Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I was well on my way to scaling Mt. Everest, when I unexpectedly stubbed my toe. It was so painful, the rest of the team decided they should bring me down. They did, too... they told me I was the most useless climber they'd ever worked with.
With electric cars and reusable rocket boosters to his credit, Elon Musk has always been ahead of the curve. His latest project is a revolutionary new air freshener that operates through mind control. Critics deride, of course, but they shouldn't; when you think about it, it makes scents.
To avoid fatalities, my grandad used to chase thieves off his property using shotgun shells loaded with rock salt. That worked fine in its time, but wouldn't nowadays... a salt rifle ownership is banned in his state.
The grammar rules we all learned in school aren't carved in stone; trends of common usage and popular culture frequently alter the way language is employed. Take the Latin alphabet, for example, the one we use in the US... everyone's told that it contains 26 letters. That, however, is no longer the case: E, T went home and somebody shot J, R.
I bought myself a new talking bathroom scale, but it's made in China and I think it must be communist... it constantly speaks for the masses.
She: "You men are lucky. You never have to wipe after you pee."
He: "Nah, I never bother. That's woman's work."
I made my famous fish tacos last night. The little bastards have gotten swelled heads... they turned up their noses and wanted cavier instead.
Mother: "I don't want you seeing that man anymore! He's a degenerate! Why, he's old enough to be your father!"
Daughter: "Mom, he's only 32! When I was born he would have been 12 years old!"
Mother: "For me, that was old enough!"
Two of our local lunch wagons are having a turf war... this afternoon, a guy dressed up in a taco costume was mixing it up with another dude wearing a burger suit. It wasn't long before we learned that drugs were involved... damn, it bugs me no end to see food wasted!
"Great news! My wife is with child!"
"Hey, that is great news! Do you know the sex yet?"
"Of course I do! How do you suppose she got pregnant?"
I hear that June will be Pride Month. Pretty dumb place for it... August would be so much better. Everyone knows that Pride goeth just before a fall.
Junior lifeguard: "Boss, we got big trouble! Reports say a whole colony of hippies is headed this way to have sex in the surf! Some of them are here already!"
Senior lifeguard: "You're absolutely sure about this activity?"
Junior lifeguard: "Yeah! They're coming in waves!"
I've been training for the marathon by circling my house with sprints 30 times a day. Can't wait for the big race! I'll run rings around my opponents!
Nine sodium atoms enter a crime scene. Batman soon follows.
I watched while my dog chased his own damn tail for a full thirty minutes! Man, I thought to myself, dogs sure are dumb! Then it occurred to me that I'd just watched my dog chase his tail for half an hour.
Gravity is the cheapest force in our cosmos. That's because it's mass produced.
My wife always appreciates it when I tell strangers that I'm a deeply spiritual person. Sounds so much better than saying I'm an alcoholic.
Hear about the gay impala who committed suicide? Not on purpose, mind you... he went to a pride event.
My pet Schnauzer tends to mumble when he snoozes, and from him my wife has gotten the crazy idea that I've been cheating on her! This just goes to disprove the old adage: you definitely should not let sleeping dogs lie!
Q: In visions of the afterlife, psychics have seen souls of the dead in Hell, all of them missing their feet. Why would this be the case?
A: Because all dogs go to Heaven.
My brother is a musician who improvises electronic tunes at dance clubs. He's quite a talented performer, but people just seem to ignore his music. The stage name he picked out might have something to do with that: Techno Notice.
Ever seen the Russian alphabet? I find the whole thing indecipherable! They seem to have a weird way of spelling everything! Take the word "Ukraine", for instance. The way the Russians spell it looks nothing like the way we do in the west. Have a look for yourself: "A-f-g-h-a-n-i-s-t-a-n".
* * *
With electric cars and reusable rocket boosters to his credit, Elon Musk has always been ahead of the curve. His latest project is a revolutionary new air freshener that operates through mind control. Critics deride, of course, but they shouldn't; when you think about it, it makes scents.
* * *
To avoid fatalities, my grandad used to chase thieves off his property using shotgun shells loaded with rock salt. That worked fine in its time, but wouldn't nowadays... a salt rifle ownership is banned in his state.
* * *
The grammar rules we all learned in school aren't carved in stone; trends of common usage and popular culture frequently alter the way language is employed. Take the Latin alphabet, for example, the one we use in the US... everyone's told that it contains 26 letters. That, however, is no longer the case: E, T went home and somebody shot J, R.
* * *
I bought myself a new talking bathroom scale, but it's made in China and I think it must be communist... it constantly speaks for the masses.
* * *
She: "You men are lucky. You never have to wipe after you pee."
He: "Nah, I never bother. That's woman's work."
* * *
I made my famous fish tacos last night. The little bastards have gotten swelled heads... they turned up their noses and wanted cavier instead.
* * *
Mother: "I don't want you seeing that man anymore! He's a degenerate! Why, he's old enough to be your father!"
Daughter: "Mom, he's only 32! When I was born he would have been 12 years old!"
Mother: "For me, that was old enough!"
* * *
Two of our local lunch wagons are having a turf war... this afternoon, a guy dressed up in a taco costume was mixing it up with another dude wearing a burger suit. It wasn't long before we learned that drugs were involved... damn, it bugs me no end to see food wasted!
* * *
"Great news! My wife is with child!"
"Hey, that is great news! Do you know the sex yet?"
"Of course I do! How do you suppose she got pregnant?"
* * *
I hear that June will be Pride Month. Pretty dumb place for it... August would be so much better. Everyone knows that Pride goeth just before a fall.
* * *
Junior lifeguard: "Boss, we got big trouble! Reports say a whole colony of hippies is headed this way to have sex in the surf! Some of them are here already!"
Senior lifeguard: "You're absolutely sure about this activity?"
Junior lifeguard: "Yeah! They're coming in waves!"
* * *
I've been training for the marathon by circling my house with sprints 30 times a day. Can't wait for the big race! I'll run rings around my opponents!
* * *
Nine sodium atoms enter a crime scene. Batman soon follows.
* * *
I watched while my dog chased his own damn tail for a full thirty minutes! Man, I thought to myself, dogs sure are dumb! Then it occurred to me that I'd just watched my dog chase his tail for half an hour.
* * *
Gravity is the cheapest force in our cosmos. That's because it's mass produced.
* * *
My wife always appreciates it when I tell strangers that I'm a deeply spiritual person. Sounds so much better than saying I'm an alcoholic.
* * *
Hear about the gay impala who committed suicide? Not on purpose, mind you... he went to a pride event.
* * *
My pet Schnauzer tends to mumble when he snoozes, and from him my wife has gotten the crazy idea that I've been cheating on her! This just goes to disprove the old adage: you definitely should not let sleeping dogs lie!
* * *
Q: In visions of the afterlife, psychics have seen souls of the dead in Hell, all of them missing their feet. Why would this be the case?
A: Because all dogs go to Heaven.
* * *
My brother is a musician who improvises electronic tunes at dance clubs. He's quite a talented performer, but people just seem to ignore his music. The stage name he picked out might have something to do with that: Techno Notice.
* * *
Ever seen the Russian alphabet? I find the whole thing indecipherable! They seem to have a weird way of spelling everything! Take the word "Ukraine", for instance. The way the Russians spell it looks nothing like the way we do in the west. Have a look for yourself: "A-f-g-h-a-n-i-s-t-a-n".
