tell you that your wife's test results got mixed up with someone else's. We don't know if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease."
Husband: "So what do I do now?"
Doctor: "Take her for a long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back, don't let her in."
* * *
One of my cardiac patients inquired desperately about the possibility of a transplant. I wanted to say something encouraging, but I just didn't have the heart.
* * *
A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar. Man, those were the days...
* * *
Al qaeda has started a sideline: they're manufacturing inflatable sex dolls. Pumps aren't necessary with this model... they blow themselves up.
* * *
Q: Who is Professor +?
A: Professor X doing a wheelie.
* * *
Q: How many rednecks does it take to open a beer?
A: None. The cap better damn well be off when she brings it!
* * *
2020 is supposed to be "perfect" vision. Well, I don't think anyone saw this coming!
* * *
You just can't rely on flat earthers. They're never 'round.
* * *
No matter how dark things look now, the future is bright! Like supernova bright!
* * *
I used to steal these jokes. I still do, mind you ... just want to let you know I've always done it.
