Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My brother always said, “You’ve got as much chance of finding an honest politician as you have seeing a pig fly.” I’m not sure that’s such a clever metaphor... most politicians in this country are exactly like flying pigs. There’s only one small difference: the letter “F”.
Olympic spectator: “Pardon me, but are you a pole-vaulter?”
Athlete: “Nein, I am a German. But how did you known mein name is Walter?”
This is the last time I try to comfort someone! My neighbor told me her child might have an extra set of chromosomes. I replied, “Don’t let it get him down.”
Hear about the mad doctor who committed unauthorized trans-species surgery? He was strangled to death; one of the patients did it with his bear hands.
My cousin is homosexual. My friend is bisexual. Me, I’m trisexual. I’ve heard about sex... would like to try it sometime.
“O” is the noisiest vowel in the alphabet. That must be true... the rest of them are in “audible”.
In the ‘60s I dated a flowerchild. She was alright in most ways, but I really wish she’d gone on a diet; she was just a little hippy.
Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy! Check the latest news reports for going rates.
The thought of returning home to my wife at the end of the day makes my job so much more tolerable. Think I’ll work late again tonight...
My shrewish wife snarls that I’m no good at commitment. She may be right: I’ve unsuccessful tried to commit suicide three times.
“Outside of a dog, a good book is man’s best friend.” Of course that’s true... inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.
I don’t know what kind of blood I have and I guess I’ll never find out. When I asked my doctor about it, all he did was look at my chart and say, “Typo.”
Teacher: “Little Jimmy, please give us a sentence starting with ‘I’.”
Jimmy: “Yes, teacher: ‘I is-‘ “
Teacher: “Wrong wrong wrong! You haven’t been paying attention! Never start a sentence ‘I is’. You always say ‘I am’. Now begin again.”
Jimmy: “If you say so, teacher: ‘I am the ninth letter in the alphabet.’ “
Thank God I’m not bisexual! I don’t think I could stand being rejected by twice as many people.
The Seven Dwarves weren’t as pleasant as the Disney film would have us believe. In reality, they were a crew of gangstas who plied Snow White with marijuana to loosen up her inhibitions so they could have sex with her. Why else do you think they were constantly singing “High Ho”?
My next-door neighbor kept bragging about his terrific horoscope. Well, I’m not really an astrology fan but accepted all his talk genially... until I noticed that he had a telescope trained on my daughter’s bedroom window.
Psychic Yuri Geller thought he had the world by the tail until he ran into skeptic James Randi. After that, he lost his illusions.
I got bored and attended a boxing match, just for kicks. Seems I had it confused with mixed martial arts.
There’s a famous tower in Pisa Italy that may be for sale. I just heard that it’s listed.
Son: “Dad! Dad! I just got cast in the school play! It’s a story all about a big family!”
Dad: “That so? Who will you be playing?”
Son: “The husband!”
Dad: “Shoot. I was hoping you’d get a speaking part.”
“Have you ever read ‘That Dark and Bloody River’?”
“Nope. I don’t enjoy period novels.”
A distraught young woman goes to a edge of a cliff and prepares to jump. While she builds up her nerve, a vagrant wonders by and sneers, “If you plan on being dead in a couple of minutes, it won’t matter much if you have sex with me first. How about it?”
The lady draws back, horrified.
“Get away from me, you smelly, ugly degenerate!”
“Suit yourself,” shrugs the bum. “I’ll just wait at the bottom.”[/FONT]
* * *
Olympic spectator: “Pardon me, but are you a pole-vaulter?”
Athlete: “Nein, I am a German. But how did you known mein name is Walter?”
* * *
This is the last time I try to comfort someone! My neighbor told me her child might have an extra set of chromosomes. I replied, “Don’t let it get him down.”
* * *
Hear about the mad doctor who committed unauthorized trans-species surgery? He was strangled to death; one of the patients did it with his bear hands.
* * *
My cousin is homosexual. My friend is bisexual. Me, I’m trisexual. I’ve heard about sex... would like to try it sometime.
* * *
“O” is the noisiest vowel in the alphabet. That must be true... the rest of them are in “audible”.
* * *
In the ‘60s I dated a flowerchild. She was alright in most ways, but I really wish she’d gone on a diet; she was just a little hippy.
* * *
Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy! Check the latest news reports for going rates.
* * *
The thought of returning home to my wife at the end of the day makes my job so much more tolerable. Think I’ll work late again tonight...
* * *
My shrewish wife snarls that I’m no good at commitment. She may be right: I’ve unsuccessful tried to commit suicide three times.
* * *
“Outside of a dog, a good book is man’s best friend.” Of course that’s true... inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.
* * *
I don’t know what kind of blood I have and I guess I’ll never find out. When I asked my doctor about it, all he did was look at my chart and say, “Typo.”
* * *
Teacher: “Little Jimmy, please give us a sentence starting with ‘I’.”
Jimmy: “Yes, teacher: ‘I is-‘ “
Teacher: “Wrong wrong wrong! You haven’t been paying attention! Never start a sentence ‘I is’. You always say ‘I am’. Now begin again.”
Jimmy: “If you say so, teacher: ‘I am the ninth letter in the alphabet.’ “
* * *
Thank God I’m not bisexual! I don’t think I could stand being rejected by twice as many people.
* * *
The Seven Dwarves weren’t as pleasant as the Disney film would have us believe. In reality, they were a crew of gangstas who plied Snow White with marijuana to loosen up her inhibitions so they could have sex with her. Why else do you think they were constantly singing “High Ho”?
* * *
My next-door neighbor kept bragging about his terrific horoscope. Well, I’m not really an astrology fan but accepted all his talk genially... until I noticed that he had a telescope trained on my daughter’s bedroom window.
* * *
Psychic Yuri Geller thought he had the world by the tail until he ran into skeptic James Randi. After that, he lost his illusions.
* * *
I got bored and attended a boxing match, just for kicks. Seems I had it confused with mixed martial arts.
* * *
There’s a famous tower in Pisa Italy that may be for sale. I just heard that it’s listed.
* * *
Son: “Dad! Dad! I just got cast in the school play! It’s a story all about a big family!”
Dad: “That so? Who will you be playing?”
Son: “The husband!”
Dad: “Shoot. I was hoping you’d get a speaking part.”
* * *
“Have you ever read ‘That Dark and Bloody River’?”
“Nope. I don’t enjoy period novels.”
* * *
A distraught young woman goes to a edge of a cliff and prepares to jump. While she builds up her nerve, a vagrant wonders by and sneers, “If you plan on being dead in a couple of minutes, it won’t matter much if you have sex with me first. How about it?”
The lady draws back, horrified.
“Get away from me, you smelly, ugly degenerate!”
“Suit yourself,” shrugs the bum. “I’ll just wait at the bottom.”[/FONT]
